Over Tired and Wierd Dreams

    I hate it when I get over tired from loosing too much sleep.  Yes, we will call it that for today. The truth is that I have struggled with "bad dreams" for my whole life.  The short version of the story is that I had a sister, who was 4 years older than me.  Shortly after I was born, when she was, of course, 4, she was diagnosed with leukemia.  She lived until New Years Eve, just a few months after I turned 2. 

    We lived in a 3 bedroom house and I was still sleeping in a crib in my parents room as my sister had "the middle bedroom" and my older brother was in the third bedroom.   Some point in time, it was decided that it was my turn to move in to that middle bedroom.  It only lasted a few nights as I began having strange dreams in that room. Back to my parents bedroom I went.  Things seemed to be somewhat better for me there, so I stayed.

     Then, shortly after I turned three years old, on November 22, at 11:30 am (we live in Mountain Standard time, before you ask ) I was avidly watching tv as my mother was in the kitchen making lunch for us.  Suddenly, I began screaming uncontrollably and my mother came running.  Yes, I saw what happened and even at 3 years old, I understood what had happened before the reporters could even comprehend it.  All my mother new was I was screaming, they killed him, they killed him over and over and she had no idea what I was talking about.  I was glued to the television all through the subsequent events.  From there, for years, I had a new round of reoccurring nightmares.  Always with the same elements in them.  I was at home alone for some reason.  A knock came at the "back door".  The one everyone who knew us used.  I went and answered it, and standing there were three men in black suits with rifles and hand guns.  I managed to slam the door and lock it but realizing that the "front door" was also unlocked I ran for my bedroom.  It was summer in my dream so the window in my bedroom was opened and I kicked out the screen.  I knew I could not get out of the house and hide so I climbed to the top of my closet and hid there (a favorite place of mine to hide as I could look between the sliding door and the frame and see everything in my bedroom but no one could see me)  I stayed there while the men searched the house and for some reason never looked in the closet but saw the curtains blowing out the window and assumed I had climbed out.  When they left to go to the back yard, I always woke up.    Same dream at least every few months with a few details that would change, but over all the same until I was in college.  

I have had various other reoccurring dreams over my life time and I seem to go through phases of dreams that are truly horrifying to people as I have told them about them over the years.  Now I just tell people that I do not watch horror movies because what goes on in my head cant be effectively put on celluloid.  When I am in, what I call a cycle, I even become almost afraid to try to sleep as I know it is coming and its just easier to stay awake. 

During other parts of my childhood,  we had to remove certain toys from my room as I could have sworn that said toys were sitting on the shelf "laughing at me".  I was very frustrating to my mother. 

During my first pregnancy, I remember dreaming over and over that you had to have a certain progression toward becoming a parent.  First a woman gave birth to a ball.  Then later on I dreamed that I gave birth to a Labrador Puppy as you had to see if you could keep something like that alive and well and healthy before you progressed to giving birth to a baby.  All of this took place over the 40 week gestation period, IF you passed each test well.  So, you can imagine that the approaching birth of my daughter was pretty tense inside my head. 

All of this is background to understanding that my head goes to some pretty strange places in my sleep with out my even trying.  Two mornings ago, I woke up in the morning knowing that I had agin been to someplace a little different.  As I awoke, my husband keyed in to my mood, I guess as he asked what was going on?  Some mornings it takes a little while to make sense of the jumble enough to get out of bed and function normally. 

This particular morning, I cant say the dream was good OR bad.  I couldn't really put my finger on that part of it.   I could still remember the words in my head, but not so much the circumstances.   The words that were still rolling around in there were:

"The Unicorn and the Pegasus are examples of the classic conflict between the fight or flight reaction. 
It is EASY to choose one over the other without thought.  When choosing wings, you can just leave with no thought to anything around you.  When choosing the weapon, the one can just charge through with no regard.   However, when you choose to take on BOTH, you must learn to maneuver effectively as you use all of  your weapons,from head to hoof, which brings with it the need to be aware of collateral damage around you."

I'm still trying to put the pictures together with the words.  Any thoughts?

College of hard knocks

Classes begin tonight for me.. self taught,
I have to begin treating my life as nothing but going to college again.  I just wish I had a dorm to live in with a cafeteria and maid service, but here goes anyway.

Class one is really beginning in the middle.  Books.. read books tons of books.  I am in the middle of Shark Tank Jump start your business so I will begin taking notes on chapter 9 as I read it.  Then I am going to have to go back through it again to actually DO the things that are assigned in it.  I have been out of the mandatory learning/test passing situation for 25 years.  This is hard.. but I have a friends blog post marked so that I can go back and read and re read and re read again her thoughts on how SHE can do hard things. I can too.  I have to be proud of me even if no one else is or knows what extent I am going to. 
So here I go.
1. Finish reading shark tank
2 Figure out how to write an employee manual and get it done in the next few days
3. Read/digest/implement the Safety Manual
4. Continue working on repair manuals for each piece of equipment, the homework from LAST week.
5. Digest the legal part of the business,
6. Get tax materials ready for 4 business and our personals
7  Keep the other 3 businesses running at what ever level they need to be
8. Feed my family at least 2 meals a day
9. Make sure we have clean clothes each day
10. Dishes, dishes, dishes,
11. Stop the leak
12. Can we at least walk through the house with out falling
13. Where does M. have to be and at what time?
14. And anything else the principal deems necessary

That is off the top of my head tonight.  I got a good night sleep last night inspite of the weird dreams so tonight.. begins the cram sessions and late nights combined with early mornings. 

Reality Check Passed On

A few days ago, another blogger posted her thoughts on an area of her life that she realized needs changed.  She simply called it Reality Check.   I read said blog post and did what I normally do, which is cruise right along with my own life.   Yesterday, however, I had some "down time"  where I couldn't do anything but think. I began mulling over the last few days and her blog post came back to my mind. 

I, suddenly, no. I really cant say suddenly, it kind of evolved over an hour or so in my mind, that I have a reality check that needs to be dealt with in my own life.  

That REALITY CHECK, is: when I am bored, I start drama for my own entertainment.  I cant honestly at this moment say if it is a life long habit or if it is something rather new, but that is neither here nor there.  I have become very good at saying I don't WANT drama in my own life, which really I don't.  But.. and here is the HUGE BUT....  Social Media make it really easy to involve ourselves with other people's drama and then deny our part in it.  "I didn't start it"(True)  "He/She shouldn't have put it out there if comment wasn't wanted"  (True)  "My view point is warranted" (maybe True, Maybe not so True)  "I was only being the voice of reason" (Maybe, maybe not)  Think of any other reason you can come up with for why you add your voice to a conversation. 

The absolutely TRUTH of the matter is, for me, whether I "get involved" or not is simply a matter of the day. It depends on how occupied my mind is with other matters.   The event in question, in my mind, took place on a day that I had nothing better going at that moment in time,  so why not.   Sure, I can make up any and every excuse I want and call it a good reason, but the reality of the situation is that I knew exactly what the reaction was going to be, I had consciously thought out my steps and the reactions from the others involved and I hit send, knowing what would happen from there.  It was almost as invigorating to me, I believe, as the feelings my husband gets from watching a challenging football game and I do it frequently, with any number of people.  I claim that I do this "to get the other person to think"  and what that really is part of my hope, it isn't my main driving force. 

But the REALITY of the situation is, it has to stop.     I have entirely too many things that NEED my attention to waste time watching for the next installment of Who's Head Will Explode First?

So, my Reality Check is:  From today forward, I am working my program (yes, it may have to be a new 12 step one)  to become a ReFORMED Instigator. 

I had a friend back in elementary school who made me a present for Christmas when we were in probably 6-7th grade, I forget.  She painted on cloth a copy of The Serenity Prayer.  It has hung in my bedroom where it could be one of the first things I saw every morning when I awoke ever since then.  It even went to college with me.   (I don't know if Kim will ever read this blog post, but if she does, yes, I still have that,  along with my belt loom that your dad built.  Two of the things that go everywhere with me. )

Today, it becomes the judgment call foremost in my brain, again.   And, I might add at the ending... and The Fortitude to Just Walk Away.  

Health and Fittness

I will eventually figure out how to tab different threads into different areas where I can filter ideas, but today is not the day.  If anyone reads this who can help me, it would be much appreciated as I am not very saavy.

Today, January 2, 2014 is the first day of my fitness plan.  
Because my knee is still messed up, I am starting slowly.   I have so far walked half a mile on the treadmill in 10 minutes at a maximum rate of 3.5 MPH.  I plan to walk for 10 minutes at least 2 times today and optimally 3 it will depends on how my knee holds up.

Marrige is 80/20????

Hummmm, I  just heard Neal Clark-Warren make a statement that Marriage is an 80/20 proposition. Each partner gives 80 percent and only takes 20 percent. I disagree. If all you HAVE to give in to a relationship is 80 percent, that leaves that other 20 percent to be given somewhere else. Doesn't matter if it is only 20 percent you have the option to give away to someone else... ANY room for compromise only wedges room for 21 percent.. then 22 percent..... and before you know it.... you are way over ====> there with no idea how you got there.
Marriage is 100 percent devotion to that person.... giving 100 percent of yourself to that person.