Things have been really complicated lately. And, by lately I mean the last 3 or 5 years.
I have also been going to an acupuncture/oriental medicine clinic for the last year or year and a half. I go once a month. I started out going because I had an injury to my neck, left shoulder, and left wrist. Not from one injury but several, and I was in chronic pain because of it and had very limited range of motion and that was making me nuts. Over time, we have pulled back the layers to correcting several other issues that have cropped up. My kidneys are kind of weak (not something new to me, I have known that my whole life but conventional medical doctors have only addressed the issue when I had an infection) We have worked also on my left knee in particular, but both knees in general. We have identified that my back hurts as a result of the neck injury and continue to treat that, plus have been working on some weight loss.
This last Friday, however, was strangely different.
I have known that the stress was building up to astronomical levels as I had what is pretty rare for me earlier in the week, a full fledged melt down. This caused what it normally does, people to walk on egg shells around me. I did what I normally did and just pulled it back under control and went back to trying to figure out how to make it all work.
Then I went in for my appointment. Normal stuff, I was battling a kidney infection that I had on the run from my own holistic treatment but it was not gone yet so we discussed that and started treatment. Needles placed and I was left to rest. That is when I realized that my eyes were "leaking" and I really couldn't quit. Breathing deeply, with the intent of stopping crying, I just kept right on.
That was a reaction that I had never had before.
I just keep asking myself if I feel better now, not sure, but maybe. Wonder what will happen next month
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Trying to Find a Rhythm
I am trying to take the lessons I have learned in my Breathe Bible Study to heart None of the principals are things that are new to me. Well, there are a few things that were new for sure.
Did you ever notice in the Creation Story that each thing in creation is divided in to two parts? Days 1-3 was the creation of habitats. Days 4-6A was creation of the things to fill those habitats. Day 6 B was set apart for creation of Man and Woman where we were giving dominion over all of it and were told to answer to God. Knowing how much that would entail, God THEN gave us specific instructions on Sabbath margin. I will try to go to more detail on this section at a later date, just know that I found this really interesting. I have studied the Creation Story my whole life, after all that is one of the favorite lessons in children's Sunday school lessons all the way up to adult lessons, but I never saw this before.
One of the things I am trying to do in my own personal life to observe the principals I have learned, or relearned is that I am basically lazy. My house and office have overwhelmed me for years now and I am frankly very tired of cleaning up after other people who don't feel the need to, so I just quit.
Because of the amount of stuff that is "ruling over me" instead of the other way around, I have found it hard to find the joy I should have in my life. After all, I am a Daughter of the Most High and I was giving dominion over all the stuff around me. If I cant get the work done I need to get done at my office because it takes longer to organize a space to do that work in than I have in the day, then something needs to change. If I cant come into my own home and sit down on the couch to watch a movie at the end of the day because I have to "spring clean" the couch to even get TO it? There is way too much stuff in this house. Part of having dominion over your environment is to clean out those things that don't belong there. It isn't going to happen over night and I am going to have to fight hard to guard the spaces that peace returns to.
It is time to make my two environments fit the use they are serving at this time, not something that was 5 or 10 or 30 years ago, but NOW.
Did you ever notice in the Creation Story that each thing in creation is divided in to two parts? Days 1-3 was the creation of habitats. Days 4-6A was creation of the things to fill those habitats. Day 6 B was set apart for creation of Man and Woman where we were giving dominion over all of it and were told to answer to God. Knowing how much that would entail, God THEN gave us specific instructions on Sabbath margin. I will try to go to more detail on this section at a later date, just know that I found this really interesting. I have studied the Creation Story my whole life, after all that is one of the favorite lessons in children's Sunday school lessons all the way up to adult lessons, but I never saw this before.
One of the things I am trying to do in my own personal life to observe the principals I have learned, or relearned is that I am basically lazy. My house and office have overwhelmed me for years now and I am frankly very tired of cleaning up after other people who don't feel the need to, so I just quit.
Because of the amount of stuff that is "ruling over me" instead of the other way around, I have found it hard to find the joy I should have in my life. After all, I am a Daughter of the Most High and I was giving dominion over all the stuff around me. If I cant get the work done I need to get done at my office because it takes longer to organize a space to do that work in than I have in the day, then something needs to change. If I cant come into my own home and sit down on the couch to watch a movie at the end of the day because I have to "spring clean" the couch to even get TO it? There is way too much stuff in this house. Part of having dominion over your environment is to clean out those things that don't belong there. It isn't going to happen over night and I am going to have to fight hard to guard the spaces that peace returns to.
It is time to make my two environments fit the use they are serving at this time, not something that was 5 or 10 or 30 years ago, but NOW.
Monday, July 13, 2015
Hours of Service Meets My World
Something occurred to me yesterday that I have been considering.
My Truck Drivers have to follow federally mandated Hours of Service. The total number is 14 hours. What they can do with in that 14 hours has some other rules. 11 hours of driving, mandated breaks with in specific numbers of hours, certain things that can be done in the other hours that add up to the 14.
When that time is up, they are mandated to have a 10 hour break time. That 10 hours also has some pretty detailed rules as to what they can and cannot do on that time, as well. 8 of the hours must be "sleeper berth time".
When a driver has put in a total of 70 work hours in a week (80 in some cases) they must take a 34 hour break.
http://www.lifeasatrucker.com/
This little bit of background to explain my thoughts. I have had my alarm set for 6 am 7 days a week for longer than I can say. Granted I usually am sitting on my bed trying to get the energy together to actually reach up and turn out the light between 11 and 12 pm. I generally try to get up and get a little computer work done, run a load of laundry through, fold what ever is in the dryer ad get it put away. Wash the dishes, maybe a few other things. All while I drink my morning pot of coffee. I leave for "work" around 8, eat lunch at my desk unless someone drags me out of there for a while. I leave for my mom's house between 5 and 6pm to go cook dinner (my daughter has been handling that job for me while she has been here which has meant I could stay at work until 6) Eat dinner, clean the kitchen, and go home. I have been getting to my house sometime around 8. I then come in, start planning tomorrows meals, throw another load of laundry in, clean something, fall on my bed, do some computer work between 9-10 and then turn out the lights when I get the energy to do so. So, so even if I do get that light turned out at 10, that is 16 hours the way I count it.
So, the plan I am trying to devise is how to be more effective in 14 hours to get more rest so that I feel more like getting tings done.... etc etc and round and round.
This is going to be a work in progress starting with "the 14 project" that I will be talking about on another blog of mine.
And now, off to dress and head for work. Any ideas will be welcomed and taken in to consideration by the way.
Have a great day.
My Truck Drivers have to follow federally mandated Hours of Service. The total number is 14 hours. What they can do with in that 14 hours has some other rules. 11 hours of driving, mandated breaks with in specific numbers of hours, certain things that can be done in the other hours that add up to the 14.
When that time is up, they are mandated to have a 10 hour break time. That 10 hours also has some pretty detailed rules as to what they can and cannot do on that time, as well. 8 of the hours must be "sleeper berth time".
When a driver has put in a total of 70 work hours in a week (80 in some cases) they must take a 34 hour break.
http://www.lifeasatrucker.com/
This little bit of background to explain my thoughts. I have had my alarm set for 6 am 7 days a week for longer than I can say. Granted I usually am sitting on my bed trying to get the energy together to actually reach up and turn out the light between 11 and 12 pm. I generally try to get up and get a little computer work done, run a load of laundry through, fold what ever is in the dryer ad get it put away. Wash the dishes, maybe a few other things. All while I drink my morning pot of coffee. I leave for "work" around 8, eat lunch at my desk unless someone drags me out of there for a while. I leave for my mom's house between 5 and 6pm to go cook dinner (my daughter has been handling that job for me while she has been here which has meant I could stay at work until 6) Eat dinner, clean the kitchen, and go home. I have been getting to my house sometime around 8. I then come in, start planning tomorrows meals, throw another load of laundry in, clean something, fall on my bed, do some computer work between 9-10 and then turn out the lights when I get the energy to do so. So, so even if I do get that light turned out at 10, that is 16 hours the way I count it.
So, the plan I am trying to devise is how to be more effective in 14 hours to get more rest so that I feel more like getting tings done.... etc etc and round and round.
This is going to be a work in progress starting with "the 14 project" that I will be talking about on another blog of mine.
And now, off to dress and head for work. Any ideas will be welcomed and taken in to consideration by the way.
Have a great day.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Like a Girl. What does that mean?
This really great article came across my view this morning and I really want to share:
http://www.bpnews.net/44326/firstperson-run-like-a-girl
If you have not seen the commercial, watch this all the way through to see the variations.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3GpXgFwWmk
Now to discuss:
I believe that more times than we want to admit, WOMEN are our own worst enemy, NOT men, not society, not race relations, not "the glass ceiling" not anything else. But Other Women.
I can honestly say that over my life time I have LOST more friends than I have kept largely because other women have had different definitions of "like a girl" than I have had. This happened to me again just over a year ago. And I still don't understand but I know that it really wasn't about me, it was about preconceived ideas of who I SHOULD be.
I am a girl who.....is most comfortable driving a pickup truck. Riding a horse. Schlepping bales of hay.
I am a girl who.....is strong-willed, can be passive/passive aggressive, concerned about the happiness and welfare of those around me, most especially my family members and will do anything I can do to help them achieve their goals in life sometimes to my own detriment.
I am a girl who...... was raised by other very strong women who wanted better for me than they perceived that they had. It has only been in the last few years that I have begun to understand the things that they had that they didn't see. Things that we need to bring back for women, that I am on a crusade to explore and make sure my daughters know about.
I am a girl who...... doesn't particularly like most girlie things, you will nearly always find me in jeans and tee-shirts and boots, rarely in anything resembling a dress and almost NEVER in heals. Im trying to learn to accessorize but I don't do it well. I hate manicures and pedicures
I am a girl who....... picks her battles pretty well, If it isn't worth my fight, I will ignore the issue but if it is worth my fight, Im like a dog on a bone and you will not know what hit you.
I am a girl who....... has been married twice. Gasp, that means I have also been divorced. Believe me when I say that it was not my first choice, but God as always according to HIS nature took something bad and turned it into something beautiful, wonderful, and honoring to Him. I have 4 children that I gave birth to and a nephew and 2 nieces that I was also instrumental in raising. I did not breast feed and I have thoughts on the issue that make me not popular to either side of the issue. I have been a working mother most of my parenting career, my children have been in daycare, with a grand parent, with me as their only care giver, in public school, in private school, homeschooled. I have done my best to train my children up in the Lord and according to THEIR bent, not my own.
I am a girl who currently spends 50 or more hours a week building a trucking business with my husband, spent most of the rest of my life working in the family businesses, while keeping my own home.
I am a girl who is old enough to be a product of the ERA GENERATION and I have had to unlearn and relearn many things in my life. I understand women's drive to be important and in charge and fell into beliefs that were not biblical for a number of years.
But I am a girl whos main goal in life is to some day hear: You are my daughter and my good and faithful servant. I strive to love Jesus with my entire mind, body, spirit and strength. Every day I try to live out my life as the Girl God Meant Me to Be, not the girl someone else thinks I should be.
I love the ending of the article where she compares herself to the Proverbs 31 woman. I believe that again, many times too many we are "browbeat" with the perfection of that woman, who ever she was.
I AM that woman to one degree or another but my goal is to go back and study that passage again in a new light. I want to study to be able to be the best "older woman" I can be to be of service to the younger women in my life!!!!!
http://www.bpnews.net/44326/firstperson-run-like-a-girl
If you have not seen the commercial, watch this all the way through to see the variations.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3GpXgFwWmk
Now to discuss:
I believe that more times than we want to admit, WOMEN are our own worst enemy, NOT men, not society, not race relations, not "the glass ceiling" not anything else. But Other Women.
I can honestly say that over my life time I have LOST more friends than I have kept largely because other women have had different definitions of "like a girl" than I have had. This happened to me again just over a year ago. And I still don't understand but I know that it really wasn't about me, it was about preconceived ideas of who I SHOULD be.
I am a girl who.....is most comfortable driving a pickup truck. Riding a horse. Schlepping bales of hay.
I am a girl who.....is strong-willed, can be passive/passive aggressive, concerned about the happiness and welfare of those around me, most especially my family members and will do anything I can do to help them achieve their goals in life sometimes to my own detriment.
I am a girl who...... was raised by other very strong women who wanted better for me than they perceived that they had. It has only been in the last few years that I have begun to understand the things that they had that they didn't see. Things that we need to bring back for women, that I am on a crusade to explore and make sure my daughters know about.
I am a girl who...... doesn't particularly like most girlie things, you will nearly always find me in jeans and tee-shirts and boots, rarely in anything resembling a dress and almost NEVER in heals. Im trying to learn to accessorize but I don't do it well. I hate manicures and pedicures
I am a girl who....... picks her battles pretty well, If it isn't worth my fight, I will ignore the issue but if it is worth my fight, Im like a dog on a bone and you will not know what hit you.
I am a girl who....... has been married twice. Gasp, that means I have also been divorced. Believe me when I say that it was not my first choice, but God as always according to HIS nature took something bad and turned it into something beautiful, wonderful, and honoring to Him. I have 4 children that I gave birth to and a nephew and 2 nieces that I was also instrumental in raising. I did not breast feed and I have thoughts on the issue that make me not popular to either side of the issue. I have been a working mother most of my parenting career, my children have been in daycare, with a grand parent, with me as their only care giver, in public school, in private school, homeschooled. I have done my best to train my children up in the Lord and according to THEIR bent, not my own.
I am a girl who currently spends 50 or more hours a week building a trucking business with my husband, spent most of the rest of my life working in the family businesses, while keeping my own home.
I am a girl who is old enough to be a product of the ERA GENERATION and I have had to unlearn and relearn many things in my life. I understand women's drive to be important and in charge and fell into beliefs that were not biblical for a number of years.
But I am a girl whos main goal in life is to some day hear: You are my daughter and my good and faithful servant. I strive to love Jesus with my entire mind, body, spirit and strength. Every day I try to live out my life as the Girl God Meant Me to Be, not the girl someone else thinks I should be.
I love the ending of the article where she compares herself to the Proverbs 31 woman. I believe that again, many times too many we are "browbeat" with the perfection of that woman, who ever she was.
I AM that woman to one degree or another but my goal is to go back and study that passage again in a new light. I want to study to be able to be the best "older woman" I can be to be of service to the younger women in my life!!!!!
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Happy Guilt Free Nap Day!!!!
The thought crossed my mind a few hours ago that this is the first holiday of any kind in my life that I have spent alone. I mean its only a holiday that was made up by the card and candy industry, oh and maybe the diamond industry, but that is another blog post, the point is, that it is Valentine's Day, technically a holiday, which this year happens to have fallen on a Saturday. It isn't a major holiday, but one recognized by the average American none the less. And one normally spent in groups.
As a child, holidays were always accompanied by parents, grand parents, sometimes aunts and uncles and cousin not to mention brothers and other friends and relatives. School also always celebrated holidays back in the dark ages before constant testing. I have memories of childhood of valentines parties that we had in various homes with red heart jello and hand decorated hand baked cookies.
Even in college, friends and aquaintances were always there during holiday festivities. There were Valentines Days that I wasn't involved in a relationship during much of my high school and college days but even then may of us "unattached girls" hung out together, bought each other cheezy presents.
Before long, I had children of my own, and no matter what else was going on I was responsible for making sure their holidays were as spectacular as possible. We had special dinners, getting their valentines ready for school friends, party favors. Evenings were filled with special dinners of favorite foods and Special deserts that I made to surprise them.
There have been any number of holidays that for many different reasons, work related, Jonathan has been gone on holidays. Sometimes he was simply at work and was home at some point in the day. Other times he was far away, Washington DC, Arizona, California. One year he was in Arizona for 3 months. Those months included Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and he came home the day after Valentines. He spent Thanksgiving, And Christmas planning meals for his guys to make their days special. New Years day that year he spent in the hospital. Valentines he, I assume, spent working and packing to come home. I have always felt really sad for him when he was away from us, even if what he was doing was so very important, but I was always really busy with keeping things going for everyone else. Its a lot of work. When I stopped and thought about it I couldn't imagine what it was like to not be here with the rest of us for what ever holiday. He must have been unhappy.
As the circle of life has continued to spiral over the last few years, our holidays have gotten smaller and smaller. Kids grow up and move on to their own lives and that is as it should be. Other things happen that I have previously written about on other blog posts.
So, I am thinking that having it be Valentine's Day, a day that isn't one of my favorite holidays anyway, to be the first holiday I have ever spent completely alone is a good choice.
I started out my day as any other Saturday, I convinced myself to get out of bed and get ready for work even though my bed was so warm and comfy. Work had some ups and downs and strange plot twists which caused me to not finish what I had wanted to get done by the time to leave at 12:00. So at about 1:30, I realized that I was NOT going to get finished in any timely manner and maybe it was time to go home. Maybe it was really true that after some sleep, my brain would function better, and maybe so would my computer. So, I left to go home.
A couple of my friends keep talking to me about taking care of myself but honestly, I don't know what that even means as there is always more important things that must be done then maybe I can get around to what ever Me is. So when I walked in to my house, and there was absolutely no one there, and no one was GOING to be home before Tuesday. I was at a complete loss of what to do other than the obvious, clean the living room and dining room that I was DETERMINED to get to this week but still haven't. Do more laundry, Clean out the refrigerator, Clean up my bedroom. Not to mention, I am waiting any day to come home to a pink note on the front door saying clean up your yard or go to court, again.
Instead, I walked through the house, to my bed and crawled in it. Maybe this is what my friends have meant.
So, the upshot of the whole thing here? It really doesn't matter what else is going on, on facebook or mushy movies on tv, or even what everyone else you know IS doing, a holiday alone is really pretty great. Especially if you give it a new name. And to that, I am going back to sleep.
As a child, holidays were always accompanied by parents, grand parents, sometimes aunts and uncles and cousin not to mention brothers and other friends and relatives. School also always celebrated holidays back in the dark ages before constant testing. I have memories of childhood of valentines parties that we had in various homes with red heart jello and hand decorated hand baked cookies.
Even in college, friends and aquaintances were always there during holiday festivities. There were Valentines Days that I wasn't involved in a relationship during much of my high school and college days but even then may of us "unattached girls" hung out together, bought each other cheezy presents.
Before long, I had children of my own, and no matter what else was going on I was responsible for making sure their holidays were as spectacular as possible. We had special dinners, getting their valentines ready for school friends, party favors. Evenings were filled with special dinners of favorite foods and Special deserts that I made to surprise them.
There have been any number of holidays that for many different reasons, work related, Jonathan has been gone on holidays. Sometimes he was simply at work and was home at some point in the day. Other times he was far away, Washington DC, Arizona, California. One year he was in Arizona for 3 months. Those months included Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and he came home the day after Valentines. He spent Thanksgiving, And Christmas planning meals for his guys to make their days special. New Years day that year he spent in the hospital. Valentines he, I assume, spent working and packing to come home. I have always felt really sad for him when he was away from us, even if what he was doing was so very important, but I was always really busy with keeping things going for everyone else. Its a lot of work. When I stopped and thought about it I couldn't imagine what it was like to not be here with the rest of us for what ever holiday. He must have been unhappy.
As the circle of life has continued to spiral over the last few years, our holidays have gotten smaller and smaller. Kids grow up and move on to their own lives and that is as it should be. Other things happen that I have previously written about on other blog posts.
So, I am thinking that having it be Valentine's Day, a day that isn't one of my favorite holidays anyway, to be the first holiday I have ever spent completely alone is a good choice.
I started out my day as any other Saturday, I convinced myself to get out of bed and get ready for work even though my bed was so warm and comfy. Work had some ups and downs and strange plot twists which caused me to not finish what I had wanted to get done by the time to leave at 12:00. So at about 1:30, I realized that I was NOT going to get finished in any timely manner and maybe it was time to go home. Maybe it was really true that after some sleep, my brain would function better, and maybe so would my computer. So, I left to go home.
A couple of my friends keep talking to me about taking care of myself but honestly, I don't know what that even means as there is always more important things that must be done then maybe I can get around to what ever Me is. So when I walked in to my house, and there was absolutely no one there, and no one was GOING to be home before Tuesday. I was at a complete loss of what to do other than the obvious, clean the living room and dining room that I was DETERMINED to get to this week but still haven't. Do more laundry, Clean out the refrigerator, Clean up my bedroom. Not to mention, I am waiting any day to come home to a pink note on the front door saying clean up your yard or go to court, again.
Instead, I walked through the house, to my bed and crawled in it. Maybe this is what my friends have meant.
So, the upshot of the whole thing here? It really doesn't matter what else is going on, on facebook or mushy movies on tv, or even what everyone else you know IS doing, a holiday alone is really pretty great. Especially if you give it a new name. And to that, I am going back to sleep.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Management Boot Camp Week 1
So, because I have nothing to do in my evening time after a full 8-9 hours of work. I found out that through our local community ed program at the branch college in town I could work toward a certificate program in business management. Class started Monday actually, but I just got everything set up and in the program today. Suzanne was interested in taking it also and I truly believe that no education is wasted so here we go. Office mates taking classes together.
We got set up today and got to look around on the website a little but tonight is the first moment I have had to really breathe and do anything besides my introduction. I am typing this while waiting for the first presentation to download. Its slow.
My goal is to be finished with the first section by 10 but since it is taking so long to download I am not sure I will make it but as close as possible as the alarm is scheduled for 5.
I have done my log in and written my introduction and goals for my self for the class. And now I begin.
We got set up today and got to look around on the website a little but tonight is the first moment I have had to really breathe and do anything besides my introduction. I am typing this while waiting for the first presentation to download. Its slow.
My goal is to be finished with the first section by 10 but since it is taking so long to download I am not sure I will make it but as close as possible as the alarm is scheduled for 5.
I have done my log in and written my introduction and goals for my self for the class. And now I begin.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
I Need a Pensive 2005-2015 Sort of
Before I begin, let me include a disclaimer. For those who know nothing about my life, I assure you that this is all true if maybe somewhat out of order in a few places and you have no idea how much I have left out. For those who "rode this horse with me" You may want to choose to skip this part of my blog, Ive been told its a bit much to relive in a short amount of time. You decide. But don't say I didn't warn you. Also, if there are things that you think I have forgotten and need included, message me and let me know and I will include them.
Continuing we go.............
2005 Must have been a quiet year or I have just not remembered.
November 9, 2005 Ethan is born. I was invited to be there. Spent the night watching the same movie over and over. I got to hold him, he and I are friends for ever. Went to work and left Daddy with his new family.
2006 I honestly cant remember the year but I THINK it was either 2005 or 2006. It was January, I know that. My parents wake up and start breakfast. My youngest brother, does not. The last 2 and a half years were great with him. Best time since he was younger than 10 years old. He and my parents traveled, did things together, my kids and I spent time with him. He is missed.
Liz goes back to college. Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas are pretty weird.
May,
Sam gets burned, he and I take an air ambulance to Lubbock, They want him out of the hospital here and to a burn unit as fast as possible because this involves his face so if his nasal passages or throat start swelling he could die quickly. Thunder and lightening all around and 5 loops over town to get over the mountain in the storm. Each leg of our trip, Ambulance from hospital to the airport, Air Ambulance, Ambulance to the medical center, the EMT's all apologize to me at the end of their run or al the stories they told Sam of the ways THEY did things that could have injured them at the least or killed them at best. I learned that I am really not sure how our species has survived. Spraying your hand with hairspray and then lightening it on fire? And THAT was from a FEMALE EMT. Diagnosis 2nd and 3rd degree burns up one arm, all across his chest, and over most of his face. The question we have is, are freckles on the surface of your skin or do they go all the way to the bone? We spend the next few weeks debriding his burns twice a day. Standing in the shower in warm water and I have a washcloth to scrub the area as hard as I can then rebandage.
Abby graduates from high school. Cheer captain, band, honor society among other things. I am so very proud. We go on her graduation cruise. What a blast we have!!!!! The sunburn I get on the beach that lasts 3 weeks is TOTALLY WORTH IT !!! The food!!! Oh my gosh the food... Do you want a horse that goes slow or fast? I want a SHORT HORSE!!! Many memories there, check out my scrapbook. She starts college.
Fall,
Jonathan goes to the doctor to see what's wrong with his thumb, comes out with a stint in his heart. 95% blockage. Well, not really in and out, it involves a 2 night stay in the hospital here taking tests that he is passing with flying colors. 94th percentile for someone of his age, Doc says he is just fine to go home after they get the results of one more test. Ummm guess what, you are going to Las Cruces to a specialist, by ambulance. Long story short, the doctor decides to go look and see what we can see since there is nothing conclusive. My Aunt and Uncle come to sit with me. Doctor tells me he needs to change some things cause his arteries look like hamburger but if he gets some good exercise, eats better and gives up the tobacco things should go well for him with the aid of a little medication to assist. I learn things about the heart that I never knew I wanted to know. I also found out that Jonathan does not need to take Ativan ever again. He does not react well to it at all. We wont go into any more detail. Funny to figure out the things I can talk about and the things I don't seem to be able to yet. There are pictures in my head but I really cant form words in any way that makes sense.
2007 Must have been pretty ordinary as I cant tell you much about it right now
2008 June, Jace is born, There is something wrong but we don't know just what. A few days later he is diagnosed with Tricuspid Atresia. Tricuspid atresia is a type of heart disease that is present at birth (congenital heart disease), in which the tricuspid heart valve is missing or abnormally developed. The defect blocks blood flow from the right atrium to the right ventricle. In his case, the tricuspid heart valve is not there at all, but his body formed a hole between the right atrium and the right ventricle in a different place, just no valve there. We learn a great deal about the workings of the heart that we never knew we wanted to know.
Two weeks after he is born, Liz and Dusty get married. We still have no idea really of prognosis for Jace. We had a great time, summer wedding ice cream sundae bar at the reception!!! Yum Yum. They wait a week to leave on their honeymoon so that Dusty can officiate for the wedding of a friend of ours. Can you imagine them being that thoughtful? Then they kind of all ride off to honeymoon land together. Liz and Dusty are going to Branson, My mom and dad head that way as well. Oh and the month before that they Graduate from college They literally live IN the church Dusty preaches in for more than a year.
November, Abby and Aaron meet. They each just need a friend at the moment. We know that Aaron is deploying to Afghanistan in April. They spend a lot of time talking.
2009
Aaron leaves for predeployment training in March.
, Being completely non military, this was a world we had really never touched before. Aaron was in EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) He would be gone for 6 months. We learn about Skype, we learn about the delays in over seas calls. They email a lot as of course they are on 2 separate schedules. He and I talk a lot. Abby and I don't watch the news anymore. We also are very selective about songs that come on the radio. Aaron and I look at engagement rings on line. I keep a LOT of secrets during this time. We don't tell him anything about what is going on with my dad. They like each other and we don't want to worry him in his situation. He is gone until October.
August
My dad is diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. He and my mom and his brothers and sisters in law go on vacation. Sept. he starts treatment in Albuquerque. With the help of friends they go to Albuquerque to live for 2.5 months. We learn a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know.
Oct 6, max bends over and realizes his back hurts. He presses on. Oct 10 my phone rings asking me to come take care of the kids so that an ambulance can take max to the hospital as he cant get up off the bathroom floor because of his back. Diagnosis, millimeters away from a fully ruptured disk in his back and he is unable to work. I go on working. Max is out for 6 months unable to work. I find a couple of brothers who can fill in for him at least part time.
November, my mom and dad come back from treatment, and 2 days later Jonathan leaves for a detail in Arizona. Things look very good after treatment but we know how things can change so Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays to be cherished this year even though Jonathan is in Arizona. The day after Christmas the boys and I drive out to Nogales to see Jonathan. We spend the weekend and come back on Monday for me to go back to work and be able to keep the store open.
2009/2010
Thursday is New Years Eve. Im at work. Phone rings, Jonathan tells me he doesn't feel well and his chest feels "wrong" so he is driving himself to the medical center in Tucson to be checked out. I start scrambling to get the store closed, find a place for the boys to stay, get them packed, get me packed, get out of town. As I am leaving, the phone rings again and he tells me that they aren't sure what is going on so they are going to go in and do another angiogram as soon as they can work him in (ON NEW YEARS EVE REMEMBER) but don't worry he will probably be the last one in late in the evening. I start driving. I pull in to Las Cruces, the phone rings again, they are going to start prepping him NOW... Im still in New Mexico YOU CANT YET. The doctors want to go home. I drive, boy do I drive. Did you know that a 2004 Dodge 3500's cruise control doesn't work above 90 mph? I do. The sun starts going down and it becomes very apparent that most of the rest areas are already filling up even if I felt like I had time to stop and go to the bathroom. The traffic that is still out on the road is me and semi trucks. 5 miles before the Arizona state line they call me and tell me he is out of surgery and I can slow down. Yeah right. I get there, spend the night in a chair. They did bring me a blanket though. I could stay there since I had no other place to go unless they had to bring another patient in, then I would have to go sleep in the waiting room. But at least this time he is resting peacefully. We know not to give him the same meds and he has his restless leg meds WITH him so we don't have to worry about him bleeding out because we cant get the bleeding to stop like the last time. The next day we meet with the team of doctors and residents and learn more about hearts than I knew I wanted to know. Things are clogging back up again. Meds need to be changed, life style items need to be changed. But things will be ok. Happy New Year..Its 2010
The end of January the phone rings at work, I am waiting on a customer, my mom answers the phone. She says it is Ashley for me. I answer the phone, The voice on the other end of the phone says, Sherry, I'm at the hospital, I'm in Labor and I cant find my mom. I need you, Please? I tell the 2 salesmen that are waiting for me that they have to catch me next time as I really have to leave. In the next 12 hours, I learn about letting my niece wrap her arms around me to hold her steady while she gets an epidural. I learned that epidurals sometimes don't work, or work incorrectly, like they only numb the left side of a woman's body, and not all of it so you don't feel on one side and you feel it ALL on the other. I learned that there was a really great doctor on call who went home at 10 pm to get some sleep because while things were progressing we weren't there yet. Then she came back at 11 because when she got home to get in the shower before going to sleep, she just couldn't help feeling that even though she was "only" the doctor on call and had actually never seen my niece before, she just couldn't shake the nagging feeling that there was something she wasn't seeing and wanted to ask us if we thought it was time to consider a C-section or did we want to wait a while longer. Her hair was still wet. I asked her the question I have learned to ask doctors who give us those kind of choices.. "if this was YOUR daughter, what would you do?" She said Section her now. I was sent to change into scrubs as quickly as I could while they wheeled her into OR... I got in there just in time to see the doctor somersault a baby twice to unwrap the cord from around his neck...Twice. They cleaned him off, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me, to show to his mommy and then take to the Nursery in my arms while they finished looking at all of her internal organs to make sure everything was ok before they put them back where they belonged and sewed her up. He was perfect and I stayed with him till they brought his mommy back to her room.
June, 3:00 am, Phone rings, Daddy, Im in labor. In the truck, I mention again that the curise control does not work above 90 MPH which is fine because we cant drive that fast going through the mountains anyway. It does NOT however take us 3 hours to drive to Hobbs, America. Things go along as labor does. This anestiseologist however doesn't ALLOW anyone in the room for an epidural so as uncomfortable as I was before, it made me really angry that NO one was allowed to stay in the room while this procedure was done. Things go along more hours. WE are finally at a point to push and the doctor is not there, they call him and reassure us that he is only 10 minutes away. An Hour and a Half later when she is still "NOT PUSHING" and the doctor is not there, I mentally give myself an ultimatum of 2 more minutes, If he is not there in 2 more minutes I am throwing everyone out of this room and her dad (who was an EMT and has done a lot of this) is going to deliver this baby. The doctor got in with 30 seconds to spare. ( This last year there was an article on the news about this doctor being indited for things that we were probably dealing with in this case) The good news was this sweet little boy was fine inspite. We were just going to be there till she delivered then go back home to work.. But Grandpa decided that Grandma needed time to spend with Dart before we went home so 2 more days were spent there Yeah it was Grandma who needed this.
Interspersed in this year and the next couple Jace has angioplasty done a couple of times, open heart surgery 2 times. We learn things about hearts we never knew we wanted to know. I go with Leah to several appointments and take care of Ethan during times they are away for surgeries and recovery.
Life goes on, work goes on, growing up goes on. Have I mentioned that Malachi is not fond of school. Have I mentioned that Malachi stays very busy? Have I mentioned that at 14 he completely runs the Vacation Bible School program at our church pretty much single handedly.
Abby and Aaron are getting married. We have been having such a great time, planning, making, designing deciding on wedding things. Just before the wedding we find out that the cancer is back and my dad is now considered terminal with 6 months give or take to live. My uncles come for the wedding. We have a blast. Abby and Aaron head off for their honeymoon.
September, its time to go. He falls and breaks his femur. The dizziness that causes the fall is probably a result of an arrhythmia cause by the cancer getting to his heart or the radiation damage that they caused. or it was just time. I wont forget the night I spent at the hospital before they could do the surgery on his bone sitting at the foot of the bed holding traction on his leg when the muscles started spasms very few minutes. Pulling on a broken bone somehow seemed counter intuitive but on the other hand, it stopped the pain for a few minutes. Standing over his bed and watching the man who was sedated take the intubation tube out of his own throat with his teeth and tongue was pretty amazing if not frightening. Then there was the move home after he decided he had been poked and prodded enough and was done. Then there was his final breath. My parents were married for 57 years. During that week in the hospital (wow was it only a week?) I learned a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know.
Its a really rough time for Jonathan, Max, Sam, in particular. I just have to keep things going till they are ready.
2011 I'm drowning trying to figure out all of the things I should have known how to do and I didn't. 2 businesses to run. Too many things to say here too that really aren't that important, but wow, its a really fast time of trying to get my feet under me and to keep things together for everyone else around me. There are bills to be paid. Choices are very limited. Have to keep Malachi and Sam's education going in some way as well. One foot in front of the other, I can do this. Fire season this year is the busiest we have had in years. One weekend Jonathan replaces water pumps on all 3 pieces of our equipment, one here in the yard, then one in Arizona and the third in Northern New Mexico and is back in time for his regular shift at work.
July We get another phone call. The very short version of this story is we make a racing trip to Albuquerque to be there with my last remaining sibling when he passes away from kidney failure.
He and I had talked pretty much every day. I ran ideas by him, he gave me his opinion, he was just the one who was there to listen to me any time I just needed to talk, he kept me straight as well. Every day is a little weird now. Some times I still wait for the phone to ring.
2012 April 11, Jonathan has a heart attack. I think this is where I will stop. I'm pretty sure that not only am I not ready to really talk about this event and things that have happened after, but I don't think everyone is ready to hear my thoughts on it either. Just know that I learned a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know. A lot of second guessing and people deciding what caused the event. The good news is that with the exception of some questionable feelings and several trips to the doctor and the ER there have been no more episodes to date and we are almost at our 3 year anniversary.
Life went on and that brings us to July of 2013 and the decision that has brought us to where we are now. That is another story even though I have shared parts of it in other blogs. New business ventures, new learning, new challenges. They continue every day but that choice to change directions has made today possible. It has granted Jonathan freedom to do some things right now that there is no way he could have done in his previous life. I am very thankful for the opportunities he currently has. Enough for now.
Continuing we go.............
2005 Must have been a quiet year or I have just not remembered.
November 9, 2005 Ethan is born. I was invited to be there. Spent the night watching the same movie over and over. I got to hold him, he and I are friends for ever. Went to work and left Daddy with his new family.
2006 I honestly cant remember the year but I THINK it was either 2005 or 2006. It was January, I know that. My parents wake up and start breakfast. My youngest brother, does not. The last 2 and a half years were great with him. Best time since he was younger than 10 years old. He and my parents traveled, did things together, my kids and I spent time with him. He is missed.
Liz goes back to college. Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas are pretty weird.
May,
Sam gets burned, he and I take an air ambulance to Lubbock, They want him out of the hospital here and to a burn unit as fast as possible because this involves his face so if his nasal passages or throat start swelling he could die quickly. Thunder and lightening all around and 5 loops over town to get over the mountain in the storm. Each leg of our trip, Ambulance from hospital to the airport, Air Ambulance, Ambulance to the medical center, the EMT's all apologize to me at the end of their run or al the stories they told Sam of the ways THEY did things that could have injured them at the least or killed them at best. I learned that I am really not sure how our species has survived. Spraying your hand with hairspray and then lightening it on fire? And THAT was from a FEMALE EMT. Diagnosis 2nd and 3rd degree burns up one arm, all across his chest, and over most of his face. The question we have is, are freckles on the surface of your skin or do they go all the way to the bone? We spend the next few weeks debriding his burns twice a day. Standing in the shower in warm water and I have a washcloth to scrub the area as hard as I can then rebandage.
Abby graduates from high school. Cheer captain, band, honor society among other things. I am so very proud. We go on her graduation cruise. What a blast we have!!!!! The sunburn I get on the beach that lasts 3 weeks is TOTALLY WORTH IT !!! The food!!! Oh my gosh the food... Do you want a horse that goes slow or fast? I want a SHORT HORSE!!! Many memories there, check out my scrapbook. She starts college.
Fall,
Jonathan goes to the doctor to see what's wrong with his thumb, comes out with a stint in his heart. 95% blockage. Well, not really in and out, it involves a 2 night stay in the hospital here taking tests that he is passing with flying colors. 94th percentile for someone of his age, Doc says he is just fine to go home after they get the results of one more test. Ummm guess what, you are going to Las Cruces to a specialist, by ambulance. Long story short, the doctor decides to go look and see what we can see since there is nothing conclusive. My Aunt and Uncle come to sit with me. Doctor tells me he needs to change some things cause his arteries look like hamburger but if he gets some good exercise, eats better and gives up the tobacco things should go well for him with the aid of a little medication to assist. I learn things about the heart that I never knew I wanted to know. I also found out that Jonathan does not need to take Ativan ever again. He does not react well to it at all. We wont go into any more detail. Funny to figure out the things I can talk about and the things I don't seem to be able to yet. There are pictures in my head but I really cant form words in any way that makes sense.
2007 Must have been pretty ordinary as I cant tell you much about it right now
2008 June, Jace is born, There is something wrong but we don't know just what. A few days later he is diagnosed with Tricuspid Atresia. Tricuspid atresia is a type of heart disease that is present at birth (congenital heart disease), in which the tricuspid heart valve is missing or abnormally developed. The defect blocks blood flow from the right atrium to the right ventricle. In his case, the tricuspid heart valve is not there at all, but his body formed a hole between the right atrium and the right ventricle in a different place, just no valve there. We learn a great deal about the workings of the heart that we never knew we wanted to know.
Two weeks after he is born, Liz and Dusty get married. We still have no idea really of prognosis for Jace. We had a great time, summer wedding ice cream sundae bar at the reception!!! Yum Yum. They wait a week to leave on their honeymoon so that Dusty can officiate for the wedding of a friend of ours. Can you imagine them being that thoughtful? Then they kind of all ride off to honeymoon land together. Liz and Dusty are going to Branson, My mom and dad head that way as well. Oh and the month before that they Graduate from college They literally live IN the church Dusty preaches in for more than a year.
November, Abby and Aaron meet. They each just need a friend at the moment. We know that Aaron is deploying to Afghanistan in April. They spend a lot of time talking.
2009
Aaron leaves for predeployment training in March.
, Being completely non military, this was a world we had really never touched before. Aaron was in EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) He would be gone for 6 months. We learn about Skype, we learn about the delays in over seas calls. They email a lot as of course they are on 2 separate schedules. He and I talk a lot. Abby and I don't watch the news anymore. We also are very selective about songs that come on the radio. Aaron and I look at engagement rings on line. I keep a LOT of secrets during this time. We don't tell him anything about what is going on with my dad. They like each other and we don't want to worry him in his situation. He is gone until October.
August
My dad is diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. He and my mom and his brothers and sisters in law go on vacation. Sept. he starts treatment in Albuquerque. With the help of friends they go to Albuquerque to live for 2.5 months. We learn a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know.
Oct 6, max bends over and realizes his back hurts. He presses on. Oct 10 my phone rings asking me to come take care of the kids so that an ambulance can take max to the hospital as he cant get up off the bathroom floor because of his back. Diagnosis, millimeters away from a fully ruptured disk in his back and he is unable to work. I go on working. Max is out for 6 months unable to work. I find a couple of brothers who can fill in for him at least part time.
November, my mom and dad come back from treatment, and 2 days later Jonathan leaves for a detail in Arizona. Things look very good after treatment but we know how things can change so Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays to be cherished this year even though Jonathan is in Arizona. The day after Christmas the boys and I drive out to Nogales to see Jonathan. We spend the weekend and come back on Monday for me to go back to work and be able to keep the store open.
2009/2010
Thursday is New Years Eve. Im at work. Phone rings, Jonathan tells me he doesn't feel well and his chest feels "wrong" so he is driving himself to the medical center in Tucson to be checked out. I start scrambling to get the store closed, find a place for the boys to stay, get them packed, get me packed, get out of town. As I am leaving, the phone rings again and he tells me that they aren't sure what is going on so they are going to go in and do another angiogram as soon as they can work him in (ON NEW YEARS EVE REMEMBER) but don't worry he will probably be the last one in late in the evening. I start driving. I pull in to Las Cruces, the phone rings again, they are going to start prepping him NOW... Im still in New Mexico YOU CANT YET. The doctors want to go home. I drive, boy do I drive. Did you know that a 2004 Dodge 3500's cruise control doesn't work above 90 mph? I do. The sun starts going down and it becomes very apparent that most of the rest areas are already filling up even if I felt like I had time to stop and go to the bathroom. The traffic that is still out on the road is me and semi trucks. 5 miles before the Arizona state line they call me and tell me he is out of surgery and I can slow down. Yeah right. I get there, spend the night in a chair. They did bring me a blanket though. I could stay there since I had no other place to go unless they had to bring another patient in, then I would have to go sleep in the waiting room. But at least this time he is resting peacefully. We know not to give him the same meds and he has his restless leg meds WITH him so we don't have to worry about him bleeding out because we cant get the bleeding to stop like the last time. The next day we meet with the team of doctors and residents and learn more about hearts than I knew I wanted to know. Things are clogging back up again. Meds need to be changed, life style items need to be changed. But things will be ok. Happy New Year..Its 2010
The end of January the phone rings at work, I am waiting on a customer, my mom answers the phone. She says it is Ashley for me. I answer the phone, The voice on the other end of the phone says, Sherry, I'm at the hospital, I'm in Labor and I cant find my mom. I need you, Please? I tell the 2 salesmen that are waiting for me that they have to catch me next time as I really have to leave. In the next 12 hours, I learn about letting my niece wrap her arms around me to hold her steady while she gets an epidural. I learned that epidurals sometimes don't work, or work incorrectly, like they only numb the left side of a woman's body, and not all of it so you don't feel on one side and you feel it ALL on the other. I learned that there was a really great doctor on call who went home at 10 pm to get some sleep because while things were progressing we weren't there yet. Then she came back at 11 because when she got home to get in the shower before going to sleep, she just couldn't help feeling that even though she was "only" the doctor on call and had actually never seen my niece before, she just couldn't shake the nagging feeling that there was something she wasn't seeing and wanted to ask us if we thought it was time to consider a C-section or did we want to wait a while longer. Her hair was still wet. I asked her the question I have learned to ask doctors who give us those kind of choices.. "if this was YOUR daughter, what would you do?" She said Section her now. I was sent to change into scrubs as quickly as I could while they wheeled her into OR... I got in there just in time to see the doctor somersault a baby twice to unwrap the cord from around his neck...Twice. They cleaned him off, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me, to show to his mommy and then take to the Nursery in my arms while they finished looking at all of her internal organs to make sure everything was ok before they put them back where they belonged and sewed her up. He was perfect and I stayed with him till they brought his mommy back to her room.
June, 3:00 am, Phone rings, Daddy, Im in labor. In the truck, I mention again that the curise control does not work above 90 MPH which is fine because we cant drive that fast going through the mountains anyway. It does NOT however take us 3 hours to drive to Hobbs, America. Things go along as labor does. This anestiseologist however doesn't ALLOW anyone in the room for an epidural so as uncomfortable as I was before, it made me really angry that NO one was allowed to stay in the room while this procedure was done. Things go along more hours. WE are finally at a point to push and the doctor is not there, they call him and reassure us that he is only 10 minutes away. An Hour and a Half later when she is still "NOT PUSHING" and the doctor is not there, I mentally give myself an ultimatum of 2 more minutes, If he is not there in 2 more minutes I am throwing everyone out of this room and her dad (who was an EMT and has done a lot of this) is going to deliver this baby. The doctor got in with 30 seconds to spare. ( This last year there was an article on the news about this doctor being indited for things that we were probably dealing with in this case) The good news was this sweet little boy was fine inspite. We were just going to be there till she delivered then go back home to work.. But Grandpa decided that Grandma needed time to spend with Dart before we went home so 2 more days were spent there Yeah it was Grandma who needed this.
Interspersed in this year and the next couple Jace has angioplasty done a couple of times, open heart surgery 2 times. We learn things about hearts we never knew we wanted to know. I go with Leah to several appointments and take care of Ethan during times they are away for surgeries and recovery.
Life goes on, work goes on, growing up goes on. Have I mentioned that Malachi is not fond of school. Have I mentioned that Malachi stays very busy? Have I mentioned that at 14 he completely runs the Vacation Bible School program at our church pretty much single handedly.
Abby and Aaron are getting married. We have been having such a great time, planning, making, designing deciding on wedding things. Just before the wedding we find out that the cancer is back and my dad is now considered terminal with 6 months give or take to live. My uncles come for the wedding. We have a blast. Abby and Aaron head off for their honeymoon.
September, its time to go. He falls and breaks his femur. The dizziness that causes the fall is probably a result of an arrhythmia cause by the cancer getting to his heart or the radiation damage that they caused. or it was just time. I wont forget the night I spent at the hospital before they could do the surgery on his bone sitting at the foot of the bed holding traction on his leg when the muscles started spasms very few minutes. Pulling on a broken bone somehow seemed counter intuitive but on the other hand, it stopped the pain for a few minutes. Standing over his bed and watching the man who was sedated take the intubation tube out of his own throat with his teeth and tongue was pretty amazing if not frightening. Then there was the move home after he decided he had been poked and prodded enough and was done. Then there was his final breath. My parents were married for 57 years. During that week in the hospital (wow was it only a week?) I learned a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know.
Its a really rough time for Jonathan, Max, Sam, in particular. I just have to keep things going till they are ready.
2011 I'm drowning trying to figure out all of the things I should have known how to do and I didn't. 2 businesses to run. Too many things to say here too that really aren't that important, but wow, its a really fast time of trying to get my feet under me and to keep things together for everyone else around me. There are bills to be paid. Choices are very limited. Have to keep Malachi and Sam's education going in some way as well. One foot in front of the other, I can do this. Fire season this year is the busiest we have had in years. One weekend Jonathan replaces water pumps on all 3 pieces of our equipment, one here in the yard, then one in Arizona and the third in Northern New Mexico and is back in time for his regular shift at work.
July We get another phone call. The very short version of this story is we make a racing trip to Albuquerque to be there with my last remaining sibling when he passes away from kidney failure.
He and I had talked pretty much every day. I ran ideas by him, he gave me his opinion, he was just the one who was there to listen to me any time I just needed to talk, he kept me straight as well. Every day is a little weird now. Some times I still wait for the phone to ring.
2012 April 11, Jonathan has a heart attack. I think this is where I will stop. I'm pretty sure that not only am I not ready to really talk about this event and things that have happened after, but I don't think everyone is ready to hear my thoughts on it either. Just know that I learned a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know. A lot of second guessing and people deciding what caused the event. The good news is that with the exception of some questionable feelings and several trips to the doctor and the ER there have been no more episodes to date and we are almost at our 3 year anniversary.
Life went on and that brings us to July of 2013 and the decision that has brought us to where we are now. That is another story even though I have shared parts of it in other blogs. New business ventures, new learning, new challenges. They continue every day but that choice to change directions has made today possible. It has granted Jonathan freedom to do some things right now that there is no way he could have done in his previous life. I am very thankful for the opportunities he currently has. Enough for now.
I Need a Pensive Time Warp Edition 2001-2004
Before I begin, let me include a disclaimer. For those who know nothing about my life, I assure you that this is all true if maybe somewhat out of order in a few places and you have no idea how much I have left out. For those who "rode this horse with me" You may want to choose to skip this part of my blog, Ive been told its a bit much to relive in a short amount of time. You decide. But don't say I didn't warn you. Also, if there are things that you think I have forgotten and need included, message me and let me know and I will include them.
Some how Sept 11 seems to be a good jumping off point. There are some events between when I was a child and that point that are important to how I got to this place on my path, but several of them are still not things I want to talk about or they involve events that involve others who probably don't want me to share their stories.
Sept 11, 2001 Don't need to say more, just know that we, the family who lived in the mountains with out tv by choice, GOT tv. The older kids were all at school, Jonathan was at work, the boys and I were at home just doing what we did then. A friend emailed me (yes the world before text messaging and tweeting!!!!!) and asked if I was watching TV. We don't have TV so we found a place that I could find news feed on the internet, just in time to watch the 2nd tower fall. I don't think I even today have to describe our thoughts, feelings, confusion about the situation. What was different for us was my husbands career field. He was in government service that involved being on a national level search, trauma and rescue team as well as his regular job. We had no idea what this was going to mean for our family at that moment. The Defining moment for us was when the phone rang, it was for Jonathan. He was given the option of going on "Detail" to an undisclosed location, for an undetermined length of time, to do an undetermined job in the service of his country and he had about 2 hours to decide. We had no idea still really what was happening nation wide, how could I say no, I don't want you to go, What about us? This is too frightening....... I mean this is OUR COUNTRY who needs him, right? So, Im just trying to figure out what to do next, when we look over at Abby who is quite literally curled up fetal on the couch crying. He calls them back and tells them that he feels someone has to be on THIS side of the country to hold the fort so he would just as soon like to stay here. Jonathans birthday is September 12. We had planned the first ever birthday party we had thrown for him. No one felt much like partying at that moment so, that year we went to the store and filled out his needs in the search and rescue gear line just in case he had to go to an undetermined place, for an undetermined length of time to do an undetermined job. He has hated his birthday ever since.
We got back to life on our quiet mountain much the same as before only we are just much more aware of the things around us than we were before. Maybe we watch "newcomers" a little more closely, and even those we have known a long time with a little more skepticism and distrust.
Life goes on, school activities dominate our lives and we enjoy every single thing the kids are involved in and thus we are involved in. The circle of our family attends as many things as possible
2002 Max graduates from high school. Band, sports, many things to be proud of. He goes off on a trip with the Lions Band. More high school activities for the girls!!!! We have a few friends who we do a few things with when we get the chance. Life on the mountain is great.
2003 October 9th Jonathan and I were in El Paso to pin his supervisor bars on. I am so proud of him and so pleased that he asked me to come pin him Phone calls are made, my uncle is coming by to pick me up. Never mind don't rush too much, my grandfather has passed away before we could get back to town. He had had ALS for 5 years. His mind was totally all there but his body had betrayed him. My grandmother had had a stroke several years before then a while later fell and broke her ankle. Now she and my grandfather were both in the same nursing home here in town. My mother went there at LEAST once a day, but usually every meal to go make sure her parents could eat. When she was out of town, sick or in any other reason couldn't not be there, I went. My boys LOVED going, I lost them at the front door and they cruised the halls seeing their friends. Eventually they would end up at the cafeteria, usually pushing a wheelchair or two of the friends they had made I am not sure which one benefited most from their visits, the two rowdy children or the elderly they visited.
Life goes on Ballet, Cheerleading, Work down the mountain, the boys are involved in many things now too
Thanksgiving and Christmas that year are weird.
2004
May, Liz graduates from high school. Sports, Band, OM/DI so many more things. Off we go on her senior cruise, what a blast. The food was AMAZING!!! How much weight did I gain? In HOW MANY days? The ocean, the dolphins!!!
June 9th My Grandmother passes away. They had been married 72 years They were 90.
Liz heads off to college. Where did the time go.
We move off the mountain into my grandparents house. Abby rides with a friend up and down the mountain every day to school.
Thanksgiving and Christmas that year are weird.
I know there are many events that I am leaving out in this but its so much to take in at one time so I think this is a very good place to stop for this episode.
To be continued next year.......................................
Some how Sept 11 seems to be a good jumping off point. There are some events between when I was a child and that point that are important to how I got to this place on my path, but several of them are still not things I want to talk about or they involve events that involve others who probably don't want me to share their stories.
Sept 11, 2001 Don't need to say more, just know that we, the family who lived in the mountains with out tv by choice, GOT tv. The older kids were all at school, Jonathan was at work, the boys and I were at home just doing what we did then. A friend emailed me (yes the world before text messaging and tweeting!!!!!) and asked if I was watching TV. We don't have TV so we found a place that I could find news feed on the internet, just in time to watch the 2nd tower fall. I don't think I even today have to describe our thoughts, feelings, confusion about the situation. What was different for us was my husbands career field. He was in government service that involved being on a national level search, trauma and rescue team as well as his regular job. We had no idea what this was going to mean for our family at that moment. The Defining moment for us was when the phone rang, it was for Jonathan. He was given the option of going on "Detail" to an undisclosed location, for an undetermined length of time, to do an undetermined job in the service of his country and he had about 2 hours to decide. We had no idea still really what was happening nation wide, how could I say no, I don't want you to go, What about us? This is too frightening....... I mean this is OUR COUNTRY who needs him, right? So, Im just trying to figure out what to do next, when we look over at Abby who is quite literally curled up fetal on the couch crying. He calls them back and tells them that he feels someone has to be on THIS side of the country to hold the fort so he would just as soon like to stay here. Jonathans birthday is September 12. We had planned the first ever birthday party we had thrown for him. No one felt much like partying at that moment so, that year we went to the store and filled out his needs in the search and rescue gear line just in case he had to go to an undetermined place, for an undetermined length of time to do an undetermined job. He has hated his birthday ever since.
We got back to life on our quiet mountain much the same as before only we are just much more aware of the things around us than we were before. Maybe we watch "newcomers" a little more closely, and even those we have known a long time with a little more skepticism and distrust.
Life goes on, school activities dominate our lives and we enjoy every single thing the kids are involved in and thus we are involved in. The circle of our family attends as many things as possible
2002 Max graduates from high school. Band, sports, many things to be proud of. He goes off on a trip with the Lions Band. More high school activities for the girls!!!! We have a few friends who we do a few things with when we get the chance. Life on the mountain is great.
2003 October 9th Jonathan and I were in El Paso to pin his supervisor bars on. I am so proud of him and so pleased that he asked me to come pin him Phone calls are made, my uncle is coming by to pick me up. Never mind don't rush too much, my grandfather has passed away before we could get back to town. He had had ALS for 5 years. His mind was totally all there but his body had betrayed him. My grandmother had had a stroke several years before then a while later fell and broke her ankle. Now she and my grandfather were both in the same nursing home here in town. My mother went there at LEAST once a day, but usually every meal to go make sure her parents could eat. When she was out of town, sick or in any other reason couldn't not be there, I went. My boys LOVED going, I lost them at the front door and they cruised the halls seeing their friends. Eventually they would end up at the cafeteria, usually pushing a wheelchair or two of the friends they had made I am not sure which one benefited most from their visits, the two rowdy children or the elderly they visited.
Life goes on Ballet, Cheerleading, Work down the mountain, the boys are involved in many things now too
Thanksgiving and Christmas that year are weird.
2004
May, Liz graduates from high school. Sports, Band, OM/DI so many more things. Off we go on her senior cruise, what a blast. The food was AMAZING!!! How much weight did I gain? In HOW MANY days? The ocean, the dolphins!!!
June 9th My Grandmother passes away. They had been married 72 years They were 90.
Liz heads off to college. Where did the time go.
We move off the mountain into my grandparents house. Abby rides with a friend up and down the mountain every day to school.
Thanksgiving and Christmas that year are weird.
I know there are many events that I am leaving out in this but its so much to take in at one time so I think this is a very good place to stop for this episode.
To be continued next year.......................................
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
I Need a Pensive Chapter 2
According to Merriam Webster:
Nightmare
1. an evil spirit formerly thought to oppress people during sleep
2 a frightening dream that usually awakens the sleeper
3 something (as an experience, situation, or object) having the monstrous character of a nightmare or producing a feeling of anxiety or terror
And:
Full Definition of FLASHBACK
1
: a recession of flame to an unwanted position (as into a blowpipe)
2
a : interruption of chronological sequence (as in a film or literary work) by interjection of events of earlier occurrence; also : an instance of flashback
b : a past incident recurring vividly in the mind
The Mayo Clinic defines:
I have had nightmares pretty much my whole memory. It was recognized in my family when I was 2. Until I was 2 I slept in a crib in my parents bedroom. Some time around 2.5 I was moved into "my own room". Not long after that, in order to get sleep herself, I guess, my mom moved me back to the crib in her room. Even at that age, there are two specific nightmares that I remember having. I was back in my parents room till I was somewhere over 4.
Time line of other events in life. 1959, I was born. Life was normal, till one day my mother takes me in to the doctor for some of my baby shots, I believe the 6 month shots. The doctor looks at my sister who is 4 years older than I am. He tells my mom let him look at her too. She is diagnosed with Leukemia. Life changes. I turned 2 in October and on New Years Eve, we loose her. Do I remember her? Yes, I actually have memories that we have traced to about the time I was 9 months old for sure. There are others that are more nebulous and could be earlier or later.
1963 I have a birthday. November 22, my mother is in the kitchen cooking lunch while I am watching tv in the livingroom. I am watching a procession going through Dallas. Who knows what influences children some times, but for what ever reason I apparently adored JFK so I was watching. My mother didn't have any idea what was going on until I suddenly became hysterical screaming, "THEY SHOT HIM< THEY SHOT HIM!!!!! Short version here is that I was glued to the TV through every event that came after that.
Nightmares expand. We have no idea there even IS such a thing as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder back then.
In college, when a friend was taking a class on dream therapy, and I was her guinea pig due to several life long reoccurring dreams, we figured out that the men in dark suits with wires coming out of their heads and rifles and hand guns at my door when no one else was home, were secret service men. She got an A on that paper and those dreams pretty much went away, only to rear their ugly head once or twice in the last 30 years.
It was the family joke that I slept with all of my toys in my bed with me. You know that scene in ET where he is in the closet surrounded by stuffed toys so no one realizes that he is there? I was doing that way before ET. If everything was in my bed with me, no one could see ME. Well, the only toy NOT in my bed was my clown. His name was Guckenheimer. He laughed at me sometimes and it made me mad.
I always tell people that I am the person who doesn't have abandonment issues as I figured out that people leave you when I was 2 years old. This really is true, over all I had a very normal upbringing and things rocked along fine. However, I also learned at a very early age to not make friends with people who you know to start with are going to only be around a short time. That was pretty tough in a small military based town. So I learned pretty early to take care of myself and be happy in my own skin. I learned to be a "watcher".
If things in my formative years had been different, would I be different? In some ways probably, but I was also what was called PAINFULLY SHY. I hid behind my dads legs. My first grade teacher called my parents in, I kid you not, to ask them if they didn't allow me to talk or what? (Yeah I cover that part of me pretty well now) But honestly, I am still very uncomfortable in most group situations.
Many of my nightmares have always involved groups of people and being lost, or everyone else going somewhere but being unable to join them or groups of people being in attack mode. (No NOT zombies)
As I go back and read over this, I am sure it won't seem to be that big of a deal to most. I still am not sure of the connections between these events and my subconscious. But its there.
You would also think that by the time I was an adult I could just let things go, like practice what I preach to others. The thing is, in my sunshine world, I CAN let it all go mostly. Its what happens when the shields are down and I am asleep. And after a while when I am in what I refer to as a dream cycle, I get to be afraid to try to sleep and to let those shields down.
And I am in a cycle, so now I am off to read a book for a while before I try to catch a couple hours sleep. I will return as I have just scratched the surface of my emptying my brain. I just hope this helps.
2 a frightening dream that usually awakens the sleeper
3 something (as an experience, situation, or object) having the monstrous character of a nightmare or producing a feeling of anxiety or terror
And:
Full Definition of FLASHBACK
1
: a recession of flame to an unwanted position (as into a blowpipe)
2
a : interruption of chronological sequence (as in a film or literary work) by interjection of events of earlier occurrence; also : an instance of flashback
b : a past incident recurring vividly in the mind
The Mayo Clinic defines:
I have had nightmares pretty much my whole memory. It was recognized in my family when I was 2. Until I was 2 I slept in a crib in my parents bedroom. Some time around 2.5 I was moved into "my own room". Not long after that, in order to get sleep herself, I guess, my mom moved me back to the crib in her room. Even at that age, there are two specific nightmares that I remember having. I was back in my parents room till I was somewhere over 4.
Time line of other events in life. 1959, I was born. Life was normal, till one day my mother takes me in to the doctor for some of my baby shots, I believe the 6 month shots. The doctor looks at my sister who is 4 years older than I am. He tells my mom let him look at her too. She is diagnosed with Leukemia. Life changes. I turned 2 in October and on New Years Eve, we loose her. Do I remember her? Yes, I actually have memories that we have traced to about the time I was 9 months old for sure. There are others that are more nebulous and could be earlier or later.
1963 I have a birthday. November 22, my mother is in the kitchen cooking lunch while I am watching tv in the livingroom. I am watching a procession going through Dallas. Who knows what influences children some times, but for what ever reason I apparently adored JFK so I was watching. My mother didn't have any idea what was going on until I suddenly became hysterical screaming, "THEY SHOT HIM< THEY SHOT HIM!!!!! Short version here is that I was glued to the TV through every event that came after that.
Nightmares expand. We have no idea there even IS such a thing as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder back then.
In college, when a friend was taking a class on dream therapy, and I was her guinea pig due to several life long reoccurring dreams, we figured out that the men in dark suits with wires coming out of their heads and rifles and hand guns at my door when no one else was home, were secret service men. She got an A on that paper and those dreams pretty much went away, only to rear their ugly head once or twice in the last 30 years.
It was the family joke that I slept with all of my toys in my bed with me. You know that scene in ET where he is in the closet surrounded by stuffed toys so no one realizes that he is there? I was doing that way before ET. If everything was in my bed with me, no one could see ME. Well, the only toy NOT in my bed was my clown. His name was Guckenheimer. He laughed at me sometimes and it made me mad.
I always tell people that I am the person who doesn't have abandonment issues as I figured out that people leave you when I was 2 years old. This really is true, over all I had a very normal upbringing and things rocked along fine. However, I also learned at a very early age to not make friends with people who you know to start with are going to only be around a short time. That was pretty tough in a small military based town. So I learned pretty early to take care of myself and be happy in my own skin. I learned to be a "watcher".
If things in my formative years had been different, would I be different? In some ways probably, but I was also what was called PAINFULLY SHY. I hid behind my dads legs. My first grade teacher called my parents in, I kid you not, to ask them if they didn't allow me to talk or what? (Yeah I cover that part of me pretty well now) But honestly, I am still very uncomfortable in most group situations.
Many of my nightmares have always involved groups of people and being lost, or everyone else going somewhere but being unable to join them or groups of people being in attack mode. (No NOT zombies)
As I go back and read over this, I am sure it won't seem to be that big of a deal to most. I still am not sure of the connections between these events and my subconscious. But its there.
You would also think that by the time I was an adult I could just let things go, like practice what I preach to others. The thing is, in my sunshine world, I CAN let it all go mostly. Its what happens when the shields are down and I am asleep. And after a while when I am in what I refer to as a dream cycle, I get to be afraid to try to sleep and to let those shields down.
And I am in a cycle, so now I am off to read a book for a while before I try to catch a couple hours sleep. I will return as I have just scratched the surface of my emptying my brain. I just hope this helps.
1
: a recession of flame to an unwanted position (as into a blowpipe)
2
a : interruption of chronological sequence (as in a film or literary work) by interjection of events of earlier occurrence; also : an instance of flashback
b : a past incident recurring vividly in the mind
The Mayo Clinic defines:
I have had nightmares pretty much my whole memory. It was recognized in my family when I was 2. Until I was 2 I slept in a crib in my parents bedroom. Some time around 2.5 I was moved into "my own room". Not long after that, in order to get sleep herself, I guess, my mom moved me back to the crib in her room. Even at that age, there are two specific nightmares that I remember having. I was back in my parents room till I was somewhere over 4.
Time line of other events in life. 1959, I was born. Life was normal, till one day my mother takes me in to the doctor for some of my baby shots, I believe the 6 month shots. The doctor looks at my sister who is 4 years older than I am. He tells my mom let him look at her too. She is diagnosed with Leukemia. Life changes. I turned 2 in October and on New Years Eve, we loose her. Do I remember her? Yes, I actually have memories that we have traced to about the time I was 9 months old for sure. There are others that are more nebulous and could be earlier or later.
1963 I have a birthday. November 22, my mother is in the kitchen cooking lunch while I am watching tv in the livingroom. I am watching a procession going through Dallas. Who knows what influences children some times, but for what ever reason I apparently adored JFK so I was watching. My mother didn't have any idea what was going on until I suddenly became hysterical screaming, "THEY SHOT HIM< THEY SHOT HIM!!!!! Short version here is that I was glued to the TV through every event that came after that.
Nightmares expand. We have no idea there even IS such a thing as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder back then.
In college, when a friend was taking a class on dream therapy, and I was her guinea pig due to several life long reoccurring dreams, we figured out that the men in dark suits with wires coming out of their heads and rifles and hand guns at my door when no one else was home, were secret service men. She got an A on that paper and those dreams pretty much went away, only to rear their ugly head once or twice in the last 30 years.
It was the family joke that I slept with all of my toys in my bed with me. You know that scene in ET where he is in the closet surrounded by stuffed toys so no one realizes that he is there? I was doing that way before ET. If everything was in my bed with me, no one could see ME. Well, the only toy NOT in my bed was my clown. His name was Guckenheimer. He laughed at me sometimes and it made me mad.
It was the family joke that I slept with all of my toys in my bed with me. You know that scene in ET where he is in the closet surrounded by stuffed toys so no one realizes that he is there? I was doing that way before ET. If everything was in my bed with me, no one could see ME. Well, the only toy NOT in my bed was my clown. His name was Guckenheimer. He laughed at me sometimes and it made me mad.
I always tell people that I am the person who doesn't have abandonment issues as I figured out that people leave you when I was 2 years old. This really is true, over all I had a very normal upbringing and things rocked along fine. However, I also learned at a very early age to not make friends with people who you know to start with are going to only be around a short time. That was pretty tough in a small military based town. So I learned pretty early to take care of myself and be happy in my own skin. I learned to be a "watcher".
If things in my formative years had been different, would I be different? In some ways probably, but I was also what was called PAINFULLY SHY. I hid behind my dads legs. My first grade teacher called my parents in, I kid you not, to ask them if they didn't allow me to talk or what? (Yeah I cover that part of me pretty well now) But honestly, I am still very uncomfortable in most group situations.
Many of my nightmares have always involved groups of people and being lost, or everyone else going somewhere but being unable to join them or groups of people being in attack mode. (No NOT zombies)
As I go back and read over this, I am sure it won't seem to be that big of a deal to most. I still am not sure of the connections between these events and my subconscious. But its there.
You would also think that by the time I was an adult I could just let things go, like practice what I preach to others. The thing is, in my sunshine world, I CAN let it all go mostly. Its what happens when the shields are down and I am asleep. And after a while when I am in what I refer to as a dream cycle, I get to be afraid to try to sleep and to let those shields down.
And I am in a cycle, so now I am off to read a book for a while before I try to catch a couple hours sleep. I will return as I have just scratched the surface of my emptying my brain. I just hope this helps.
If things in my formative years had been different, would I be different? In some ways probably, but I was also what was called PAINFULLY SHY. I hid behind my dads legs. My first grade teacher called my parents in, I kid you not, to ask them if they didn't allow me to talk or what? (Yeah I cover that part of me pretty well now) But honestly, I am still very uncomfortable in most group situations.
Many of my nightmares have always involved groups of people and being lost, or everyone else going somewhere but being unable to join them or groups of people being in attack mode. (No NOT zombies)
As I go back and read over this, I am sure it won't seem to be that big of a deal to most. I still am not sure of the connections between these events and my subconscious. But its there.
You would also think that by the time I was an adult I could just let things go, like practice what I preach to others. The thing is, in my sunshine world, I CAN let it all go mostly. Its what happens when the shields are down and I am asleep. And after a while when I am in what I refer to as a dream cycle, I get to be afraid to try to sleep and to let those shields down.
And I am in a cycle, so now I am off to read a book for a while before I try to catch a couple hours sleep. I will return as I have just scratched the surface of my emptying my brain. I just hope this helps.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
I Need a Pensive
Sometimes when big things happen, words back up in my head and seem to clog up. I can almost picture them standing around at the entrance to the slide where they come out. Its almost like the scene in one of the Marx Brothers movies, the one in the ship cabin that they cram 90 people in and then try to get them back out again all shoulder to shoulder trying to fight their way through a narrow door but unable to get by the one next to them.
Events of this week have caused that clog in my brain, again. So many thinks to think, so few that probably need to come out my mouth. But where for them to go? So, they just bump around inside there keeping me from peace.
The first thing in the last 2 days is that I have never been the person who believed in "letting nature take its course," Or "letting God plan my family" or "society owes me birth control" So I "controlled" my fertility and gave birth to four children. I was, also, third of four children born to my parents. I have always told people that I didn't believe in having only children unless there was no way around it as kids need other kids around them. I wont go into any more of my reasons for that belief here as it really doesn't matter to my story.
Fast forward a whole lot of years to just a few years ago. My dad is diagnosed with lung cancer. The short version of my story is that by this time, in my 50s, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I only have one sibling left, my older brother, who is not in a position, due to his own life choices, to be by my side as decisions are made as to Dads options and care. We go through a year of treatment, we have our ups and downs, things look bleak, things look good, things ARE bleak again. Then things go BLACK. This is it, sooner than we thought but who is ever ready to loose someone they love, respect, depend on to be that compass in life, who you KNOW you are not through learning from every single day. We have our little band around us, my mom (they were married for 57 years, by the way, and that is a fairy tale story I will tell sometime too.) my husband, my brother by telephone when he can call, and my nephew who is "holding the fort" for the last couple weeks. We get through it, we put one foot in front of the other and keep going, we move on, life becomes a new normal.
Ten months later, I lose my only remaining sibling. And now, I am an only child. My mom is almost 82. Life continues to change, in some very drastic ways. But it goes on.
This whole back story brings me to this week. Here we are, at a party for a new friends birthday, in a room filled with other new friends. Only our little circle, Jonathan, Abby, Malachi and I have any real history together. The phone rings, the jokes start about who it could be. Jonathan says "Its my mom" He answers. He jovially starts talking to his beloved mother. He stops and listens. Suddenly, we all realize that we are staring at him, watching his face suddenly draw in, his body still, his eyes cloud. My new friend turns her head and looks at me and asks, "Is this serious?" We all saw the change. "Yes, this is something serious." We all freeze in place until he hangs up.
"My dad had a heart attack and is on the way to the hospital." The flurry starts, everyone, it seems, is on a smart phone. Some looking for rental car places to see who is open on a Sunday afternoon, Some calling those places, some looking for airlines. Jonathan wants a rental car, the only place open is at the airport. Jonathan is calling his brother to see what he wants to do, he lives in Albuquerque. "Let me know what you decide, Bubba" Jody and I remain adamant that he should fly down there and either rent a car or get a ride there. There will be cars to use there. Guess what, it is about 3 in the afternoon, and there is a flight leaving just after 5. We are less than 10 miles from the airport. We get in the car and drive.
"Do you want to park and we will come in with you until we know what you are doing?"
"No, it is easier to just let me out here, I will text you when I know something".
It would have taken us 2 hours to drive home, some time to gather his stuff, and 2 hours back to the airport, so we let him out of the car at the entrance to El Paso International Airport with the clothes on his back. With the word we had at the time, standing in front of my vehicle, cars and people moving in seeming slow motion all around, (you know, that tunnel vision thing that they do with camera tricks on TV) He said, "I don't think I'm ever going to see my dad again" That half of my brain that talks to the other half with out any others knowing the words are rattling around in there looked over and said to the other half of my brain, "I've been there, I've done that, I have no words of comfort for you, I don't know what to do because I'm sending you there alone" That other "Me" inside my head curled up fetal.
Ok, so this is taking way more words than I thought it would take, but here we are to where I was going with all of this.
Children should not be "only children" because in my mind it is not good for them when they ARE children. BUT< that said, there will come the OTHER END of the spectrum as well. It is not fair, fun or easy to be the ONLY making decisions and seeing to the care and comfort of elderly parents.
I know that making decisions in groups is not always easy either but just knowing there is someone there, ya know? Someone with the whole history. It took me over night to remember that when Jonathan landed in San Antonio, he would have his sister there, over night we got plane tickets to get his brother there. It was hard for me not to be there by my husbands side where I belong, but knowing that honestly in this case I have no right, responsibility, or need to make decisions here, made things a little easier for me. I have to remind myself that this is not at all the same as it is in the case here back at home As his dad continues to recover, there are many more options for them because there are more of them. And the blessing here is that he IS on a road to recovery. Again, on the way to a new normal, but it will come. All of them surrounding each other can not hurt the situation at all!!!
And I will continue to 'hold the fort" here at home until we need to reevaluate.
I also just want to put out there for anyone who wants to read this far, one of the keys to all of this working, without mass hysteria, anger, and hard feelings is to talk about these issues over time. This is a whole other blog post that I think I will eventually get to but just know, if you spend years talking about options, ideas, what ifs, what does that PERSON WANT to have happen when they have little ability to make choices themselves, it is much easier to MAKE those decisions with a clear conscience. Its much easier to decide in a group when everyone may have their own opinions, but they know what the loved one wants to see happen in various scenarios. It doesn't mean that you wont make mistakes. I know that with my dad, I did some things right and I did a couple wrong. I am trying still to get past the decisions I made that were wrong, but it will be ok.
So if you find these types of discussions to be uncomfortable, morbid, or just icky, Do it ANYWAY.
If you haven't talked about these things with parents, siblings, to your own children, START TODAY!
Ok, maybe one thing out of my brain for more peace tonight.
Events of this week have caused that clog in my brain, again. So many thinks to think, so few that probably need to come out my mouth. But where for them to go? So, they just bump around inside there keeping me from peace.
The first thing in the last 2 days is that I have never been the person who believed in "letting nature take its course," Or "letting God plan my family" or "society owes me birth control" So I "controlled" my fertility and gave birth to four children. I was, also, third of four children born to my parents. I have always told people that I didn't believe in having only children unless there was no way around it as kids need other kids around them. I wont go into any more of my reasons for that belief here as it really doesn't matter to my story.
Fast forward a whole lot of years to just a few years ago. My dad is diagnosed with lung cancer. The short version of my story is that by this time, in my 50s, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I only have one sibling left, my older brother, who is not in a position, due to his own life choices, to be by my side as decisions are made as to Dads options and care. We go through a year of treatment, we have our ups and downs, things look bleak, things look good, things ARE bleak again. Then things go BLACK. This is it, sooner than we thought but who is ever ready to loose someone they love, respect, depend on to be that compass in life, who you KNOW you are not through learning from every single day. We have our little band around us, my mom (they were married for 57 years, by the way, and that is a fairy tale story I will tell sometime too.) my husband, my brother by telephone when he can call, and my nephew who is "holding the fort" for the last couple weeks. We get through it, we put one foot in front of the other and keep going, we move on, life becomes a new normal.
Ten months later, I lose my only remaining sibling. And now, I am an only child. My mom is almost 82. Life continues to change, in some very drastic ways. But it goes on.
This whole back story brings me to this week. Here we are, at a party for a new friends birthday, in a room filled with other new friends. Only our little circle, Jonathan, Abby, Malachi and I have any real history together. The phone rings, the jokes start about who it could be. Jonathan says "Its my mom" He answers. He jovially starts talking to his beloved mother. He stops and listens. Suddenly, we all realize that we are staring at him, watching his face suddenly draw in, his body still, his eyes cloud. My new friend turns her head and looks at me and asks, "Is this serious?" We all saw the change. "Yes, this is something serious." We all freeze in place until he hangs up.
"My dad had a heart attack and is on the way to the hospital." The flurry starts, everyone, it seems, is on a smart phone. Some looking for rental car places to see who is open on a Sunday afternoon, Some calling those places, some looking for airlines. Jonathan wants a rental car, the only place open is at the airport. Jonathan is calling his brother to see what he wants to do, he lives in Albuquerque. "Let me know what you decide, Bubba" Jody and I remain adamant that he should fly down there and either rent a car or get a ride there. There will be cars to use there. Guess what, it is about 3 in the afternoon, and there is a flight leaving just after 5. We are less than 10 miles from the airport. We get in the car and drive.
"Do you want to park and we will come in with you until we know what you are doing?"
"No, it is easier to just let me out here, I will text you when I know something".
It would have taken us 2 hours to drive home, some time to gather his stuff, and 2 hours back to the airport, so we let him out of the car at the entrance to El Paso International Airport with the clothes on his back. With the word we had at the time, standing in front of my vehicle, cars and people moving in seeming slow motion all around, (you know, that tunnel vision thing that they do with camera tricks on TV) He said, "I don't think I'm ever going to see my dad again" That half of my brain that talks to the other half with out any others knowing the words are rattling around in there looked over and said to the other half of my brain, "I've been there, I've done that, I have no words of comfort for you, I don't know what to do because I'm sending you there alone" That other "Me" inside my head curled up fetal.
Ok, so this is taking way more words than I thought it would take, but here we are to where I was going with all of this.
Children should not be "only children" because in my mind it is not good for them when they ARE children. BUT< that said, there will come the OTHER END of the spectrum as well. It is not fair, fun or easy to be the ONLY making decisions and seeing to the care and comfort of elderly parents.
I know that making decisions in groups is not always easy either but just knowing there is someone there, ya know? Someone with the whole history. It took me over night to remember that when Jonathan landed in San Antonio, he would have his sister there, over night we got plane tickets to get his brother there. It was hard for me not to be there by my husbands side where I belong, but knowing that honestly in this case I have no right, responsibility, or need to make decisions here, made things a little easier for me. I have to remind myself that this is not at all the same as it is in the case here back at home As his dad continues to recover, there are many more options for them because there are more of them. And the blessing here is that he IS on a road to recovery. Again, on the way to a new normal, but it will come. All of them surrounding each other can not hurt the situation at all!!!
And I will continue to 'hold the fort" here at home until we need to reevaluate.
I also just want to put out there for anyone who wants to read this far, one of the keys to all of this working, without mass hysteria, anger, and hard feelings is to talk about these issues over time. This is a whole other blog post that I think I will eventually get to but just know, if you spend years talking about options, ideas, what ifs, what does that PERSON WANT to have happen when they have little ability to make choices themselves, it is much easier to MAKE those decisions with a clear conscience. Its much easier to decide in a group when everyone may have their own opinions, but they know what the loved one wants to see happen in various scenarios. It doesn't mean that you wont make mistakes. I know that with my dad, I did some things right and I did a couple wrong. I am trying still to get past the decisions I made that were wrong, but it will be ok.
So if you find these types of discussions to be uncomfortable, morbid, or just icky, Do it ANYWAY.
If you haven't talked about these things with parents, siblings, to your own children, START TODAY!
Ok, maybe one thing out of my brain for more peace tonight.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Personal Mission Statement Part 1
I will have my personal mission statement completed by the end of the month. Who am I and what do I want to achieve. Ala Dave Ramsey's Mission Statement Worksheet.
Actually step one is probably the hardest part of all of this for me. So if anyone wanted to add things to this step with me, let me know.
Step 1: Your skills and abilities
List your skills and abilities in the space provided. Examples include: organization, teaching, planning, system development, musical talent.
Ok first of all I finally looked up system development to find out exactally what that was and yeah, I am NOT in any way good at that. But now I have a definition and picture of what I NEED to be good at on that one.
I am a crafty person, I listen pretty well, most of the time, I cook well, I am very concerned about the people around me and their well being.
I am very adaptable as far as fitting in to other peoples methods of doing things. I am good at helping other people achieve their dreams.
I read,
I USED to be good at teaching but I am not so sure I am any more.
Step 2 Your Personality Traits: list your personality traits in the space provided Examples include: creative, theoretical, studious, analytical, expressive, verbal, adventurous, dominant, cheerful, playful, solemn, outgoing, logical.
This one is probably the easiest for me
creative, verbal, solemn, loyal to a fault, reserved, rooted, studious, concerned but not necessarily compassionate. I see the best that other people CAN be. I get disappointed fairly easily though.
I harbor guilt when I shouldn't, I try to be logical and see to the other side of the box before I make a decision.
Step 3: Your values, dreams, and passions: List your values, dreams, and passions in the space provided.
values I know pretty well, I can sort of tell you what I feel passionate about anymore but dreams, That is the sticking point for me.
I am passionate about my family, about other people being passionate about THIER families, I am passionate about my faith. I am passionate about those I care about achieving their goals and doing all they are capable of doing.
Values? Honesty, openness, accountability, activeness is apparently a value, and I value being active and the people around me being active
alertness, yeah sure
This list I am looking at includes amazement and amusement Yeah amazement..... "Something AMAZING I guess.... yeah that fits.
amusement. You better be prepared for my strange sense of humor. I never know when it is going to jump out and grab someone.
BALANCE!!!! Oh My Gosh yes I guess I DO value that
Credibility Dependability Drive, Ethics Faith Family Fierceness Yeah I think that is something I value
Gratitude
Intelligence
Loyalty
Peace
Resilience
Punctuality
Trust
Teamwork
Now as for dreams. I can tell you the dreams I have for everyone else, but as for my own? Who even knows.
So, giving my writing a little more time to gel and sink in, if there are things anyone who knows me thinks about adding? let me know.
Step 4: My personal Mission Statement
Actually step one is probably the hardest part of all of this for me. So if anyone wanted to add things to this step with me, let me know.
Step 1: Your skills and abilities
List your skills and abilities in the space provided. Examples include: organization, teaching, planning, system development, musical talent.
Ok first of all I finally looked up system development to find out exactally what that was and yeah, I am NOT in any way good at that. But now I have a definition and picture of what I NEED to be good at on that one.
I am a crafty person, I listen pretty well, most of the time, I cook well, I am very concerned about the people around me and their well being.
I am very adaptable as far as fitting in to other peoples methods of doing things. I am good at helping other people achieve their dreams.
I read,
I USED to be good at teaching but I am not so sure I am any more.
Step 2 Your Personality Traits: list your personality traits in the space provided Examples include: creative, theoretical, studious, analytical, expressive, verbal, adventurous, dominant, cheerful, playful, solemn, outgoing, logical.
This one is probably the easiest for me
creative, verbal, solemn, loyal to a fault, reserved, rooted, studious, concerned but not necessarily compassionate. I see the best that other people CAN be. I get disappointed fairly easily though.
I harbor guilt when I shouldn't, I try to be logical and see to the other side of the box before I make a decision.
Step 3: Your values, dreams, and passions: List your values, dreams, and passions in the space provided.
values I know pretty well, I can sort of tell you what I feel passionate about anymore but dreams, That is the sticking point for me.
I am passionate about my family, about other people being passionate about THIER families, I am passionate about my faith. I am passionate about those I care about achieving their goals and doing all they are capable of doing.
Values? Honesty, openness, accountability, activeness is apparently a value, and I value being active and the people around me being active
alertness, yeah sure
This list I am looking at includes amazement and amusement Yeah amazement..... "Something AMAZING I guess.... yeah that fits.
amusement. You better be prepared for my strange sense of humor. I never know when it is going to jump out and grab someone.
BALANCE!!!! Oh My Gosh yes I guess I DO value that
Credibility Dependability Drive, Ethics Faith Family Fierceness Yeah I think that is something I value
Gratitude
Intelligence
Loyalty
Peace
Resilience
Punctuality
Trust
Teamwork
Now as for dreams. I can tell you the dreams I have for everyone else, but as for my own? Who even knows.
So, giving my writing a little more time to gel and sink in, if there are things anyone who knows me thinks about adding? let me know.
Step 4: My personal Mission Statement
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