Sometimes when big things happen, words back up in my head and seem to clog up. I can almost picture them standing around at the entrance to the slide where they come out. Its almost like the scene in one of the Marx Brothers movies, the one in the ship cabin that they cram 90 people in and then try to get them back out again all shoulder to shoulder trying to fight their way through a narrow door but unable to get by the one next to them.
Events of this week have caused that clog in my brain, again. So many thinks to think, so few that probably need to come out my mouth. But where for them to go? So, they just bump around inside there keeping me from peace.
The first thing in the last 2 days is that I have never been the person who believed in "letting nature take its course," Or "letting God plan my family" or "society owes me birth control" So I "controlled" my fertility and gave birth to four children. I was, also, third of four children born to my parents. I have always told people that I didn't believe in having only children unless there was no way around it as kids need other kids around them. I wont go into any more of my reasons for that belief here as it really doesn't matter to my story.
Fast forward a whole lot of years to just a few years ago. My dad is diagnosed with lung cancer. The short version of my story is that by this time, in my 50s, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I only have one sibling left, my older brother, who is not in a position, due to his own life choices, to be by my side as decisions are made as to Dads options and care. We go through a year of treatment, we have our ups and downs, things look bleak, things look good, things ARE bleak again. Then things go BLACK. This is it, sooner than we thought but who is ever ready to loose someone they love, respect, depend on to be that compass in life, who you KNOW you are not through learning from every single day. We have our little band around us, my mom (they were married for 57 years, by the way, and that is a fairy tale story I will tell sometime too.) my husband, my brother by telephone when he can call, and my nephew who is "holding the fort" for the last couple weeks. We get through it, we put one foot in front of the other and keep going, we move on, life becomes a new normal.
Ten months later, I lose my only remaining sibling. And now, I am an only child. My mom is almost 82. Life continues to change, in some very drastic ways. But it goes on.
This whole back story brings me to this week. Here we are, at a party for a new friends birthday, in a room filled with other new friends. Only our little circle, Jonathan, Abby, Malachi and I have any real history together. The phone rings, the jokes start about who it could be. Jonathan says "Its my mom" He answers. He jovially starts talking to his beloved mother. He stops and listens. Suddenly, we all realize that we are staring at him, watching his face suddenly draw in, his body still, his eyes cloud. My new friend turns her head and looks at me and asks, "Is this serious?" We all saw the change. "Yes, this is something serious." We all freeze in place until he hangs up.
"My dad had a heart attack and is on the way to the hospital." The flurry starts, everyone, it seems, is on a smart phone. Some looking for rental car places to see who is open on a Sunday afternoon, Some calling those places, some looking for airlines. Jonathan wants a rental car, the only place open is at the airport. Jonathan is calling his brother to see what he wants to do, he lives in Albuquerque. "Let me know what you decide, Bubba" Jody and I remain adamant that he should fly down there and either rent a car or get a ride there. There will be cars to use there. Guess what, it is about 3 in the afternoon, and there is a flight leaving just after 5. We are less than 10 miles from the airport. We get in the car and drive.
"Do you want to park and we will come in with you until we know what you are doing?"
"No, it is easier to just let me out here, I will text you when I know something".
It would have taken us 2 hours to drive home, some time to gather his stuff, and 2 hours back to the airport, so we let him out of the car at the entrance to El Paso International Airport with the clothes on his back. With the word we had at the time, standing in front of my vehicle, cars and people moving in seeming slow motion all around, (you know, that tunnel vision thing that they do with camera tricks on TV) He said, "I don't think I'm ever going to see my dad again" That half of my brain that talks to the other half with out any others knowing the words are rattling around in there looked over and said to the other half of my brain, "I've been there, I've done that, I have no words of comfort for you, I don't know what to do because I'm sending you there alone" That other "Me" inside my head curled up fetal.
Ok, so this is taking way more words than I thought it would take, but here we are to where I was going with all of this.
Children should not be "only children" because in my mind it is not good for them when they ARE children. BUT< that said, there will come the OTHER END of the spectrum as well. It is not fair, fun or easy to be the ONLY making decisions and seeing to the care and comfort of elderly parents.
I know that making decisions in groups is not always easy either but just knowing there is someone there, ya know? Someone with the whole history. It took me over night to remember that when Jonathan landed in San Antonio, he would have his sister there, over night we got plane tickets to get his brother there. It was hard for me not to be there by my husbands side where I belong, but knowing that honestly in this case I have no right, responsibility, or need to make decisions here, made things a little easier for me. I have to remind myself that this is not at all the same as it is in the case here back at home As his dad continues to recover, there are many more options for them because there are more of them. And the blessing here is that he IS on a road to recovery. Again, on the way to a new normal, but it will come. All of them surrounding each other can not hurt the situation at all!!!
And I will continue to 'hold the fort" here at home until we need to reevaluate.
I also just want to put out there for anyone who wants to read this far, one of the keys to all of this working, without mass hysteria, anger, and hard feelings is to talk about these issues over time. This is a whole other blog post that I think I will eventually get to but just know, if you spend years talking about options, ideas, what ifs, what does that PERSON WANT to have happen when they have little ability to make choices themselves, it is much easier to MAKE those decisions with a clear conscience. Its much easier to decide in a group when everyone may have their own opinions, but they know what the loved one wants to see happen in various scenarios. It doesn't mean that you wont make mistakes. I know that with my dad, I did some things right and I did a couple wrong. I am trying still to get past the decisions I made that were wrong, but it will be ok.
So if you find these types of discussions to be uncomfortable, morbid, or just icky, Do it ANYWAY.
If you haven't talked about these things with parents, siblings, to your own children, START TODAY!
Ok, maybe one thing out of my brain for more peace tonight.
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