Grief is an interesting thing

     Grief is an interesting thing.  Thanks to research by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in the 1960s  we understand that while everyone does not grieve in exactly the same methods, we do all go through the same stages.  We also understand now that grieving over the loss of a person is not the only thing we grieve.  It can be the loss of a pet, a relationship, a thing, like the loss of a house if it burns.  You can grieve the loss of your feeling of safety, they say. 
     I have watched many people around me go through loss and have observed the way they have maneuvered through this forest.  Everyone seems to "do it" differently, even when you can observe familial patterns, cultural patterns, and individual patterns tied to personal experiences.  I pretty much know what my familial/cultural patterns are, so there aren't many surprises in this to me, however oddly no one else around me seems to be noticing.
     Some how, I have gotten through the loss of the people in my life that have left.  I say that part of that is because I started out learning that people leave you when I was 2 years old and my sister died.  I also have made it through most of the people I have lost because I know that I will get to see them again in the here after. 
     About 4 years ago we found out that my dad had lung cancer.  He and my mom went to Albuquerque for his treatment and thanks to the help of some friends they were able to stay up there for 3 months.  During that time, my nephew injured his back and was off work for 6 months.  That started about a month in to my dads treatment.  My mom and dad got home just in time for Thanksgiving then immediately after that my husband left for 3 months on a work detail.  In the middle of that time, my dad was told his treatment had worked well. My husband came back home to work, and my nephew got to come back to work.  Needless to say during this time, I spent a great deal of time alone, in more ways than one, which actually gave me the time to come to terms with a lot of things.  In July of that same year my dads checkup went south and we were told the cancer had come back with a vengeance and was now in his bones and because he decided against any further treatment he was given about 6 months.  He passed away in September.  Then the race began to try to keep everything together for everyone left.  
      I got through most of this time by talking to my brother on the phone.  He didn't live near by and was not able to get here to help me out but he could talk to me on the phone on almost a daily basis.  He could offer suggestions, remind me of times when we were together, tell me things he had been through, and generally listen to my frustration.  he wasn't there to hug me but I couldn't have gotten through that time with out him. 
     Then, the end of July, we got a phone call telling us to rush to Albuquerque to see him because the doctors did not expect him to live through the night.  He had developed an infection in his one good kidney and they couldn't get ahead of it.  We got to see him for a couple of hours before he passed. 
So,there I was again. 
     There was so much to do.  We were in the middle of fire season.  Life went on no matter how badly I missed him or how badly I needed someone to just talk to about all my weird stuff who just listened, never judged but did offer advice from time to time. I have to say he also had the capacity to not hold anything I might say against me or against the people I was frustrated with. 
     Life went from there in to a very difficult winter as well.  Things were beginning to get better.
    
     How ever, I have realized that I am currently going through the grief process due to another loss that is coming up.  The loss of something that has just always been there, through out my whole life.  Even knowing that it is time for this "thing" to die, doesn't make it better at the moment. 

So I started to examine where I am at today as I have really had a hard time not crying today.  After looking at the stages of grief today, I realize that I have made it through most of them.. and with this particular case it has pretty much taken me 2 years or so for various reasons.  I have also realized that sometimes other people tend to jump in to "help you out" in some of the various stages.  There are those who are more than willing to help you bargain, feel guilty, get angry with you... Which I believe leads to the depression part.  Its like the acceptance and hope part though, I'm not really sure those same people want you to feel. 

So, I am at the point of depression at the moment, at least for today.  Tomorrow, I have to get back to work, but today, just because of something stupid like my washer dumping water all over the floor and soaking my laundry room floor and everything in it was just the last straw for me.  I haven't been able to stop crying for longer than a few minutes at a time. 

     I know that for some people that know me, they will find this interesting because I don't have these emotions..

The seven emotional stages of grief are shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope.

http://www.caring.com/articles/stages-of-grief

How will I know when I'm done grieving?

Every person who experiences a death or other loss must complete a four-step grieving process:

• Accept the loss.
• Work through and feel the physical and emotional pain of grief.
• Adjust to living in a world without the person or item lost.
• Move on with life. The grieving process is over only when a person completes the four steps.

I am trying to figure out how to do step 3... adjust to a world with out this item in it. Even though, on the surface most people won't even know there is an issue.  I just need to give me some time. 
And everyone else needs to figure out that even *I* get depressed sometimes. 

How do you change who you are.....

when you don't know how.

Inside my head

So, today was just another day for me.  It was Monday, started out running a little late, as usual, and was worried that the appointment I had was going to be there waiting on me.  Got to work, my contractor drove up to give me the invoice on the project he was working on for me and explain what had been done to this point and when the rest would be done.  I was excited that this was getting on a roll finally. 

Answered the phone to find out the appointment I had was running later than I was so it gave me about 2 hours to get other things going.  Took care of a couple errands I needed someone else to run for me and got that person dispatched.  Got another employee dispatched to finish repacking a trailer that is part of our fire equipment.  Scrubbed a 100 foot hose.  Checked out how much progress my hubby was making on our mechanic shop area, which was a LOT of work!!!!!

Appointment showed up to do the training for us for our newest endeavor,  worked in a very hot room a our swamp cooler doesn't work very well and the temp was over 100 degrees outside.  Part of our training also had to take place outside in the sun.  Answered the phone to take orders for the trucking business.   First customer was late showing up to pick up his equipment so we had to wait till after the store actually closed and we should have been on the way home.  But we got through doing the paperwork all on our own with out our trainer to help us.  (which incidentally was something that made me very proud to get through since I panicked completely at the beginning and couldn't remember a THING we were supposed to do. 

In the middle of this I have answered any number of phone calls from my family asking questions of how to cook things for their dinners from Fort Worth to Las Cruces NM and here in town as well.

Then we went home.  Hubby decided to take me out to dinner to cool off and we left all the kids here to eat the dinner they had cooked.  Came back home and sat down to talk to the not kids... the young adults that we are working with to make the leap into true adulthood. 

Suddenly, almost in the middle of the conversation, I realize that what to me  everything that has gone on all day is just another day, just part of the job as it were. But it has become overwhelming to literally everyone else that had been in our circle and suddenly, here I am, sitting all alone.  They have all had to go somewhere else to regroup and I don't know, unwind?
I'm really not sure what it is about me and my world that makes others run and hide.   And if I could figure it out, Im not sure I could stop doing it.  I guess that's part of the reason I have pretty much always been "a loner".  Other people can only take so much. 

Time to Vote:

Our county fair is coming up sooner than I planned for.  I am going through the photographs that I have taken this year to see what I am going to enter this year.  I cant decide this year so I am going to put it out there for help.  Please take a look at the ones I am considering at this point and vote for what you think might be worth entering.  Thank you for your help. 

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The window to my world Monday June 11,2013

Thompson Ridge Fire,  outside Jemez Springs, NM

Garden up date:

Its a good thing I am not responsible for growing all the food my family eats because we would be very hungry, but I LOVE growing what I can.  I want to get better each year.  I want to add each year.  I posted pictures of the beginning of the season and here are pictures of the current status other than I have picked all of the radishes at the moment and replanted new. 

Yes, I live in the desert.  Just reminding you.