tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64027044512650573922024-02-06T22:31:14.321-08:00My Own Front DoorSometimes the window to the world is your own front door.
"That's Just About Right" Blackhawk Your front door looks both ways, It can show others the inside of your house while it is also the place you can stand to look out at the world as well.
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.comBlogger82125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-69239482202237165952019-01-10T08:13:00.002-08:002019-01-11T10:48:04.321-08:00If this is Mourning,... It SUCKSMourn·ing<br />
[ˈmôrniNG]<br />
NOUN<br />
1. the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died, typically involving following certain conventions such as wearing black clothes.<br />
<br />
This past year has been a real challenge in my world. This time last year I was running 3 businesses, caring for my mother who was becoming more and more ill with liver disease but the lung issues had been deemed to be stable and not a problem. That is a very long story in itself but that is a whole series from another place. The short version is that at the end of January she went in to the hospital to figure out what was going on. It was cancer that had not been there in November but was raging now. Just after midnight February 5 she passed from this world. At the same time,Jjonathan was working while making trips back and forth to San Antonio to help his sister out with their mom who was having some health issues as well. Between my mothers death and funeral, Winnie was diagnosed with pneumonia and hospitalized. Jonathan headed back there the day after the funeral to check on things and stayed for almost 3 months. She was diagnosed with cancer and went home on hospice. Many things happened during that time that were unimaginable. I can not even imagine the lasting trauma, and my heart hurts for him on a daily basis as I try to do what I can for his healing. <br />
While Jonathan was caring for his family to the best of his ability, I was caring for our businesses to the best of my ability. Or I thought I was. Or the best of my ability was extremely below par. In May, I thought that maybe things could start returning to normal, but all of our owner operators quit and went to work for the guy we got started, leaving Jonathan as our only driver. Ok no sweat, I believed people that this was just a set back due to a really hard spring and things would get better. We went to the truck show in July and took some classes that excited me and gave me such hope. Then I found out differently. We struggled along, I thought, trying to get back in the grove, hiring help to make things flow and get us to the point we should have been before we put more people on the year before. Every single thing I did to try to get things together turned out to be the wrong thing to do. Everything I did only seemed to make matters worse and worse. <br />
Trying to execute the will, get the inherited businesses legally running, Talking to the bank about expanding the other business. Keeping the day to day going. Move in to the house and get settled, while figuring out what to do with the other house, then there is the other property. So much to be done every day. So few hours in the day. <br />
And then, the end of October happened. My last driver quit. And no one understood my reaction to it. I should have been happy, I should have been excited, I should have seen the peace and tranquility. I didn't. There was none of that for me. For me, there was brain exploding, freaking out, panic, fears for my survival. There was letting employees go who were being devastated by the loss of their job, There was wondering where the money was going to come from to pay the bills that "the main, growing, rising star business" was paying. Time, I needed time to make this work. I know it will work but I need time to prepare. There was the feeling of responsibility for telling people things that gave them courage to make plans. I stand and accept the blame for all the devastation my vision caused those people, the vote of no confidence, the anger and lack of trust. For me, there was fear, sadness, hopelessness, loss and more fear in the place of happiness, excitement, peace and tranquility*-` Many of the people that had been looking to me for advice kept saying, " but I thought you were going to …………." My only answer as yeah, none of that was real, I guess. I was a complete fake." Other people kept wondering what my problem was, everything was going to be fine, but all I could think was.. Are you kidding me, NOTHING is ever going to be fine again. I have no idea how to even think anything is going to be fine again. I mean I know things are going to BE… so can we just stop the sentence with don’t worry, things are going to be. Lets just leave off the fine part. Then as time progressed the answer seems to be, it needs more time. Its not time yet, things will be fine until its time... TIME FOR WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Where are things going? What will be the next thing? WHEN will be the next thing???? Today< can it be TODAY? No, then when. Who knows when, things may never come to pass. Or they may, or something else may just wait and see. Wait, no wait do this!! No wait… I didn’t mean NOW….
As time has gone by, it feels more and more that what I did was not enough, was not the right thing, was not possible to ever be. My vision was completely incompatible with reality at all. And then, it became very possible that my mistakes had affected pretty much everyone around me. It seems as time goes by what ever this is that is happening around me is virally spreading and affecting everyone around me in very negative ways. It seems as if life is imploding a little more each day. Things for so many people around me sucks...and I cant seem to stop or even slow down "the suck". Nightmares of unbelievable magnitude even for me, a feeling of hoplessness that I have never had before. Things that obviously I cannot explain because I don't understand any of it myself.
And then I came upon an article on the internet. (this is actually a wonderful article and you should take time to read it)
https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/journey-grief-six-needs-mourning/
I mean I have known for many years the 5 stages of grief. I have seen them happen, I have dealt with things myself in my own head... but nothing I was feeling seemed to fit, until now.
Lets start at the beginning.
Need 1: Acknowledging the reality of the death
This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again.
Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.
Ok so let me start by saying that the realization I have come to is not about what others think it is. This is not about loosing my mother, or my mother in law. I began getting ready to lose my mother, probably the day my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2010, but most especially in July of 2017 when she was diagnosed with liver disease. I did enough research to know that most people with what she had live on average 2 years with the diagnosis so honestly I was prepared. My mother in law had been an extremely heavy smoker most of her life so lung cancer was not a surprise diagnosis for her either. I had already had the plan in the back of my head that knowing my own mother was on short time, the next step in the world as I saw it was to build our business up during that time and start preparing to start a second division of the company somewhere around the San Antonio area while this one would become able to run from a distance with some trips this way to check on things. We would live there for the intervening years as long as my in laws needed us close by and then we could build a third division either around the Metroplex area or Baton Rouge, or even both. So while yes, we sustained death 2 months apart, this was not the death that hurt. July began the fear of death for me. The uncontrollable illness of “a child” I tried valiantly to push it away, to avoid it coming, to ignore it and it would go away and the plan would return. We were just tired and sad, it wouldn’t last. Yeah, I was wrong and it has taken talking about it to make it real and acceptable… but the people I had to talk to didn’t see it as a death so they didn’t understand my reaction. It was about losing 2 mothers, the business was just a stupid thing that could stay or go, it wasn’t real anyway.
Need 2: Embracing the pain of the loss
This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss—something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.
You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.
Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.” If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.
So this is the stage I guess I have never been good at. My philosophy has generally been ignore it till it goes away. After reading this I find that the real thing I am grieving for I have honestly NOT been able to distract myself from because I am still dealing with the business on a daily baisis.. I still get phone calls periodically from account reps asking If we have room to fill a load in for them. I don’t think it is my place to tell them that we aren’t in this business anymore. So I just keep getting blind sided. I have all the paperwork to still do for the legal end of the business that is quarterly and monthly and yearly until we close it out. Then there is creating a safe space to move toward the pain. Well since I am the only one mourning this thing and the understanding of what and why I am mourning is absent it makes it really hard to create a safe space, so the safe space is in my head in the night time. It is something that seems to have to be addressed every day at the end of the day or sometime during the night and it is pretty exhausting if I do say so. Then there is the challenge of getting out of bed in the morning to face the going to a building every day to….. well really nothing… to the finishing up that has to be done of nothing. Its an empty space….. waiting to be filled, but with what, and why, and is any of THAT going to be real or just another part of my imagination?
Need 3: Remembering the person who died
Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.
But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.
Im the one who wants it all to go away. I don’t want to see memories of the past 5 years. I don’t want to to continue any kind of relationship with this past at all. I want to wipe it all away. It has been pointed out how many people have been hurt by my dream so why would I want to have any momentos or memories from it? And why would I want to ever have another dream? Remembering makes me want to vomit.
Need 4: Developing a new self-identity
Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.
You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent.” The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.
A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage; someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained.
You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear.
Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.
Developing a new self identity. <i>Or maybe it was developing a self identity to start with.</i>. . <br />
The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. <i>Without a doubt. I now question every single word I say, every single move I make, every single idea I have. As we could say here, I now question every single aspect of who or what I am. And I cant figure out if other people don't question all those things about me and if they don't, why DONT they? They should. </i> <br />
You may feel feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear. <i>With nearly every breath I take. Add to it uselessness and inability to add anything of value to the world. <br />
</i>Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. <i>Im waiting and praying for this to be true for me. Right now, my self identity is more negative than it has ever been in my life and I have had some pretty down times. <br />
</i><br />
This is all I can say. Maybe at sometime it will get better. Which brings us to step 5<br />
<br />
Need 5: Searching for meaning<br />
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask “How?” and “Why” questions.<br />
“How could God let this happen?” “Why did this happen now, in this way?” The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless.<br />
The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty.<br />
This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.<br />
<br />
Lack of control of anything.. powerlessness over everything and anything. My heart and soul. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Need 6: Receiving ongoing support from others<br />
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot—nor should you try to—do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.<br />
Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to “carry on,” “keep your chin up” and “keep busy,” many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. “It’s over and done with” and “It’s time to get on with your life” are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.<br />
To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed—even encouraged—to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.<br />
<br />
There are a lot of “they MUST’s used in this paragraph. I don’t thing anyone MUST do any of these things because I think that the LAST think I want is placating, or pretense or because they have to. If you don’t get it. Great. You don’t have to. It was just a business, businesses come and go, so what. Businesses aren't real things, they are just words on a piece of paper. <br />
<br />
<br />
So if this is mourning, it sucks. If this is mourning it isn’t for a person or for people because I have always known that people die and you just need to do what you can do for humanity every day and give it your all. And most people would understand and totally support me in mourning for any of the PEOPLE I have lost. Im weird, I don’t really mourn people, that isn’t in my control. <br />
So what am I mourning? A business, an inanimate object that isn’t even real in any way but legally. It didn’t have skin, it didn’t breathe, it couldn’t feel emotion. A bunch of paperwork and expenses. It wasn’t even one of my dogs… It was nothing. <br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-15075944954672133652018-09-02T17:55:00.002-07:002018-09-02T20:59:18.850-07:00The 7 Experiment Wrap Up <b></b><br />
<div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXGanbiXPfQ-DdoaSXse20LXv3cjHkGUvGda0Ilz3ROP7fxSaT42GAXOrN1iuFLlVBFFI8iOoAQMWYdEUYkcQorJ6LzG2hWB03rPmZ7mrCVJsVXI5xNQts4RMsGCtrjmuSWaok_PEPpOWw/s1600/IMG_0824.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXGanbiXPfQ-DdoaSXse20LXv3cjHkGUvGda0Ilz3ROP7fxSaT42GAXOrN1iuFLlVBFFI8iOoAQMWYdEUYkcQorJ6LzG2hWB03rPmZ7mrCVJsVXI5xNQts4RMsGCtrjmuSWaok_PEPpOWw/s320/IMG_0824.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
A question was posed to our group as we begin wrapping up our 7 Experiment. Well, actually it was a couple of questions that should have been easy. Basically, she was asking what is each of our "take aways" from the project. What did we learn, what did we struggle with, what do we plan to continue and what happens from here? </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The answers, as usual for me, aren't that simple. So very much has happened to change the course of my life in the last 8 months that I was not even truly sure where I started from. So, I decided to go all the way back through the group and see what I shared through each step. I know that I pretty much went AWOL during several months of the experiment because my mother unexpectedly decided to leave this world, and then hot on her heals my mother in law decided to take a little longer in the process but to begin her own journey into what happens next. This dumped HUGE amounts of stress and disorientation upon my little brow and something had to give. I really didn't STOP my participation in the experiment, I just stopped sharing as much. The only way I could honestly cope during that season was to just crawl into my shell and hide. I have never been good at letting anyone else into my feelings, or heck for that matter, I have just never been good at FEELING. How I came to the belief that my feelings are an inconvenience, over blown, and simply just not necessary is the subject of a whole other blog post, but there they are. <br />
<br />
So the way this has ended up being written is kind of two phase. <span style="color: blue;"> BLUE</span> words are how each month actually went according to my journal and my blog and face book posts.<br />
The <span style="background-color: white; color: orange;">ORANGE</span> words at the bottom are what I am actually taking from the project as I look through it all today. What my thoughts and plans for the future are. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: blue;">Anyway, as I go back through each months postings I find myself starting out in January with high hopes for getting this family feeding thing under control, getting us all healthy and organized and on the road to not living excessively food wise. Just reading what I wrote somehow makes me want to gag in some weird way. The part at the end of that blog where I was talking about my own thought life. About for some reason feeling superior to those who were not participating in this program, as if I were doing something so grand and noble for the world by planning a menu and using the food I had in the house rather than letting it go bad and throwing it away. WOW, so maybe one of the "take aways" is going to turn out to be "Get Over Yourself, Girlfriend". </span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: blue;">My last post for the month of January I was kind of whining over trying to feed to difficult to feed people. I was not feeling well at that moment myself as I had been down with some kind of stomach virus. I made the comment that I had one more week of January to go and who knew what that week was going to hold and I might be able to turn it around yet. Little did I know that in that last week, my mother would be admitted to the hospital, massive blood clot would be found which would lead to a diagnosis of "its cancer... just all cancer in there" The doctor estimated that we could get some good nutrition in her and get her set up at home for a good couple of months, but that didn't happen, 4 days later before we could get her stable enough to bring home, she passed away. So now I knew why she was having such a hard time eating. Cancer, a lot of it and massive pain she refused to admit to right up to her final breath. Food, great way to start this project. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: blue;">February 2 I posted that life had taken a sharp right turn and I was backing out. Mom passed on February 5</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: blue;">I didn't post anything in February on clothing but I can go back and tell you now that we had moved in to care for my mom in September, somewhere around a year ago. We pretty much took the clothes we were wearing and Malachi had brought us each a few more. I counted at one point and wrote down in my journal that in February I had to choose from 3 pair of jeans, 5 pair of socks, two pair of shoes, and approximately 10 shirts. Two dress or blouse/skirt combinations and one bra completed the package. After I had lived from September to February with that combination. ( oh and two sets of pajama like clothes) I was pretty sure that clothing was not an issue for me. I didn't even really have an idea of what clothing I had left behind at our house. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">March: Possessions:</span><span style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> Just wow. So many of them. I did spend the month clearing out enough things to actually MOVE in to this house but still most of my belongings are not here. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: blue;"></span><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">April: Pause</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: blue;"></span><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">May=Media Month</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Media is really not a hard topic for me. I look back at my blog and my Facebook posts and it seems that Jonathan and I took Mothers Day Sunday off and just RESTED. I'm pretty sure that day involved watching a movie or something.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: blue;"></span><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">June Waste</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">Total Fail. Not even going to discuss it. Too much emotion... just too much. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: blue;"></span><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">July: Spending We doubled down on financial principals and control of our spending. This is not easy folks and less easy when more than one though process is involved. We found that if everyone in your household is not on board and on the same page and any other cliché you want to use, things get a bit muddy in the peace and tranquility of the home. For me, its going to take another year to two years to dig us out to the point of financial freedom but we are truly developing a plan to get there finally. It really is good to be walking arm and arm on this one. We have come a really long way, have a ways to go but are really getting there!!!</span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: blue;"></span><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: blue; display: inline; float: none; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">August: Stress. The 7 prayer pauses and observing the Sabbath. So much information in there. So much research I did. So many scriptures I am trying to memorize. Still not doing very well at that but of all, this one is the most important and the one to keep working on the hardest. I have learned several things from out in the secular world about the importance to our digestion to take a moment and pray over a meal.. INCREDIBLE... How would God know that taking just a moment or two to stop and pray resets your brain from the business of the day to the process of properly digesting our food.... and how would the secular world know it when we don't ….. go figure. So much of this is going to continue. Sabbath, Yeah, that is a hard one for our culture to observe but a friend taught me that God really DEMANDS it from us, its not just a good idea. More research there as well. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: orange;">End results: </span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;">Food</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;">I can also say that I still struggle with the menu planning aspect of all of this but its mostly because I now spend most of my month alone. Jonathan is generally out on the road 15-25 days of the month so meal prep for me tends to be cook something.. eat it for 4 meals, cook something else. Some times I cook two things and rotate those things for 8 days. Lunch is generally a handful or two of fresh veggies and some hummus, a hand full of nuts and a bottle of water. Some days I eat breakfast, some I don't, boiled eggs or cheese tortilla. When Jonathan is in town we either eat out or I go shop by the day again as I'm never really sure how many days at a time he is going to decide to stay in.</span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;">Clothing:</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;">I have bought a few things since February to upgrade my wardrobe because I am doing more meeting with people in our business setting that I feel the need to look a little more professional from time to time and as I went through my mothers clothes I found several outfits that I liked but had honestly never seen HER wear so I kept them. I haven't counted but I am still pretty sure that I have fewer than 100 items hanging in my closet and most of them can work together. I do have several more pair of shoes too but less than 10, for various weather and styles of dress. My goal is still to lose about 40 pounds and that will alter my wardrobe a lot. </span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;">Posessions: From March to now, with things that I have read in Jen Hatmaker's books and seen around me more closely I find that this is where The Evil One has tried to make the most inroads on my peace of mind. Right at the moment, I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF. WAY, WAY more than I need to be sure BUT..... extenuating circumstances, already. While some have gone to great lengths to make me feel guilty about what I have, God has also gone to great lengths to assure me that I have nothing to feel guilty for, so I am no longer in that mental state. There will be a point when I will be back down to the amount of things that my family and I NEED to function in life but in the mean time, it is going to be a very slow and somewhat steady process to get there. I purchased very few of the things I am now the proud owner of so I don't need to feel guilty there. My first obligation is to figure out if there are items in my possession that a member of my family needs or wants, then after that I will figure out what to do with the rest. Sorry, this is becoming a bit of a rant and I will stop here. </span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;">April: Pause</span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;">Because Elizabeth and I were both having a bit of a hard time coping with all that was going on in our lives and I was having to be out of town so much in March and April the decision was made to pause for the month of April and now I kind of regret that decision as the pause seems to have some what derailed us all from that point forward. I appreciate the break but if it were to happen again I wouldn't choose taking the break but pushing on as part of the Sacrifice of my Fast to God...</span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<span style="color: orange;">Media May: The first time I went through 7 I broke a lot of media habits and have continued in that vein. Somewhere in here this summer we figured out what "saving by bundling: was actually costing to have satellite TV in two rooms, two land line telephones that no one ever called on and the interweb. So we canceled everything and moved to a different Internet provider. We now have a fire stick or what ever that is, I still fail to know how to use most of what it covers. I watch a very few things on Netflix. I watch mostly old movies and television show channels of the antenna and if it is even ON its turned on to music, (mostly smooth jazz) I do read books checked out from the public library on my Ipad but pretty much that is all the Ipad does. I have not attached any of my social media to it. I'm on my lap top for mostly work related items or blog posts or pod casts but rarely much more than that. My phone is a phone that I can use to look up information on when I need it. I have clocked it and when I am home alone I spend less than 10 hours a week with the screen on. I'm OK with that. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<span style="color: orange;">June: Waste Takeaways</span><br />
<span style="color: orange;">Its hard to deal with throwing things away being a sin when you are so overwhelmed with stuff that no one wants, needs or should be burdened with. Possessions VS Waste... uuggh EMOTION, just WAY TO MUCH EMOTION!!!!!! Later I will tackle that one. And still throwing too much food away... Got to continue to work on that one or buy some chickens.</span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br /></div>
<div>
<span style="color: orange;">July, Spending: For This month I pause and Pray. God, give me the words of Grace to say and show your love here as we have all "been there" in some form or another. </span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"> I have observed those around me and my own situation much more closely this trip through training for the race God TRULY wants us running. I see THIS ONE to be maybe the most dangerous month to date. Each of the previous months has been placed there to teach us to live with out the things that get in the way of our focus on God, to eliminate the things that take up our time and resources and OUR MIND that we SHOULD be spending walking with God, spending time in the one place we will get to know Him and his wishes for us the best, His Word. It is a very hard month to play out if everyone in your house is not "on the same page". It is the month that it is easiest to just say " Did God REALLY Say?" and move right along the way we see is right in our own eyes. </span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"> The other 5 are much easier to tailor to your personal circumstances. (You may drive a beemer and I may ride a bike. Neither is right or wrong particularly) (I may have 25 pair of shoes, you may have 3, it may depend on each of our job choices and after work activities to dictate how many each of us needs rather than how much money we have) But finances is just a bit different. Money is what buys everything we addressed in the first 5 months, so if we are eliminating those items in our worlds and being more conscious of how we spend our money and who that spending is affecting, then it should go with out saying that God has some ideas on how we should accumulate and spend that money. And really the only way to know what that is, is to dive deeply into His Word. I know that sometimes it is hard see that part in the Bible that talks about not being able to serve two masters. What does that REALLY mean, anyway? </span><br />
<span style="color: orange;">I have also seen through our spending month and beyond that this topic has caused more arguments among the group, among families, among couples, among friends than anything in any other month. Did God REALLY SAY? Sure, but its ok for me to...…... we all do it. </span><br />
<span style="color: orange;">There are more things said in the Bible about money and money related items than pretty much anything else, so it MUST be an important topic to God. </span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<span style="color: orange;">And last but not least, my take away from the Stress month. What I have come to see, and I don't know if this was Jen Hatmaker's plan or her wise editor, or The Counsel or strictly Gods, but this time through the project I see that months 1-5 are all about US.....How do I want do deal with MY food, My clothes, MY possessions, MY media outlets (and really this is also about recreational time in general), the things I waste. Then we do a little switch to, because of all this STUFF that is in MY world, I have to decide something, am I going to serve God? or Money.....how is God calling Me still to use MY money. See the little shift in perception there? Maybe its not all about ME??? But, Man, its kinda hard to get out of the its about Me and My world and My stuff mind set, isn't it? </span><br />
<span style="color: orange;"></span><br />
<span style="color: orange;">So, that brings us to the biggest switch of all! Now that our stuff is out of the way, and we have figured out that we want to Honor GOD in all that we have and all we do and we want to rule our money and not let it rule us so that we can honor God, we can now get down to the nitty gritty of this whole thing. How are we going to Worship our Lord? Are we going to continue to do what we have always done up to this point? Are we going to just replace all that stuff we eliminated in the months before with more, or to just substitute something else about US in those bits of time and space we have created? Or are going to take the focus off of ourselves put it on HIM? How does HE want us to spend the time he has given us? Maybe now if we each ask what we should do from here, I think the answer would be pretty clear. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #001320; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: justify; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: orange;">And he answered,</span><span style="color: lime;"> </span><span style="color: red;">“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself". </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #001320; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: justify; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #005500; font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And now, we are free to do that much more readily, aren't we?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="color: #005500;"></span><br />
THIS is the time to dive in to the Living Water and start swimming!<br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="color: red;"></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-78114439337423414342018-05-31T19:10:00.001-07:002018-05-31T19:10:19.534-07:00Who is Church For? Sinners?
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The other day when you asked me why we stayed at the church
after people were so unsupportive of Malachi and I said I needed to think about
it before I answered.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>My first answer
was a pop-off answer and I knew it.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was tired of changing churches and searching for
a place to truly belong and fit in.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>But
there were even more reasons.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Malachi was old enough to make his own choice
and as much as I wanted, he obviously did not fit in there- this isn’t the
worship style and never has been that he likes best</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Things went off the rails much before that when Sam
was basically run out of the church, and I stayed then, too.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have never truly “fit in” to a church I have
attended since……..no, not ever.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I have
always been a fringe wierdo and have never really had close friends in
church-because me and mine are just to strange to do things outside of church
with and that’s honestly where you build relationships-<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>not actually in services.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5)</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt "Times New Roman"; margin: 0px;">
</span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I stayed because it seems now, maybe I’m
supposed to try to protect others who don’t fit in what will come along… </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px 48px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have been asked to leave three church settings over my
life.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The first was when I was 17 and<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I told my Sunday school class that I (and my
family) have Some kind of telepathic communication thing that is NOT evil as
the teacher was saying, because it has never happened in any situation that was
not for good.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I was called evil and
asked to ot come back because I was scaring people.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I left and didn’t go back to church for about
14 or so years. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">I ended up in a marriage that I was pretty
much forbidden from attending church, any time and any place.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I could easily have gone but it would have
created a fight and I saw no need to fight.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>I just figured that he could forbid my corporate worship experience but
he couldn’t control what I read when I wasn’t around him and he most certainly
couldn’t stop me from praying.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>So when
our marriage fell apart, I went BACK to that church as one of my friends down
the hall at school went there.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>The
pastor of the church then was contacted by that friend and so he came to visit
me.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>He sat in my home and told me that
he honestly had no idea how to help me through a divorce, he thought I just
needed to go back and try harder.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I
said, “we are sitting here in my living room, with my two children nearby, and
I’m not sure what you are telling me to go back to… I DIDN’T LEAVE>>> ‘Im
right here.. HE LEFT not ME.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I did not
cheat, I did not desert my children, I did not leave my spouse.. How do I go
back?<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>He stared at me for a few minutes
and said I don’t have any idea what to say or how to help you, and he
left.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>After Jonathan and I got married
he wanted to go to church but for obvious reasons afore mentioned I think he
was not comfortable at that churchso we changed churches.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">When Sam was a toddler, I was teaching the
2-3 year old class in Sunday School at our new church because I had been asked
to teach it along with <span style="margin: 0px;"><a href="http://holmes-happiness.blogspot.com/2018/03/its-ok-i-got-this.html"><span style="color: #0563c1;">another</span></a></span>
friend who had a son that was 10 days older than Sam.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>One day, after we had moved to Cloudcroft I
had a visit from the deacons telling me that they felt they needed to find
another teacher for that class because I was failing to teach my children to
sit quietly in church and their parents were frustrated and the people who had
to sit around them wiggling around were frustrated.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>They would find someone else who could do a
better job than I was doing.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>That’s when
we changed churches to Cloudcroft after all that’s where we lived.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We were part of the inner circle at the
church we attended in Cloudcroft for years.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>We were committee members, teachers, neck deep in moving and shaking-I can’t
tell you how much sleep I made Jonathan miss when he was on rotating shifts for
us to be “part of Gods work” That was horrible of me in retrospect because it
was mostly to fit in.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Even with all the
effort I put in to at least “LOOK NORMAL”, my 4 year old son was shaken by the
pastor and taken in front of the congregation to be told what an awful child he
was and NO<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>BOY would mistreat a girl in
“HIS CHURCH” (Sam accidentally stepped on a girls hand when she moved her hand ,
she was sitting on the floor and he had been called to the front of the children’s
sermon area by the pastor)<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I was too
shocked and humiliated at that moment to even move from where I was sitting
until after church was over.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I just sat
there and hugged him when he came back.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>That was one of the last times Max went to church as well.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>The pastor and I decided to “work things out
between us” Which we did.. the solution was that Sam was not allowed to come
forward unless either I or one of the older kids was with him to hold him on
their lap.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I WAS however, asked later on
to teach a 1-3<sup>rd</sup> grade Sunday school class because two of the girls
in that class had parents who were divorcing and they kept wanting to talk
about it in class and the teacher and other parents were upset by that so
SURELY I knew (being divorced myself) how to get them to stop talking about
their feelings and stresses.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I didn’t
make them stop, I just gave them a safe place to do it.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Then a couple of years later, when we had
no deacons serving in our church any more and we movers and shakers were
concerned about the preacher needing some help, so some of us went to the
preacher to see how to solve this problem because we had a number of good solid
men ready to step up.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>He waited until
all the concerned husbands were out of town on various business trips at one
time and gave all the wives literature basically explaining how all of us had
committed the unforgivable sin of divorce and remarriage and we were all going
to hell so that’s why we couldn’t have deacons.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>We only had one man other than the pastor who was “qualified” to
serve.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I don’t think I stopped crying
for 2 solid weeks until Jonathan returned.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Don’t even ask what happened when one of my
daughters went to the hospital by ambulance and was diagnosed as Bi-Polar.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>That too was an interesting visit by the
deacon and his wife.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>So, eventually, we
moved to Alamogordo and drove up the mountain as much as possible to go to Our Church
and went to either First Assembly from time to time to support my recovering
niece who was trying hard to stay clean, or Grace Methodist where Malachi liked
the Pomp of the early service.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Until I
got the letter in the mail telling me that Jonathan and I had (not the girls,
only Jonathan and I) were being taken off the rolls as members because it had
come to the attention of the church that we were attending a church of a
different faith (GRACE NOT FIRST ASSEMBLY was the problem!!!!!)<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I later found out these letters went out to 4
other couples who all eventually landed at Christ Community and wanted to
invite us.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>That was just before we
landed at New Beginnings officially.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We ended up at New Beginnings with two boys
who were extremely excited to serve God.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Sam is a rough-cut diamond who needed to see strength and compassion
through the manly arts and with other men inside the church setting.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It can be manly and God centered at the same
time.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Two things happened.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Tom Rich went to Sam and talked to me
AFTERWARD and told Sam he was not to be seen in the nursery again because it
was not appropriate for men and boys to be in the nursery and honestly there
was no place for a boy of his age to serve unless his dad was with him.---- and
then Fred Died----- We lost Sam, and I couldn’t blame him-that was his last
straw but hey, he and one of those two little girls from Cloudcroft are
together now, go figure.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Most of the rest of the New Beginnings
stuff you know.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>And I don’t think I have
ever told anyone but Tom was supposed to be at the cemetery the day we were
going to take my dads ashes to the cemetery.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Nothing big just part of the immediate family since we had already done
his memorial service.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>He never showed,
no answer on the phone.. that was when everything was unraveling for him and
apparently, I now know.. he was drunk in Ruidoso and forgot. We took care of it
all ourselves. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So, instead of why did we stay after things
went south with Malachi?<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I think maybe
the real question is why do we go to church AT ALL?????</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 0px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">After a lot of thought and sole searching
the only answer I have found is that I understand how churches and church
people work—and I have learned not to put my faith in either.</span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin: 0px 0px 10.66px 48px;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">There really isn’t a lot of LOVE there at
all.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Not agape love anyway.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>But the Triune God loves me and I love God so
I do what I can to over come the lack of love from humanity and corporate
programs.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>I try to learn all I can in
the setting of what scripture says and I try to look and act as much “normal”
as I can so that in some way I can be a bridge between “the Haves” and “the
Have Nots”<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>and be a model of <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>what Jesus REALLY meant about ministering to
real people, with real problem starting where they are at.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-68951917617173031262018-05-13T21:49:00.001-07:002018-05-13T21:49:28.904-07:00Sunday, May 13, 2018 Another DayWell, today is Mothers Day. I took this weekend and pretty much went in to hiding but not for the reasons most people will think. I just don't know how to handle everyone else.<br />
<br />
Thanks to a passing conversation with some friends, I decided that this was the weekend I just needed to hide and call it hibernating. So that's what we did. Things have just been so fast and furious since the end of January but honestly this has all been ramping up since sometime in August and we were both pretty much at the point of breaking. <br />
In this conversation, my friend reminded me that the thing is that no matter what else has gone on, We have each other. That is the bottom line. It was time to take a break and rest and look each other in the eye for a few minutes.<br />
<br />
When my alarm went off this morning, I just didn't get up. I knew that Jonathan had been up and down all night again as usual, sleep is not his friend. I knew that he was up and had been for hours out in the den, but I just couldn't do it. I went back to bed, turned my radio ap on and put the pillow back over my head. I didn't get up until about 10 am. That is the longest I have slept since sometime in August probably, but I KNOW the longest I have slept at one stretch since we moved in here in September. The interesting part is that Jonathan normally has few dreams or at least few that he remembers long enough to discuss. I have a long history of horrible, horrible nightmares that I don't talk about because they freak people out completely and suggest I get help. We have changed places some how in all of this. Jonathan is unable to sleep much because of the nightmares and I don't think I have actually been asleep deeply enough or long enough to even have a dream since probably September or October. To go that long with out dreaming unpleasant dreams actually scares me to death. I figure when it happens again, its going to be really bad and I'm pretty nervous. And I would love to know how to help Jonathan. <br />
<br />
One of the first things I did this morning as I was waiting for my tea to brew (yes world, I also had a cup of hot tea this morning, not coffee) I checked in to Facebook. Hey, Guess what!!! Facebook Announced to me that it was Mothers Day. Then I started scrolling... and kept scrolling, and continued scrolling... After a few minutes, I decided it was the day to check out. <br />
<br />
As you gasp and begin to feel sorry for me because yes, now you remember something about me loosing my mother back the beginning of February and things getting much more complicated from there with Jonathans mother being found to be very ill as well, I want to tell you that is the reason I checked out. Between reading through all of my Facebook friends who were wishing good thoughts to their own mothers who would be reading these comments sometime today, and those wishing good thoughts to mothers who are gone. Then there were the constant reminders to be sensitive today to those women who want desperately to be mothers but are unable or have lost children. And then there was the comments made to Jonathan, and by Jonathan about his own mother whos loss is much fresher and more painful. I checked out because I just have no idea what to say, to anyone.<br />
<br />
The emotion involved in all of this mess is so very complex. I have never been a person who feels most things strongly, it seems, or maybe its just that I don't express them the way other people do. I don't know why that is or isn't but its just me. It doesn't mean that I don't love deeply, or feel anger greatly, or have any other extreme emotion. I do, those few people who have seen those things know. How many times have I heard, "remind me not to tick you off". My favorite catch phrase at this moment in time is: She isn't fragile like a flower, she is fragile like a bomb. I think maybe the biggest reason I keep things as low key as possible in my head is that believe it or not, I am a very competitive person. And I really cannot let any of this turn into a competition. <br />
<br />
So here I am, Not sure what it is even that I want to say. I really am glad that a select few people privately checked in on me today just to make sure. You know how you are and thank you very much. Those who maybe read this and think Oh my gosh I didn't think to check in, don't stress its not a thing. I really DONT want anyone feeling sorry for me, I am very uncomfortable with that at all.<br />
Know that I'm fine. I don't know how things would have gone at a different point in time, but because of circumstances all of my feelings and processing the whole event got compressed into about a 2-3 week period of time. From January 30 to sometime a couple of weeks later in February, and then we had to move on to the next event. Boom, here we go. People who care about me say things like, I should work to keep myself busy at this time. All I can do is say thank you, I will keep that in mind, while inside my brain is laughing. <br />
<br />
For me, Life is just what comes my way. Those things that are unplanned or some how you didn't think would happen to you? Well, when they happen to me, I just figure I have to put one foot in front of the other and do it, Ill worry about how I feel about it later, then when later comes? Well its over now so...………. I guess its just a way I trick myself. That doesn't mean sometimes I don't kick and scream and fight the process, but if you notice, those are usually dumb things that really don't matter a hill of beans, like learning how to use the new computer or tv set up. The big things??????? Its just what life is, get out of my way and I will get this done. By the way, all, this applies to the super good things that happen as well as the bad. <br />
<br />
Trust me, I'm not a fan of all the things I have to take care of, learn to do, get taken care of all alone now, but it has to be done so (sorry Jonathan) It is.... what it is.. because, yes, this is part of life I have absolutely no control over but I have to do it anyway. I have already made decisions since 2009 and taken care of things that I didn't want to have anything to do with but there was no one else to do it. Most of those decisions were way harder than hey, what should I wear today. And they will continue to be very hard for probably another year or so with just THIS part of life. Who knows what's next. <br />
<br />
But<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"> now the most important thing I have to do, besides all the paperwork and financial related stuff, is figure out how to support Jonathan and his family. I am learning how to just listen, and not try to fix.. (yeah I know guys... I get how hard this is for you, Im there.) I cant fix this, I cant make anything any better for them. All I can do is try to direct them to the place or person who CAN help them. And then its up to them. </span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">So a little rest and relaxation so that we can regroup and hit it running again tomorrow. Ramping up to the next phase of all of this. </span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">I'm never good at ending these things. </span><br />
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span>
<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">So Happy Mother's Day to all who choose to celebrate, and Happy Sunday to those who don't. Me? its time for bed. Love you all. </span><br />
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-68874428678268222972018-03-24T06:21:00.000-07:002018-03-24T06:54:26.310-07:00I Got This, (and You Can Have It Too)There have been some events that have happened in and around my life lately that have made me try to figure out where I came from, how I got here, what makes my world view different from so many others and why. I started to put some things together in my own head. <br />
<br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Am I telling any of this story for sympathy? No, I'm not. Have I had a hard life? not at all. I had a wonderfully Blissful, blessed and amazing life. but I have a little thing on my desk that Jonathan bought for me because I ask a lot of questions and hate to make mistakes so I have this stupid need to understand before I try on things that I am afraid might disappoint someone if I make mistakes. I think that asking the questions may be just as disappointing to those people as if I just made the mistakes.. but I digress, It says "I can explain it to you, but I cant understand it for you" The though has occurred to me that there are people who are looking at me and not sure they understand how I do what I do. </div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
I also keep telling people that they should be REALLY Proud of me for the things that I DONT say. (which is the gods honest truth, it people only saw what does NOT come out of there, it might frighten them) </div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
But maybe its time to share a few of the things inside there that have in part of making me who I am.</div>
<b><br /></b>
<br />
It all started on February 4, 2018 sometime around midnight as I stood beside my mothers hospital bed. The words she spoke to me were " I don't want to do this amore, I don't want to be here, this hurts too much." I said the only thing I could say in this moment. "Don't stick around here for me, go do what you need to do, I got this. " What else could I say? (Inside, my head was screaming, how am I going to do all this myself>)<br />
Hummmm no that isn't where it all began. I think we need to back up a few days. When she entered the hospital and kept telling me to not worry about her and go on to the office, the hospital people would take care of her. "No, really, everything is fine with work, phones are forwarded to me and I can do what I need to do from my laptop right here and anything else we will take care of later, its fine." Hummm nope, that isn't it, lets back up some more.<br />
<br />
I think it was 3 years ago in January, (correct me if I'm wrong) We were sitting at a house in El Paso having a wonderful time with one of our drivers who we were becoming friends with. The phone rang and Jonathan answered it. His face went white, we all saw it. Darla asked me if everything was ok and I told her I had no idea what was going on but No it was definitely NOT alright. An hour later we drove across town to the airport and put him on a plane to San Antonio with nothing but the clothes on his back because his father had collapsed in the yard, required resuscitation and was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital and we didn't know what was going to happen. For the next month, while Jonathan was there to take care of his dad and get him to and from Drs appointments and therapy and help his sister out as best he could, I said nearly every day, "Don't worry about what's happening here, I know that your hands are full with what you are doing, Do what you need to do, I got this." (truth is, I had NO IDEA what I was doing for the most part, I cant believe how many problems I caused, ended up loosing that driver shortly after because of my mistakes but over all things stayed afloat) <br />
<br />
Hold it, maybe we should back up a little further. I'm not really even sure what year it was but I KNOW it was April 11 and I THINK the year was 2012. That was the night we put Jonathan first in an ambulance then a helicopter for Las Cruces in the middle of having a heart attack. The storm was coming in so they had to hurry and get him across the missle range before the weather shut down that possibility. The boys and I stared at his deathly gray face in the back of the ambulance while he in turn told each of us that he loved us and to not forget that and asked Malachi to pray for us. As the ambulance doors closed the three of us looked at him and said the only thing we could say... Do what you need to do here and don't worry about us, We got this." and we all sped off for the hospital. By the time we got up there they had cleared the flight and he was already in the chopper. The boys and I were headed that way in the pickup when Sam told me to stop the truck, he had to get out. Mom I CANT do this.. I just cant.... and it was very obvious that he was having a panic attack. I had a split second to decide whether I stayed there and took care of my son and got him through this or drove the 70 miles as fast as humanly and mechanically possible to see if my husband was even still alive when I got there. I did the only thing I could do. I left him on the side of the road at the top of Indian Wells to walk home and hopefully be ok and drove like hell. I called my nephew and asked him to go find Sam and make sure he was ok. (My head was screaming, is this for real????? Can the world slow down and let me breathe for 5 minutes?, NO? )<br />
<br />
Malachi and I got there just in time to hug him and kiss him and tell him we loved him before they took him in to surgery. He was already drugged up and has no memory of any of that. I'm not even sure at this point how Malachi got back to Alamogordo during time or really if he did. Abby and Aaron were in Las Cruces at that point and they came and got me and took me to get some food and go buy a change of clothes and underwear.... They stayed at the hospital while I went to my aunt and uncles house to take a shower and change clothes. Then back to the hospital. We were there a week, in ICU because the doctor was not sure what had happened. Jonathan had had a stress test 3 weeks before that he passed with flying colors and now we were in ICU. Jonathan slept most of the time we were in icu. Max ran the store and we talked on the phone and made decisions as we needed to make them. Some of the Border Patrol agents that came by to check on us brought me in food from time to time. I'm pretty sure I ate at least once a day but I honestly didn't really care. We left the hospital from ICU and drove to Alamogordo a week later. That day Jim and Layne were driving in to see him. The doctor had given me very strict instructions for Jonathan on the need for further rest, for things he needed to eat and things he DIDNT need to eat and that he really MUST MUST MUST quit the tobacco. I told the family that we would be at the house. They told me they were too tired after the drive to come to the house so we needed to come see them at their hotel..... AND WE DID. Sat there in the lobby "visiting" for several hours and ordered in Pizza before we went home and put Jonathan to bed for a while. The next morning, jonathan rented a car... and I watched him get in the drivers seat to make the trip to San Antonio to see his mother. Yes, he was driving because his dad and brother had back problems and couldn't do it. Yep the guy who was a day out of ICU got to drive because the others "just couldn't" I did the only thing I could do.... I hugged him, I smiled and said Don't worry, do what ever you need to do... I got this. (I was dying a little inside) But jonathan was right, it all worked out just fine. Hummm nope lets back up a little further<br />
<br />
The year is 2009. Summer, life is wonderful.. until the diagnosis. My dad is diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable lung cancer. he smoked most of his life was around many carcinogenic chemicals, work on things with asbestos... how could he have gotten lung cancer????? Well, chemo and radiation was possible but it was going to take a few weeks to get set up so Jim and Jeanne did the thing they did best while waiting... ROAD TRIP!!!!!!! Off to Branson with his brothers and their wives they went. I waved them off. Don't worry, do what ever you need to do... I got this. <br />
So back they come and then off to Albuquerque for 2.5 months of chemo and radiation. That was the somewhere in September. On October 6, Leah calls me at somewhere around 4 in the morning asking me to come take care of the kids while they take Max to the hospital by ambulance with back spasams so bad he cant get up off the bathroom floor... that began 6 months of him being off work to repair that. That's ok. Do what you need to do to get healthy, I got this. Ma and Pa came back from Albuquerque the first week in November and life was going to go back to normal, well normal ish... he was still recovering but things had gone pretty well. <br />
The next week, Jonathan got the opportunity to go to Nogales Arizona to help guard the border there. The detail was for 6 weeks, no problem. We will miss you for Thanksgiving, but you will be back in time for Christmas, its great to get to do something different and exciting and that has always been our deal. I'm a yucca and live in New Mexico but you can go on any detail to any place in the United States that you want to go. <br />
so, Don't worry, carreer calls, and I got this.....<br />
<br />
I get a call one day asking me how I would feel about him extending his time out there another detail round. Sure, that's fine. Its good be needed and I know that they need you. So, Christmas passes and that weekend the boys and I go out to visit. First time I have ever gone to a place where jonathan was on detail. The place he was living was far nicer than any place I have ever lived and it was spotless, now I know why you do this........ We had a great time and then came home. The next weekend, of course, was New Years... I get a call from him about 10:00 on New Years Eve. Jontahn tells me that he is having some chest pains and is going to drive himself up to the medical center in tuscon to get checked out. Ummm ok well its going to take me a wile to get there.. Long story there (yeah I say that NOW?) I get the kids organize, someone to look after them, get the store closed down, pack a bag and start toward Tucson. They have already told me not to rush because being New Years eve they were going to have to work him in for a heart cath anyway and it was going to be a matter of fitting him in at the end so we were probably not looking at anything before 9-10 that night and I had plenty of time to get there. Then my phone rings in Las Cruces.. guess what, they are taking him in as soon as they can....... Interesting bit of trivia.. the cruise control on a 2004 Dodge 1 ton truck doesn't work over 90 MPH. I get another phone call between Lordsburg and the state line somewhere.. My heart stops for a minute. It is the border patrol agent who has been assigned to be at the hospital with him since I was not there. Telling me he is out of surgery, things went fine and I could talk to him... We talked for about 3 mintues but he is still drugged and has no memory of that conversation.. or for that matter of knowing I was there sleeping in the chair next to his bed until he woke up when the sun came up in his room. The doctors told me that he was pretty much ok. this happened because some of his meds were probably interacting with each other and they made some changes to that and he should be ok to go back to work and finish his tour in Nogales just fine.. so after a day or two there, back to Alamogordo I go and back to life. <br />
<br />
Then in July of 2010 the cancer is back with a vengeance and things become very short. A fall in Sept breaks a femur, intubation in the hospital for the surgery, Things at the hospital there that I still really don't want to talk about... and a funeral. No problem Jim, do what ever you need to do.. don't worry about me, I got this.. I will make sure Mom has everything she needs, I will take care of the businesses, I will take care of all of it... I got this.....<br />
<br />
Then there was that time in 1994 that Mom had breast cancer, they had just changed insurance so we didn't know if either company was going to cover the surgery and treatment so my dad did what he knew to do.. he had the opportunity to work a very good job that would pay for at least most of the medical expenses if that is what they needed to do. Its ok do what you need to do.. I got this here.<br />
Mom was NOT happy about him leaving and I did my best to explain in a way that she could understand that he WAS taking care of her.. he just left me and Max to do the daily grind work and that is what we did.. We HAD this. <br />
<br />
We an even back up if we want to the summer of 1990 when divorce happened. Elizabeth was 4 and Abby was less than a year old and Cliff "wasn't sure if I want to be a husband or father at all, and I need to go out there in the world for a year or so and find myself" Ummm yep, if you haven't been here for the last 10 years, you probably better look somewhere else... but hey, don't worry, I got this.. do what you need to do... (and frankly I AM pretty proud of how the girls turned out!!!!!!!!) but at the time.. yeah my head was screaming.. how am I going to do this, I cant do this.. But I did. <br />
<br />
We can go back before even 1990 to my college days. I wanted to go to college to be a teacher. I knew that paying for that was going to be a hardship on my family... so Don't worry, I had it. Yes, I worked on weekends and summers in the family business earning much of the money there, but I worked my tail off. I also always had a job during the year to pay my expenses, no loans, no grants, no scholarships.... one of the biggest fights my parents and I ever had was over them wanting to help me pay for a semester of school that they knew I was coming up short on. NO WAY!!!!!! I GOT THIS!!!!!!! And I did. <br />
<br />
A car payment, a loan at the bank to buy my flute, neither in my name because I was underage... but I made every payment on both....<br />
<br />
There are things clear back to childhood but this is far enough. <br />
<br />
So, the moral of this story is, no matter what was floating around in my head, over my life time I have just learned to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking forward, to stay in my circle and just do the Next Thing. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-84588680785517460182018-03-18T14:31:00.000-07:002018-03-18T14:31:22.355-07:00Moving On Beyond. What is the appropriate time of mourning these days? At one point in history it was appropriate to mourn a parent for a year. If you read Facebook you will continuously see that there is never a time it goes away, Grief never ends, it just changes, how everyone grieves in their own time and the hole in your heart never mends. All of those things. For years reading those things has made me feel like a cold hearted or maybe even NO hearted person, because, as we put it in our world today, MY Truth is different.. I truly have a hard time with grief over all believe it or not so for me, its past time to move on. I hope that does not offend anyone reading. So here goes.....a new series. <br />
<br />
You learn a great deal when you clean out someone's personal effects, if you slow down and look at items and look for patterns etc. <br />
I learned when going through my grandparents life time of existence that nothing could be taken for granted, every single envelope, box, drawer and pocket had to be checked. Such a valuable lesson. <br />
<br />
So here we are living in my parents house.. trying to make room for our things. We moved in, little by little, I think back in September. For a while we just kind of co-existed like we were just visiting and then it became evident that we were her for the duration so it was time to start getting comfortable. Now, its my home. <br />
<br />
One of the weekends I realized that I HAD to find a way to consolidate all the cleaning products in this house and just find out what was here. I had gotten some of my FAVORITE 31 bags.. and I was putting one together to go under each bathroom sink so you could just grab it out and clean the bathroom in less than 15 minutes and put it back... and then I figured I could have one for cleaning supplies for the rest of the house in the utility closet. You know, like with dusting supplies and window cleaner and things like that... and there has been a wooden box under the kitchen sink for many years that was full of kitchen cleaning supplies and pods for the dishwasher and things like that. But as I started looking around, it became apparent that we had WWWAAAYYYYY more cleaning supplies than we needed. WAY more.... I began to wonder, can you be a cleaning product addict? If you could, my mother was.... I even found cleaning supplies in the top back of her closet, things that were completely irrelevant to cleaning a bedroom..... Hummm it could be true. Jonathan spent an entire day pulling things out of cabinets, boxes, closets, under sinks, in places you wouldn't imagine and sorting them. There were things we couldn't even identify the label on any more. What do we do with this? is it safe to throw away? Would it be considered toxic waste? We cant even tell what it is. HOW OLD are these things, are they still useful? Did they loose their potency, did it GROW?<br />
<br />
I counted them up as I went through the house as well, there were more than 50 febreze small spaces air fresheners through out this 3 bedroom 2 bath house. <br />
<br />
I know that part of the reason for these things came from a great fear that she had of at some point "smelling like an old person" I knew enough to know what she was talking about. As a small child I remember going to her older relatives houses, which I dearly loved to do, but some of them DID have a particular smell. The houses were old and generally uninsulated, they used either wood or gas heat in the winter, I even remember wood cook stoves in some of the houses. We have none of the things that would cause many of the smells in our houses today, but she never could get that thought out of her head. Also, she had a fear of smelling like an old person, herself. Again, we have much better bathing situations and even nutritional situations so that was not going to happen, but if we have thoughts in our heads. <br />
<br />
I also know that she forever compared herself to those around her. Well, not really that, more she was afraid that those people were comparing her to themselves. She never felt like anything she did was of any remote importance, or in any way special, therefore nothing she HAD was of any importance, nor was special. She just knew that anyone who came in her house was looking down on her for what she perceived as pretty meager surroundings compared to others she knew. Instead I think those same people were seeing a house filled with love, and comfort and kindness over seen by a woman who was truly concerned about their welfare and wellbeing. I think they saw the artwork that hung on the walls, much of which SHE had done herself. Her creativity was something to behold in so many areas. They just saw comfort and mostly, LOVE.<br />
<br />
She always said that she had no idea how to decorate a home like all of her sisters in law did. I believe that all of them would disagree with her on that subject as well. Again, her house was decorated with LOVE.<br />
<br />
But that leads me back to the original though of this edition. Neatness, tidiness, and over all cleanliness were very important to her for many reasons. I'm not saying in any way that she should not have concerned herself with these things but I certainly say that one of her blessings on me is that I will not have to buy cleaning supplies beyond a few items for at least the next year or so. <br />
<br />
Thank you so much, I am trying hard to live up to your standards. <br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-52389076751489451002018-03-06T07:41:00.002-08:002018-03-06T07:41:54.809-08:00The ironic month of posessions 7 experiment<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1d2129; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: pre-wrap; word-spacing: 0px;">Well, I didn't get up as early today as my alarm went off but I'm up and moving now anyway. I am trying very hard this month to stick to the goal of our 7 experiment program and not to deviate away. I wanted to do this program again for a reason so I'm trying to stick with the reason. I am also sort of trying to catch up on the clothing month. With my mothers passing and moving in to her house there will be many things to purge as they don't matter to me so I almost feel like I'm cheating in some way on this path but that's ok too I think. </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1d2129; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: pre-wrap; word-spacing: 0px;">Our church is getting ready to have a yard sale to help fund our kids going to summer camp so this is the perfect time for me to do this. I have a place for many of the things to go that will benefit someone else and maybe help raise some money for the kids as well. I'm not sure how far I will get in this month either as now my mother in law is in the hospital with pneumonia. She has advanced COPD as well so I'm afraid this is going to be rough. My husband is in San Antonio with her while I am here taking care of all the businesses, beginning the legal stuff on my mothers affairs and just keeping the home fires burning. Over the weekend I hauled out 2 garbage bags of things that were just trash. Most of one of them to be fair was flowers that people sent us at my moms funeral. They were beautiful and I loved walking in to the livingroom in the morning and smelling them, but time passes. </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1d2129; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: pre-wrap; word-spacing: 0px;">There are so many things that need another home here in this house and in the Aloha House that it seems crazy and overwhelming to even think about it but I think that what I need to do to get over the overwhelm is to look at what Jen Hatmaker set out to do. Her idea was to purge 7 items a day so I think that is going to work for me and then maybe I can also do more on days I have time. I can then decide whether those 7 items go into the generic yard sale boxes or if they go in to the I have someone special in mind for these things boxes. My goal will be to get those things out of my sight quickly before I decide that for what ever reason they need to be kept and I put them back away. </span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: #1d2129; display: inline; float: none; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: pre-wrap; word-spacing: 0px;">So todays 7 purge has been completed. 4 vases from flowers that came. I kept 2 of them that will be nice to have for future flowers. (I am going to do my best to keep fresh flowers in my house as they make me happy) and 4 books that I don't care to read so that makes 8. Now off to work and find 7 items there to purge as well. </span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike><br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-44364762666885858832018-01-07T21:25:00.001-08:002018-01-07T21:25:13.592-08:007 Project week 1 Hash and RehashThe first week of this project has been a very interesting start. Things have not gone anywhere close to the order I originally numbered them but that is ok. There are things that almost HAD to happen first and GOD saw that before I did and took care of reorganizing my thoughts.<br />
<br />
<br />
So here at the end of week one I have some plans and some observations to share.<br />
<br />
I will start with plans. <br />
<br />
How am I doing on each of my items.<br />
1) Eat in, not out. I have set myself a limit of 7 times out this month and in the first week the challenge that slapped me was 2 meals out in one day because I was out of town. I had planned for one but not both so I felt very annoyed by that. On Saturday, I was given the opportunity to again "just grab some take out" for lunch so you don't have to come home and cook. Nope, I want to fix food because I don't want restaurant food. Whew, I made it. 22 CAN SHE DO IT?!?!?!<br />
<br />
<br />
2) Pare down the kitchen and get it ready to be what I need it to be. I wasn't really sure that this was something that might fit with the idea of a "food fast" because technically it should fit more with possessions but after my daughter and I talked about it for a while, I came to realize that it really DOES fit in for mine. I need a space to work in that is conducive to preparing meals at home that will have few to no preservatives, chemicals, be salt and sugar controlled, cost effective and easy to make on a tight schedule. So, along comes the God thing. I post a video of organizing ones pantry that I found interesting, my friend commented that she missed that kind of thing, I offered to let her get her "fix" at my house, she took me up on the offer and PPPPPOOOFFF TODAY WAS THE DAY. I will later post before and after photos, this even involved hubby getting in there and hanging some shelves and reworking a freestanding cabinet to make a baking area!!!!! He is even going to put the cabinet on castors so I can move it around the kitchen. We emptied every single cabinet in the kitchen, cleaned it and put the stuff back. We also eliminated a bunch of broken, unnecessary, old, scary things. Again, photos forth coming, maybe. We have a little bit to do still on the cabinet but over all I will have counter space to do food prep and our plan is also to start getting up earlier in the morning because of business. I figure that I can prep food for the whole day at that time myself.<br />
That way we will eat all three meals and will eat them at home. <br />
<br />
3) Eliminate as many chemicals blah blah blah. Food prep, lack of processed foods, use of instant pot, crockpot, and good old fashioned stove and oven and here we go! Pretty good for week 1<br />
<br />
4) Shop as infrequently as possible is off to a good start. Partly because I already had food here and want to use as much as I can with out shopping for more of the same, and partly becuause I knew that today was happening and wanted as little in the way as possible. I do still have to do some reorganizing on the pull outs that contain the canned goods and such but that will happen in the next weeks as I do shop. Oh, I also plan to get 3x5 cards and lable everything that goes in each place on the inside of the door so that we wont just go back to "the old ways" and we can keep things where they belong. <br />
<br />
5-6, Menus, and Portion control, those have not happened yet but now that I have the kitchen out mostly out of the way I can get to work on those two things. I keep trying to remind myself that this is a work in progress for me, a marathon, not a sprint, because what I am trying to do is changes that will last years, not the sprint of the moment. <br />
<br />
Some where in here I combine a couple of my items too so this week I am reporting 6 instead of 7. I am too tired tonight to go back and figure out where that happened and I am thinking it really does not matter to the long run. If this ever gets published into a book, me editor can make me reevaluate and change it. Until the, I think we are all safe. <br />
<br />
Now for the observation part. Everyone that I have followed through this seems to be finding out that what ever their major focus seems to have thrown them a curve ball this week. For me, it was being faced with the eating out thing right off the bat, then having to make the decision of when NOT to just run to the store for something and telling the family, nope we are out of that I will get it the next time I make a major run, just write it on the list. That has annoyed the others around me more than me it seems, but still annoyance is in the air. <br />
<br />
The second observation has been that we have all (or at least a lot in our group have mentioned) that our spouses have in some way been more annoying than usual. Hummm, I am wondering if this fast is bringing out some inconsistencies in the way we each view life? Maybe because we are being denied something ( at least deep in our heads) those that are closest to us are standing out more than usual? I don't know, maybe you all out there in TV land can help me figure that one out. Why would we want to take out our frustrations on the one who is closest to us.. our other half, the one we walk beside? When I began seeing a pattern here, I can say it did pretty much stop me in my tracks and make me spend some time in prayer to evaluate my own behavior. I came to the conclusion that God has put 3 people in front of me this week that I should very specifically be praying for. The first and foremost of those people is my husband. So, when I feel the urge to be frustrated about anything dealing with this time of fasting, I am going to attempt to remember to stop, drop and pray for him, and the other 2 situations that have jumped right in front of me. <br />
<br />
The third thing I have observed is that in my own thought life, I am struggling with , get this one, feeling superior to people who are NOT doing this along with us.. I'm still working on where that is coming from, and why on earth I would WANT to feel superior to someone at all much less someone who doesn't even know what is going on.. Isnt that the strangest? So, I know that the obvious solution to that problem is also prayer.. but NOT prayer as the guy who was thanking God that he was NOT like that poor beggar over there.........<br />
<br />
So now, to bed to prepare for week 2. Tuesday will again probably include a restaurant meal as I have to go out of town again but it will just be meal 3 and because we have a doctors appointment out of town. A logical reason. <br />
<br />
Goals for week 2, Menus beginning to happen, portion control beginning to happen, keep my "happy place" happy!!!!! Then the rest fall in place as well. <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-23002866997171989332018-01-01T10:09:00.000-08:002018-01-01T21:51:50.598-08:00The 7 Project Sherry StyleHello, My name is Sherry and I'm a stuff and things junkie. I'm not sure what "sobriety" will look like in this process but I'm getting ready to start trip 2 through it. <br />
<br />
Understanding that I need to make it through this journey again started in June, <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; color: black; display: inline !important; float: none; font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">really</span> . My mother is 84 and in June started having some health problems that we did not understand. After several months of tests and poking and prodding and seeing one doctor after another she was diagnosed with primarily a liver condition. During this time she became very weak and unsure of staying alone in her house so, POOF. Over night Jonathan and I moved in to her house. By move in, I mean we put sheets on the bed in the "spare room" took enough clothes to get through the week and our pillows. Since then I have moved a few cooking utensils that I rely on, cleaned out another bedroom to set up as my craft room which has actually gone no where else..., brought my rocking chair and sewing table and that is as far as I have gotten since somewhere in September. At some point my brain just shut down on me because all I could do was look around me at all the things from over 60 years of living in THIS house.... walking back in to the hoarder like filth in the house that has my name on the deed... and looking around at the business property that has been collecting clutter on almost 6 acres for almost 59 years. What am I supposed to DO with all this stuff? It nearly all cost SOMEONE money, isn't that like throwing away money? Couldn't someone benefit from something? You know the whole idea of your trash may be someone elses treasure... how do I KNOW what is someone elses treasure? I could spend the next 10 years picking an item around here and then finding someone else who needs it... I am not even kidding, folks, it is THAT BAD around here. Not to mention there are things that, if I could sell them, would pay off a bill or two that would declutter that part of all 3 of my lives as well. (yes, I live basically three lives... 1) my business world where I manage three businesses, care for all that stuff that is burying me alive.....2) The life I live here in my mom's house trying to keep her as healthy as possible and keep Jonathan as healthy as possible with the resourses that I am in control of. My Mom is much more concerned about "neat and tidy" than I have ever been since I found out perfection does Not exist and I gave up trying... somewhere around 10 or 11 and Jonathan is far less concerned about anything related to neat and tidy other than clean socks and underware. Our cleaning styles have ALWAYS been at odds with each other so as you can imagine this is creating added stress in my head, plus no one in this house sleeps... well at least not at NIGHT. <br />
Stop action and move on.......and 3) My life, and where my stuff is actually at.. all my crafting stuff, ( I had finally gotten to the point that I could have a place to do my crafts... I had made curtains for that room that fit my bizzare personality was waiting to hang them.. and then I moved. I'm not a big shoe person.. but all but 2 pair of shoes and one pair of boots are at that house.... I think I only have 3 more pair there and obviously have made it through months with out them... but...... My jewelry is there, I don't wear much but from time to time it just speaks to me to get me through the day. And somewhat MOST importantly to me, books, and my essential oils... (I have the MOST ESSENTIAL ones with me.. hahahaha) but the rest are calling my name but I really don't have room for them anywhere here. And being able to just have time OFF DUTY.... That place represents off duty to me. Just Sunday afternoon.. but enough. <br />
<br />
Hummm, Ok that short explanation turned in to a total Brain Dump.....<br />
<br />
Back to our regularly scheduled program.......<br />
The short version is that there is just too much in my life at this point and something has to give, bug there is nothing that can give. I cannot loose track of my Savior in all of this messy life I live and I'm having a harder and harder time hearing.<br />
<br />
I tend to be a lot like how Jen Hatmaker describes her self.... ALL IN or All out. My tendency on anything is to over complicate things to get where I want to go, therefore I cant keep up and I quit... Hummmm Old Testament? I love systems it seems, I tend toward the OCD that way.. Systems and knowing what I am doing and what my long term goal is makes me comfortable and happy,.......... until the people who are also involved fail to see the importance to me of following those systems and either fail to do so or simply tell me it is completely unnecessary and they are not going to do it.... Until the crisis comes. Then I crash and burn and give up and feel fairly certain that nothing is EVER going to change or be different or not simply lead from one crisis to the next... when if they would just see the need for that system, we would NOT HAVE TO HAVE these adrenaline rush based crises every other day and life would be much more present. But trying to remember that this journey is mine alone, I have to figure out how to include those around me with out including them... Make sense? Anyone wonder why I don't LIKE riding Rollercoasters? Because my head is enough of a rollercoaster on an every day minute by minute basis... who needs a mechanical version???? <br />
Does anyone ELSE wonder how I even get ANYTHING done?<br />
<br />
Man this first part is turning in to a book. <br />
<br />
so again, Back to our regularly scheduled program. Food month. <br />
<br />
I have for about 2 weeks now tried to figure out what my end goal was going to be. I have changed my goal about 5 times after listening to other people who are jumping on board with me, I MUST figure out the RIGHT, most ACCEPTABLE goal and then I started actually reading the BOOK of Jens, not just the Bible Study... OH NO, I'm not doing this because I am adopting or feel a special burden for a third world country at this moment.. Whats wrong with me????? Panic set in.... If I'm not doing this for the "RIGHT REASON" then why am I doing it... Should I do this.. or that.. or that thing over there.... Lack of sleep crept in.... (I'm not even kidding, it has been that dramatic in my head) <br />
So this morning.. it came to me. (that still small voice when I had a chance to hear it) "You know how last week you were totally distressed over throwing an entire trash can full of food away? Hey, maybe your goal should be to figure out how to NOT throw out food" Just that. And ALL of that.... how simple yet how complex. Yesterday, I went to Walmart and bought a food sealer. I had been planning to do that anyway because of the food loss around here. ( I figured out that no matter what we say, we really don't eat left overs.... I mean, if I cook something and I can reserve it either in the same form or an altered form one more time in the week but that is it. so enter the food sealer) We also purchased an instant pot right after Thanksgiving that I am loving. <br />
<br />
So after a LONG I'm sure less than entertaining build up.. (for anyone who is still here) Here are my goals for Chapter 1, Food<br />
<br />
1) Plan Menus ahead of time and be able to mix and match recipes for the next months of "winter" plan 4 sets of menus for each season of the year to be able to shop as seasonally as possible. <br />
<br />
2) Eliminate as many chemicals and preservatives as possible from our diet. This is necessary for the health conditions that are in this house besides the fact that one of us needs to not loose any more weight and the rest of us very much need to. <br />
<br />
3) Learn Portion Control.. Excess means excess...... eat too much, weigh too much, hurt too much, etc. <br />
<br />
4) Shop as infrequently as possible. Because the title of this is the 7 experiment, I'm thinking I have to include something with that number so it makes sense to say that I want to go to the grocery store 7 or fewer times in the month instead of almost daily like I have been doing.. that is where the planning ahead must come in. <br />
<br />
5) Eat out fewer than 7 times in the month <br />
<br />
and <br />
6) Use the tools that I have at my command to eliminate food waste. By using those tools I can freeze more that can just be dropped in a pot of boiling water in controlled portions to be happier, healthier and spend my time doing other things.<br />
<br />
and of course it has to be because I really kinda am OCD<br />
<br />
7) Get this kitchen pared down and organized to produce all the other goals to get us to a happier, healthier point that is sustainable. <br />
<br />
<br />
Too much? Probably so I'm sure it will change over the month but honestly, health and sustainability are the things I must reach.<br />
<br />
These are MY plans this month.. Lets see that Gods are..... shall we? <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-22518300392229388252017-12-31T19:54:00.000-08:002018-05-13T19:52:38.242-07:00A lesson in Humility on New Years Eve Yesterday, was a pretty awful day. One of those days that everything was just "off", you know? Have you had one lately? But that is completely beside the point now. <br />
<br />
Today started differently, quietly, peacefully, only one minor crisis before church. That taken care of and I was only 15 minutes late. What a wonderful time we had in Bible Study, Church service and sermon were wonderful and thought provoking. A trip to Walmart was next that proved a little Iffy, if you know what I mean. Next, a quick trip to Las Cruces to deliver something that belonged to someone else, a quick stop at my aunt and uncles house to wish them Happy New Year and the road home for the evening. <br />
<br />
Not that any of this really matters to the important part of my story, but here it is..... We decided that French toast sounded pretty wonderful so IHop it was. Dinner started out by ordering brioche French toast that they were out of, and having to go check and see if they still had any of the cheesecake stuffed French Toast left as their new promotion starts tomorrow. Our waiter came back, told me I could get my order of the cheesecake and that they could make the bananas foster French toast out of regular French toast.... Life was good again. Then he came back again and told us that the Owner had found some brioche so the other two were getting their first order as well. Our food came, we ate, it was good.....<br />
THEN.........A young man who was sitting alone stood up and came over to our table. He asked if we were out for the New Year and were we doing anything else this evening or was "this" it. We assured him that from here we were calling it a night and going home. He then begins to tell us that he wants to end his year on a good note and do something nice. He wanted to know if it would be all right with us if he paid for our dinner. Stop action..........<br />
<br />
<br />
What do you do in a moment like that? How do you respond? We were perfectly capable of paying for our own meal. He is obviously an airman sitting alone on a holiday evening, shouldn't WE be paying for HIS meal? Is he up for adoption? But then, a little voice somewhere says, he wants to do this. Don't take his blessing away from him. Ok, I wont, but looking up at this young man and telling him we would be honored if he paid for our meal was probably one of the harder things I have done lately. It some how took a whole LOT of humility to say what I said. I knew it was the right thing to do but wow..... After we got in the car and were on our way home, and we were talking about it, we all three agreed that having never had something like that happen before none of us were sure how to react in the moment. <br />
<br />
Start action.........<br />
Before we got home, I can tell you that I shed a few quiet tears over the whole episode. <br />
<br />
So with this story being told, How do I see the end of 2017? A lesson in blessing others through small acts. A lesson in humility to give someone else the opportunity to be a blessing and receive a blessing... A lesson in taking a moment to see the world around you in a different way if just for a moment. <br />
<br />
So how will I start out 2018? Looking for the moment God wants to use ME to pay that small act of kindness forward as I promised that young man I would. Looking for the moment that someone else might be able to see God IN me. In 2018, may there be less of ME in the way so that there can be more of GOD!!!!!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-88409162453016852392017-08-06T07:35:00.002-07:002017-08-06T07:51:47.276-07:00I really dont have a good title at the moment but here goes <br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Something
has been rattling around in the back of my head for a while now. Thanks
to a late night sermon, some deep thought on the subject, the words of an old
friend that I have totally lost touch with and wish I knew where she was and
some more words of "My Dear Ole Daddy' I think I can express it
now. Topic: Feeling Sorry For Myself. Side bar ( It needs to
be understood that either my dad gave me a great compass to steer through the
shoals of life, or he really messed me up, it depends on who you talk to) </span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Someone
said something to me a while ago , “Everyone has pity parties from time to time so
its ok, isn’t it?”<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>My immediate reaction
was *I DON’T* I don’t ever get the chance because yeah, there is always someone
around me having one that I have to carry their back pack while they do. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;"><span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>My response to that question has really
bothered me but I couldn’t put my finger on why.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Well, Other than the obvious, well THERE is a
pity party right now… even if you kept it in your own head.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Then
this morning as I stood over a sink full of dirty dishes that I didn’t create,
it came to me.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Sure,
I guess I do have periods of time that I feel sorry for myself, like this past
week or so when I have had to maneuver all of life with my foot in this stupid
boot with people giving me the helpful advise of just take care of YOU…….and
all I could think was I AM taking care of myself, but at a time like this shouldn’t
someone ELSE be taking care of me?<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Hummmm pity party alert……..(and the truth is, that if I really look
around, just because it isn’t what I WANT at the moment, or the WAY I want it, doesn’t
mean people aren’t doing what they think is best to take care of me)<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>WHAT?<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Could the answer be, ITS NOT ABOUT ME?<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Then
this morning it came to me, I could hear his voice as plain as day,<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>the words of my father.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>“You know, when you are having trouble, the
truth is, 90% of those around you honestly don’t really CARE..and the other 10%
are GLAD you are having problems, so you might as well just shut up, try to
smile and <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>put one foot in front of the
other and keep on going.” </span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Which
brought me to the late night sermon:<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>Want to live drama free?</span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">His
main point I believe was:<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>This life is
NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>If you want to BE
important, find something important to do, and do it, and keep doing it then
you will BECOME important and you will encounter OTHER important people, doing
important things.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">Which
brings me to the words of an old friend (Linda Cruz, I still love and miss you)
where ever you are…….I hear the mother ship finally called you home!!!!!<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>If you are feeling down, find someone who
needs something, and do something for that person, in secret if you can.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Then you cannot boast to anyone about how
good YOU are for helping that person. Because you know what?<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>This life is NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!! <span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>And every time I have found myself in that
position and I found a way to play “silent benefactor” I realized her words
were true and wise. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">And
the last part of this thought:<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>What we
used to refer to as “the Golden Rule” says Do unto others as you would have
them do unto you.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It doesn’t say Tell
others how you want them to do unto you, and then complain until they do it the
way you want it done.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It doesn’t say, Don’t
do anything for anyone else until they are doing unto you the way you see fit.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It doesn’t say Do unto others BEFORE they do
unto you and then get yours and run….. it doesn’t even say Stare at others
until they understand that you have things that are not being taken care of and
they should KNOW that they are responsible for your happiness and then when YOU
are happy, you might consider doing something for them, well if you don’t forget
cause you know, you are happy now and moving on to the next thing in your
life.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>It SAYS TREAT Other People and DO
FOR PEOPLE like you WISH people would treat you and would do for you. End of
sentence, ITS NOT ABOUT YOU, its about serving others here.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #1d2129;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #1d2129;">The answer then is, I DO have periods of time that I'm down, I feel "put upon and walked over in the search of something/someone more exciting and fun, drug through a knot hole backwards (what ever THAT old statement really means) and just really out of sorts and feeling sorry that the people I care about don't notice what "sacrifices" I have made for them to be happy, healthy and get what they want out of life and they in turn reciprocate to make one of my few and far between dreams closer to reality. But my deep down EVERY day hope REALLY IS that no one knows I feel that way in that moment, because it really IS just a moment in time and tomorrow I would really hate to have hurt them by making them feel that just being in my life wasn't enough. That I hold anyone else responsible for my happiness and contentment in life. That any of this life is about ME. </span></div>
<br />
<div style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 10px;">
<span lang="EN" style="color: #1d2129; font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0px;">So
here I am, Silent Sunday morning…. With only the noise of my constant
companions chewing on bones, I march on… bare foot, BOOT FOOT, bare foot, BOOT
FOOT, bare foot, BOOT FOOT through the day to care for the needs of those I see
around me in returning peace and contentment or at least pretended peace and
contentment until the real thing shows up.<span style="margin: 0px;">
</span>The dishes are done, the laundry is started, I have had my first cup of
coffee while I wrote this and am off for another.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span>Now I will take a few minutes to sit in my
yummy smelling “bat cave” read a little while I drink cup two of the first of
several pots today figure out what my next task for the day will be.<span style="margin: 0px;"> </span></span></div>
<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-46974576309191598522016-05-13T20:03:00.001-07:002016-05-13T20:03:38.887-07:00Bucket Lists, Living the Dream, Life is short.......Thoughts weigh heavily on my mind today. <br />
Maybe its several conversations that happened today all combined but what ever it is, I'm feeling a little out of sorts tonight.<br />
The only answer I have for anyone is Quit.<br />
You can't live this miserable. <br />
You can't live this uncertain. <br />
I think it has to matter, but maybe it doesn't. <br />
If its this bad and this heavy, this untenable.........Walk away. <br />
What is it that I have heard? "I was looking for a job when I found this one?"<br />
Everyone should get to live your dreams! <br />
What is life about if you don't?<br />
I did everything I was SUPPOSED to do.. now I should get to do what I WANT to do. <br />
BUT THEY SAID!! and now they aren't..... <br />
All I can say is..... Good night, maybe it will look better in the morning.. but if it doesn't????????<br />
Find a new path. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-10747519676115219212016-05-01T14:04:00.001-07:002016-05-01T18:01:14.873-07:00Better...... or BetterMy morning started out with a phrase that caught my eye, or rather my ear. <br />
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #e06666;">It Doesn't Get Better.</span> </h2>
<br />
I was watching a segment of the CBS Sunday Morning show where they were doing a story about Outpost Keating in Afghanistan. <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Kamdesh">Battle of Kadesh</a> . One of the comments made was that they couldn't control the situation they were in or many other things, but they had written on a wall, It Doesn't Get Better. <br />
9*<br />
In light of some things I am trying to implement in my own daily life, this made me think. What that statement means all depends on how you say it. It DOESNT get better. Meaning just give up and accept where you are at. Survive, don't expect anything more than that. It doesn't get BETTER. Wow, Life is great and cant get any better than this. There are also several levels in between those two statements, in my mind. It seems to me that any way you put that group of words, what happens to you is all dependent on the world around you, the people around you, and the events around you. Things are going well, it doesn't get any BETTER. You loose someone, something, things aren't going your way...... It DOESNT get any better. This is it, its all there is. But what if it ISNT? <br />
What if it depends on how each of us CHOOSES to see the things in life. It doesn't get better and it isn't going to so give up... or take each day as the best day in the world no matter WHAT is happening in your environment. <br />
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
Do you WANT to be healed?</h2>
Then, I go to church and our sermon of the day comes from John 5: 1-9. <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+5%3A1-9&version=KJV">Man at the Sheep Gate Pool</a><br />
<br />
<br />
There is a man who has been crippled for 38 years laying on a mat beside the pool. This pool is notorious for being a healing pool. Jesus sees the man, and goes over to him and asks him (in the NIV version) "Do you want to be healed?" Again, we don't have inflection or facial expressions to go with this.. but try it on for size different ways.. DO you want to be healed? Do YOU want to be healed? Do you WANT to be healed? Do you want to be HEALED? Does a different inflection change the meaning ever so slightly of this sentence? Maybe it does. <br />
<br />
But how does this man answer the question? He doesn't give Jesus a yes or no answer, he gives Jesus all the reasons that healing has not happened for him. He hasn't been healed because he doesn't have any people with him to put him in the water at the right moment. The other people who can move better are faster and get there before he can. Its not his fault he hasn't been healed yet, its other peoples. Can you just see Jesus stare at him and tell hi so get up and take your mat and walk. So, he does. Soon some of the leaders ask him how it is that he is carrying his mat around with him when he should KNOW that it is against church law on the Sabbath... His answer to those men is "HE TOLD ME TO!!!!!" Not, hey, I haven't taken a step by myself in 38 years when this guy came and told me to get up and walk and take my mat home with me. So, before long he does go to the temple, because, remember it IS the Sabbath and he should be there and all. Jesus comes along and "finds him there" Jesus tells him You are healed, so don't go sin anymore or something worse might happen to you. (Worse than not being able to more by yourself for 38 years? Interesting) Then our cripple's part in this story ends with him racing off to tell "the powers that be" his name was Jesus!!! That's the guy who told me to break the law. I only did it because he told me to. If he hadn't healed me I wouldn't have been able to. I had no control over the situation. <br />
<br />
So how interesting to me it was to have these two questions brought up to me in the same day. <br />
It doesn't get better!........... Do you want to get better? <br />
How about, it doesn't get better unless I want to get better, and I have to take an active part in getting better to get better? <br />
<br />
This covers so many areas. Personally, I want to get better at what I am doing in my business, with organizing my world and being truly effective each and every day, so that I can honor those who came before me and leave a legacy of effective living to those coming behind me.<br />
<br />
I understand that there are things that happen to us that we honestly have no control over, illness that debilitates us or is even life threatening. We can want to get better very badly and sometimes that is just not going to happen, however, <i>I'm going to get better</i> maybe in that case is just about how we treat the people around us no matter how we feel. Maybe its just about looking for the good things in life and seeing what kind of a legacy we can and should leave behind. Everyone has areas in their life that could be improved. Some of us have sustained great loss. There are emotions that must be dealt with, disappointment, guilt, anger, insecurity, pride. Butt some point, the question is, <b><i><u><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Do I want to get better</span></u></i></b>? Or<b><i><u><span style="color: #cc0000;"> It doesn't get better</span></u></i></b>. Which will it be?<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-9956208429564989982016-04-20T21:31:00.002-07:002016-04-20T21:31:53.623-07:00Practice what you PreachI'm not sure if I am the only one to feel this way, but some days there are just things that happen that are challenging. When you have a day that several of those things happen in a short period of time, it tends to make you think. <br />
<br />
What I think tonight is that when you are faced with BIG challenges in life, you know the ones that are just Black Or White, its pretty easy to take a stand and believe what you believe. Ask most people what they believe to be their truth about abortion, for instance. Generally speaking the answer is going to boil down to "for it" or "against it". How about going to jail for committing a crime?Even when the topic is much grayer. Its pretty easy to have a general stance. Take being in this country with out permission. Is it Undocumented Immigration, Illegal Immigration or just Open the Doors and let em all in immigration. <br />
Pick any number of other issues that are out there in the middle of society. We really are called every single day to take a stand on "the issues of our day". <br />
But then there are other things that are much more private. Like each of our personal level of spirituality. So many choices out there in the cosmos. So many reasons for each persons belief system. <br />
<br />
Today, I have been involved in three or four what I will call "challenging issues of the world close around me", none of which I feel at liberty to give details about tonight. What I can and will say is that each of those issues has challenged me today to examine my inner self. Do I REALLY believe what I say I believe? Do I really MODEL what I say I believe to the world around me? Can I really practice what I say I believe and TRULY MEAN IT? <br />
<br />
For ME, Spirituality means a belief in the Saving Grace of the Triune God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Belief that a higher power called GOD is in charge of the world down to the most minute detail and DOES care about even the sparrow and the blades of grass, so must care about me even so much more. For me, that spirituality means a deep abiding belief that that same God is in charge of every single moment of every single day of every single person on this planet. He knows our days and He knows every single hair on our heads and has ONLY the best in mind for each of us if we accept that best. Most of all, He knows what has come before, what is now and what is to come and is right here by my side through it all. <br />
<br />
For me, in this day called today, as each of these events and conversations that have taken place I have been challenged to think, are those words above TRULY What I do believe? Can I really say with confidence that NO MATTER what happens I believe that God is in charge and will care for me and those around me that also love Him? <br />
<br />
Some days are more of a struggle than others, but even today, I HAVE to believe, If I didn't, what would be left. <br />
<br />
The Bible also tells me to not take on Tomorrows worries before their time as today has enough of its own. That is easier said than done some times. <br />
<br />
In times of trouble, I have always tended to close in on myself. I think that is probably because I learned to do that when I was 2. The thing is, even when I appear to withdraw into myself, I am really not, I don't think. I think I have finally realized that I am hiding under The Rock, from where my strength comes each and every day. <br />
<br />
There are those out there who think that people who share my belief system are weak and feel the need to have a crutch. To those people I say, You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!!! I am weak, and make mistakes, and need a crutch to lean on. That Crutch is the only thing that gets me out of bed some mornings. If YOU don't have that crutch, I cant help but wonder how you do it. <br />
<br />
So not to make anything that has gone on today about me in any way, because it is not, I just try to figure out why I act and react the way I do in any given situation. And while nothing in this is about me at all, I know that My God, will hold me up so that I can help hold up others who have needs far greater than mine. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqp2W8KLWxiGWHRrCIo56uKFtIOArP60Ma0CzkdECk3AXobWePnAa08l4Hx5ihAlvbb4597zz61sYEwPBxBR_MREvGovd7J5sxfzMx08pgtZXj_2WcSy5GbIkM_j2rGoI8QfwDxuDFPd7o/s1600/DSC_0279.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqp2W8KLWxiGWHRrCIo56uKFtIOArP60Ma0CzkdECk3AXobWePnAa08l4Hx5ihAlvbb4597zz61sYEwPBxBR_MREvGovd7J5sxfzMx08pgtZXj_2WcSy5GbIkM_j2rGoI8QfwDxuDFPd7o/s320/DSC_0279.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Enough preaching for one day.............. time to go practice it. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-13689468010120832392016-03-18T05:57:00.002-07:002016-03-18T05:57:44.480-07:00Two Ends Make the MiddleSo having stated that I will write every day, at least something, I haven't for the last several days. <br />
I find that I don't so much have writers block as they call it as I have NOTHING to write. Mostly, I find myself still going to extremes. Either my brain tells me that I don't have time to put any of the many, many words in my head actually on paper, or what ever you want to call writing here, or it tells me that nothing of those many, many topics and ideas would be interesting outside my head, so I give up. <br />
I am tryin to remember that the advise I am trying to follow says it doesn't MATTER if it is interesting to anyone else, and time really isn't an issue because I can control how many words I put down, I just need to write. As for topic, there is a great big huge world out there to choose from each and every day and I am personally interested in nearly all of it to some degree or another. <br />
<br />
Deep down in my heart I am a sociologist and I really enjoy just watching the people around me (and now that the cyber world has made the whole WORLD my neighbor) and see how they react in various situations. I am interested to see why each person tends to react somewhat differently to the very same situation. <br />
<br />
I've been listening to podcasts on the EntreLeadership website from Dave Ramsey and is crew to better learn how to do my life, and business. In one of the sessions he was talking about meeting two different people at the height of the recession. Short version is that both of them were landscapers in the Nashville area. One of them came to Dave, distraught and downtrodden because he had lost his business to the recession. People who were having to cut budgets because their income was being cut, cut out lawn services and he could no longer stay in business. The second man came in a few days later bubbling and walking 6 inches off the ground because business couldn't be better. This man was also a landscaper in the very same area. His answer was that as everyone else got OUT of the business he picked up all the ones they were no longer there to serve and business couldn't have been BETTER. <br />
<br />
I then saw 2 videos yesterday. One was about a mother who raised a single son. There was no mention of a father in this video but it was the story of how she raised this boy, did everything for him, cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes, and as he grew up he got other interests and drifted away. I also, personally, got the impression that there was more, for some reason he saw his mother as less than worth his time. As if she had done what she was supposed to do like a nanny or something and he could just almost fire her, so he went off to do his own life. It showed her sitting at home alone waiting for him to come to see her again and it took prodding from someone outside his family world to push him to come home. It was a Chinese video I believe as the mother was waiting to celebrate Chinese New Year. It was a case of "The Cats in the Cradle" from the mothers point of view from another land. <br />
<br />
The second video was also I believe Chinese. It showed a father and his daughter. Again, no mention of a mother. It showed the father caring for his daughter, reading to her, helping her with school projects, taking her places, teaching her things, walking her to school and picking her up each day in his business suit. But after he dropped her off at school he ran to work. His work was ACTUALLY any job he could find, no matter how small it seems to us. It was interview after interview trying to find a better job, and back to scrubbing dishes in a restaurant, washing windows, washing clothes, and then poof putting his suit back on to pick up his daughter from school and back to the "successful dad" who helped his daughter with school projects and studying and everything else in the evening. The point of this video was that she had done a paper in her elementary school classroom telling about her dad. Telling how wonderful and cool and handsome and smart he was, but he lied. She said he lied because she KNEW how hard he was working to support them and keep them together and to provide for her. She wanted him to KNOW that she knew and that she loved and respected him even MORE for how hard he was trying. I am pretty sure that this girl will not go off on her own and not have time for her father when she becomes an adult. <br />
<br />
I constantly see the different sides of how people react to a family loss. I know how I do it, and I see how others do it. I wont even go in to that here as it is a doctoral dissertation in and of itself. <br />
<br />
I just simply watch how people choose to face their world every single day as they get out of bed and the differences in the very same situation is as varied as the people laying in their beds. <br />
<br />
I try not to judge right or wrong most of the time, I just try to observe the differences and see what I can take from each thing to better my own world. Its the best thing to do because quite honestly, most people don't really WANT to know if there is a different, or better, or healthier way to deal with their world. I am sure that there are several things I could do to make my world healthier but I, myself, have to decide each time if the pain in the beginning is going to be worth the outcome or not. Sometimes, it is and some times it isn't. <br />
<br />
So today, I am going to continue to judge the EVENTS in my life to see what I can change for the better of myself and those I am in contact with, and what I need to leave alone. <br />
<br />
Happy Friday to anyone who DOES happen to read this. I hope your weekend is what ever you make it. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-61709944195510599692016-03-13T07:58:00.000-07:002016-03-13T07:58:01.419-07:00Change of focus <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQBa420NtUNIu1w10__zDb7tQgFE9_e_UNrIjO2KHK5tusx-VhWR9Yuii9ru7BdyX20AvJaba8vptdYnC8BA76BOSf8DU8dtEk2iiDvdyN0lzdIrXWXTPX-jiynGrGgg839Xnl4_ZnKbZi/s1600/DSC_0264.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQBa420NtUNIu1w10__zDb7tQgFE9_e_UNrIjO2KHK5tusx-VhWR9Yuii9ru7BdyX20AvJaba8vptdYnC8BA76BOSf8DU8dtEk2iiDvdyN0lzdIrXWXTPX-jiynGrGgg839Xnl4_ZnKbZi/s320/DSC_0264.JPG" width="320" /></a>This last week I was listening to an Entreleadership Podcast with Seth Godin. I have listened to several things by him in the last year,. He is a really smart kinda guy and I always take something useful away from things I listen to him saying. <br />
<br />
One of the "take-aways" from this particular show was that he believes EVERYONE should have a blog and blog on it every day. <br />
<br />
He does not say that it is for vanity, or popularity each of us should write daily, but for a record of our own path in life. If you write every day on some topic that is important to you in that moment, over a year, you see whats important to you in life. <br />
<br />
He also says that you will begin to see growth in yourself or at the least places where you NEED growth and you can address that. <br />
<br />
I have also been involved in a Bible study for the last few months that suggests the need for living a simpler life so that I can focus on my relationship with Christ which leads to more compassion for the world around me. In this study, the author, Jen Hatmaker, points out any number of times where your thoughts are at, the level your belongings are at, where your check register says you spend money, is where the things that are truly important to YOU are at. As I have really taken some time to sit back and analyze those things, I am not terribly happy with what I am finding. This Bible study is only going to be the education part of some changes that I need to make. This is going to be a very long process to adjust my thoughts and feelings of what I am called to be a part of, to mesh with the different thoughts and feelings of those in my closest inner circle. <br />
<br />
The way I am going to be able to make these things clear in my own head is by an on going conversation with myself, in my own head, but written here for my own personal accountability. <br />
<br />
The first challenge in living a quieter, simpler, less cluttered life is to make this time necessary instead of an afterthought. IF I have time to work on getting out the words that tend to stick in my head because it is very obvious to me that most of what goes on in my head is less than interesting to those around me., instead of it being necessary to my own journey, period. <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-3711031278833133682016-01-14T13:48:00.002-08:002016-01-14T13:48:42.849-08:00Working Title: This week (Swiftly Tilting Planet)I have been trying to sit down and put fingers to keyboard all week and today is Thursday. I'm not sure I even remember back to Monday except that Sam started Truck Driving School. He has about a 70 mile commute to get to his class but that's normal in this part of the world. Getting to class by 7 am requires him to leave the house by 7:30. So he was up at 4:30 and I was up at 5. This program is 5 weeks. He was scheduled to spend the first week studying for and taking the tests required to get his learners permit and then the next 4 weeks is time behind the wheel. Today is Thursday and he should be going to get the permit today. So, that is Monday. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Then came Tuesday. Up at 5, cooking breakfast and leaving the kitchen cleaned up is GREAT!! We have also been making our lunches to take to school and work with us. Getting up at 5 has also given me time to read, cook a real breakfast, leave the kitchen clean, make lunch to take with me, and even pick up some stuff around the house before time to leave. Getting to work was great!! This is the time of year that we have TONS of work in the office. End of month paperwork and reports, Quarterly reports, more Quarterly reports, End of year paperwork and changing all the files both on the computer and in physical file cabinets and such for all the companies. Add to this keeping up with the daily billing, Uhaul, phone calls. I can honestly say the morning went EXTREMELY WELL. We BOTH got so much done toward all the above items being completed. Almost one whole file drawer converted which at this moment involves changing, refining our filing system, got the billing done, and a number of other things done on my side and one of the MAJOR quarterly reports done. <br />
<br />
And THEN the adventure REALLY started. About 3:30, it changed. I had a UHaul Customer who needed to move his mother from here most of the way across the country. As we were doing the hook up, we realized that the car was not providing what was needed for the trailer to have stop lights. Jonathan and I were able to spend the next hour and a half helping this man basically rewire his moms car so that everything was safe. The man did most of the work but it took more than 2 hands to get it done.<br />
<br />
While that was happening, Sam called and said his truck had stalled at an intersection leaving town from his class. My mom HAPPENED to be in the same town and was getting ready to leave on her way home so I quickly called her. Sam called back and said he had gotten the truck started but we were going to have the two of them hook up to caravan back incase something happened. They got about 20 miles down the road and it quit working again. So they sat on the side of the highway waiting for us to get there. On the way out of town now about 5:30, Jonathan dropped me off at the rent a car place that happened to still be open so I could rent a car for Sam to get back and forth to school in so I didn't have to drive him every morning until we found out what was wrong with the truck. He headed on toward them towing a car trailer we had access to. I rent the car and start for home to cook dinner. My mom calls and tells me that after sitting for over 2 hours on the side of the road with her flashers on HER CAR wont start now. So, I turn around in the rental car and head their way as well. When we get there, we get her car started, realize that she has an 08 model minivan that has only had a new battery once, which was about a year after they got it. Yeah, probably time for a new battery for her. <br />
Jonathan gets the truck started after some work and changing nuts and tightening cables and we find that the truck wont fit on the trailer we have. SOOOOOO I get in the truck pulling the empty trailer, Sam gets in the rental car, Jonthan backs the ill truck off the trailer and starts driving with my mom bringing up the rear in her car. <br />
<br />
It is now after 7, driving along, my phone rings. It is the local county law enforcement dispatch. She wants to know if we still rent Uhauls and I tell her we do. Then she tells me that they have a situation that someone suggested we might could help with. There is a man who is living out in the county who needs to be transported to the hospital. The man is large enough that he cannot fit in the ambulance and they are looking for alternatives to get him there and would I possibly consider checking them out a Uhaul truck to make this happen for this man. I tell her I am on my way to the office now but my ETA is about 30 minutes. She gets to work on confirming this order and I drive. <br />
Long story short on that one is that being ex fire/ems ourselves we take the truck to the location instead of someone having to leave the scene of trying to extricate this man from his house to get it. We stayed for a while to see if there was anything we could do to help but they had several hours hour of work left to remove a wall from this mans house to be able to carry him out of it. After we turn it over to the ambulance service it is now about 9:30 and we head for the truck stop to get some food before getting to the house and falling in bed about 11:00. <br />
<br />
Wednesday 5 am the alarm sounds and it starts again. <br />
Alarm goes off at 5 AM. Coffee is "making", take the dogs outside. Work on breakfast while Sam is fixing his lunch for the day. We eat and drink our coffee and he heads out at 6 in the rental car. Off to work by 8:30 and start the day. Morning paperwork started, working on this and that while Jonathan talks off and on to our driver that is hauling fuel. He is sick we know but trying to struggle through. Jonathan tells me, he is worse today and I am going to have to make him come home. We spend the morning trying to figure out various options to make this happen or get him meds or something. By about noon he says, I'm going to have to have you go because you are going to have to take me over there and bring R. back home, he is very sick. We have a "pow wow" with the local driver to go over his schedule, give him his current and future orders and he starts rolling. Well, he doesn't really START as he has already been on one load himself for the day. . So we decide which vehicles to use, get fueled up, grab some food for ourselves and by about 1 or so we are headed out of town. Todays adventure is in a different direction than yesterdays. Across the mountain and about 3.5 hours travel time to get to the truck stop where the trade is made. Jonathan loads his stuff into the truck and we get R.'s stuff out of the truck and tuck him in in the back seat of my moms car and back across the mountain we go. Home about 8, need food so I cook myself something quick for dinner, Sam eats what I don't eat and he shares with me the ins and outs of his day. We clean up the kitchen and I fall on my bed and watch 30 minutes worth of tv. I know the next show started but hummmm I became aware of my surroundings about 10:30, turned off the tv, tucked myself in and settled for sleep. <br />
<br />
Thursday, For some reason unknown to himself, Sam woke up about 4 and when he came to take his shower it woke me and I realized that I had not set my alarm before I went to bed so up I came. It was 4:30 before I realized it was 4:30 not 5:30 but by then...... so again, some breakfast and coffee talk, dogs outside, a little news watched.. some blogging started, talking to other of my kids, a load of towels into the washer.. some papers sorted and dealt with, lost keys found and off to work.<br />
<br />
Today, I can say that of my USUAL job, I have gotten nothing done. Billing done on business one, a lost pay stub found and new copy made for employee, bank errands run, rental car returned, part ordered from Toyota after taking the old one there for a visual to TRY to get the right one ordered, conversations had with my mechanics over it, groceries bought for dinner for Sams Birthday, and back to work to attempt to get a few things done. I decided to finish this while I was eating my lunch though as I thought it might be nice to not actually WORK at my desk while I eat as I normally do. <br />
<br />
Oh and the thing I HAVENT mentioned in the last 2 days is that the saga of this poor man at the hospital is still going on. It looks like they are just going to send him back home with some new home health care workers who might actually CARE about his home health. The thing is though, it is apparently ILLEGAL for the fire department who took his wall apart to come back and put it back together, so he is going home to a well ventilated room. I really don't understand all of what is going on because most of the information I have is 3rd party or beyond but I continue to feel very sorry for this man. <br />
<br />
My life spins out of control at a seconds notice and stays that way for hours and days at a time, but the thing I can say is that when it happens...... I am <u>physically</u> capable of spinning with it. And that matters. It also matters that I am part of a community that even in a small way, I can care about and for those around me. <br />
<br />
Who knows that the rest of today and tomorrow will bring.<br />
<br />
OH YES< and happy 23rd birthday to Samuel James Holmes!!!!! Birthday cake for dessert tonight!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-32605274426375019632015-10-06T21:06:00.001-07:002015-10-06T21:06:51.672-07:00Its Complicated, or Ogres have Layers Like Onions. Things have been really complicated lately. And, by lately I mean the last 3 or 5 years. <br />
<br />
I have also been going to an acupuncture/oriental medicine clinic for the last year or year and a half. I go once a month. I started out going because I had an injury to my neck, left shoulder, and left wrist. Not from one injury but several, and I was in chronic pain because of it and had very limited range of motion and that was making me nuts. Over time, we have pulled back the layers to correcting several other issues that have cropped up. My kidneys are kind of weak (not something new to me, I have known that my whole life but conventional medical doctors have only addressed the issue when I had an infection) We have worked also on my left knee in particular, but both knees in general. We have identified that my back hurts as a result of the neck injury and continue to treat that, plus have been working on some weight loss. <br />
<br />
This last Friday, however, was strangely different. <br />
<br />
I have known that the stress was building up to astronomical levels as I had what is pretty rare for me earlier in the week, a full fledged melt down. This caused what it normally does, people to walk on egg shells around me. I did what I normally did and just pulled it back under control and went back to trying to figure out how to make it all work. <br />
<br />
Then I went in for my appointment. Normal stuff, I was battling a kidney infection that I had on the run from my own holistic treatment but it was not gone yet so we discussed that and started treatment. Needles placed and I was left to rest. That is when I realized that my eyes were "leaking" and I really couldn't quit. Breathing deeply, with the intent of stopping crying, I just kept right on. <br />
<br />
That was a reaction that I had never had before. <br />
<br />
<br />
I just keep asking myself if I feel better now, not sure, but maybe. Wonder what will happen next month <br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-29573886138142456032015-07-22T06:26:00.001-07:002015-07-22T15:32:33.884-07:00Trying to Find a RhythmI am trying to take the lessons I have learned in my Breathe Bible Study to heart None of the principals are things that are new to me. Well, there are a few things that were new for sure. <br />
<br />
Did you ever notice in the Creation Story that each thing in creation is divided in to two parts? Days 1-3 was the creation of habitats. Days 4-6A was creation of the things to fill those habitats. Day 6 B was set apart for creation of Man and Woman where we were giving dominion over all of it and were told to answer to God. Knowing how much that would entail, God THEN gave us specific instructions on Sabbath margin. I will try to go to more detail on this section at a later date, just know that I found this really interesting. I have studied the Creation Story my whole life, after all that is one of the favorite lessons in children's Sunday school lessons all the way up to adult lessons, but I never saw this before. <br />
<br />
One of the things I am trying to do in my own personal life to observe the principals I have learned, or relearned is that I am basically lazy. My house and office have overwhelmed me for years now and I am frankly very tired of cleaning up after other people who don't feel the need to, so I just quit. <br />
Because of the amount of stuff that is "ruling over me" instead of the other way around, I have found it hard to find the joy I should have in my life. After all, I am a Daughter of the Most High and I was giving dominion over all the stuff around me. If I cant get the work done I need to get done at my office because it takes longer to organize a space to do that work in than I have in the day, then something needs to change. If I cant come into my own home and sit down on the couch to watch a movie at the end of the day because I have to "spring clean" the couch to even get TO it? There is way too much stuff in this house. Part of having dominion over your environment is to clean out those things that don't belong there. It isn't going to happen over night and I am going to have to fight hard to guard the spaces that peace returns to. <br />
<br />
It is time to make my two environments fit the use they are serving at this time, not something that was 5 or 10 or 30 years ago, but NOW. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-45346075360193800982015-07-13T06:42:00.000-07:002015-07-13T06:42:26.192-07:00Hours of Service Meets My WorldSomething occurred to me yesterday that I have been considering. <br />
<br />
<br />
My Truck Drivers have to follow federally mandated Hours of Service. The total number is 14 hours. What they can do with in that 14 hours has some other rules. 11 hours of driving, mandated breaks with in specific numbers of hours, certain things that can be done in the other hours that add up to the 14. <br />
<br />
When that time is up, they are mandated to have a 10 hour break time. That 10 hours also has some pretty detailed rules as to what they can and cannot do on that time, as well. 8 of the hours must be "sleeper berth time". <br />
<br />
When a driver has put in a total of 70 work hours in a week (80 in some cases) they must take a 34 hour break. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.lifeasatrucker.com/">http://www.lifeasatrucker.com/</a><br />
<br />
<br />
This little bit of background to explain my thoughts. I have had my alarm set for 6 am 7 days a week for longer than I can say. Granted I usually am sitting on my bed trying to get the energy together to actually reach up and turn out the light between 11 and 12 pm. I generally try to get up and get a little computer work done, run a load of laundry through, fold what ever is in the dryer ad get it put away. Wash the dishes, maybe a few other things. All while I drink my morning pot of coffee. I leave for "work" around 8, eat lunch at my desk unless someone drags me out of there for a while. I leave for my mom's house between 5 and 6pm to go cook dinner (my daughter has been handling that job for me while she has been here which has meant I could stay at work until 6) Eat dinner, clean the kitchen, and go home. I have been getting to my house sometime around 8. I then come in, start planning tomorrows meals, throw another load of laundry in, clean something, fall on my bed, do some computer work between 9-10 and then turn out the lights when I get the energy to do so. So, so even if I do get that light turned out at 10, that is 16 hours the way I count it. <br />
<br />
So, the plan I am trying to devise is how to be more effective in 14 hours to get more rest so that I feel more like getting tings done.... etc etc and round and round. <br />
<br />
<br />
This is going to be a work in progress starting with "the 14 project" that I will be talking about on another blog of mine. <br />
And now, off to dress and head for work. Any ideas will be welcomed and taken in to consideration by the way. <br />
<br />
Have a great day.<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-70723031694376996682015-03-05T06:33:00.000-08:002015-03-05T06:47:47.489-08:00Like a Girl. What does that mean?This really great article came across my view this morning and I really want to share:<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.bpnews.net/44326/firstperson-run-like-a-girl">http://www.bpnews.net/44326/firstperson-run-like-a-girl</a><br />
<br />
If you have not seen the commercial, watch this all the way through to see the variations. <br />
<br />
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3GpXgFwWmk">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3GpXgFwWmk</a><br />
<br />
Now to discuss:<br />
<br />
I believe that more times than we want to admit, WOMEN are our own worst enemy, NOT men, not society, not race relations, not "the glass ceiling" not anything else. But Other Women.<br />
<br />
I can honestly say that over my life time I have LOST more friends than I have kept largely because other women have had different definitions of "like a girl" than I have had. This happened to me again just over a year ago. And I still don't understand but I know that it really wasn't about me, it was about preconceived ideas of who I SHOULD be. <br />
<br />
I am a girl who.....is most comfortable driving a pickup truck. Riding a horse. Schlepping bales of hay.<br />
<br />
I am a girl who.....is strong-willed, can be passive/passive aggressive, concerned about the happiness and welfare of those around me, most especially my family members and will do anything I can do to help them achieve their goals in life sometimes to my own detriment. <br />
<br />
I am a girl who...... was raised by other very strong women who wanted better for me than they perceived that they had. It has only been in the last few years that I have begun to understand the things that they had that they didn't see. Things that we need to bring back for women, that I am on a crusade to explore and make sure my daughters know about. <br />
<br />
I am a girl who...... doesn't particularly like most girlie things, you will nearly always find me in jeans and tee-shirts and boots, rarely in anything resembling a dress and almost NEVER in heals. Im trying to learn to accessorize but I don't do it well. I hate manicures and pedicures <br />
<br />
I am a girl who....... picks her battles pretty well, If it isn't worth my fight, I will ignore the issue but if it is worth my fight, Im like a dog on a bone and you will not know what hit you.<br />
<br />
I am a girl who....... has been married twice. Gasp, that means I have also been divorced. Believe me when I say that it was not my first choice, but God as always according to HIS nature took something bad and turned it into something beautiful, wonderful, and honoring to Him. I have 4 children that I gave birth to and a nephew and 2 nieces that I was also instrumental in raising. I did not breast feed and I have thoughts on the issue that make me not popular to either side of the issue. I have been a working mother most of my parenting career, my children have been in daycare, with a grand parent, with me as their only care giver, in public school, in private school, homeschooled. I have done my best to train my children up in the Lord and according to THEIR bent, not my own. <br />
<br />
I am a girl who currently spends 50 or more hours a week building a trucking business with my husband, spent most of the rest of my life working in the family businesses, while keeping my own home. <br />
<br />
I am a girl who is old enough to be a product of the ERA GENERATION and I have had to unlearn and relearn many things in my life. I understand women's drive to be important and in charge and fell into beliefs that were not biblical for a number of years. <br />
<br />
But I am a girl whos main goal in life is to some day hear: You are my daughter and my good and faithful servant. I strive to love Jesus with my entire mind, body, spirit and strength. Every day I try to live out my life as the Girl God Meant Me to Be, not the girl someone else thinks I should be. <br />
<br />
I love the ending of the article where she compares herself to the Proverbs 31 woman. I believe that again, many times too many we are "browbeat" with the perfection of that woman, who ever she was. <br />
<br />
I AM that woman to one degree or another but my goal is to go back and study that passage again in a new light. I want to study to be able to be the best "older woman" I can be to be of service to the younger women in my life!!!!!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-36154834066910978162015-02-14T17:26:00.002-08:002015-02-14T17:44:05.753-08:00Happy Guilt Free Nap Day!!!!The thought crossed my mind a few hours ago that this is the first holiday of any kind in my life that I have spent alone. I mean its only a holiday that was made up by the card and candy industry, oh and maybe the diamond industry, but that is another blog post, the point is, that it is Valentine's Day, technically a holiday, which this year happens to have fallen on a Saturday. It isn't a major holiday, but one recognized by the average American none the less. And one normally spent in groups. <br />
<br />
As a child, holidays were always accompanied by parents, grand parents, sometimes aunts and uncles and cousin not to mention brothers and other friends and relatives. School also always celebrated holidays back in the dark ages before constant testing. I have memories of childhood of valentines parties that we had in various homes with red heart jello and hand decorated hand baked cookies.<br />
Even in college, friends and aquaintances were always there during holiday festivities. There were Valentines Days that I wasn't involved in a relationship during much of my high school and college days but even then may of us "unattached girls" hung out together, bought each other cheezy presents. <br />
<br />
Before long, I had children of my own, and no matter what else was going on I was responsible for making sure their holidays were as spectacular as possible. We had special dinners, getting their valentines ready for school friends, party favors. Evenings were filled with special dinners of favorite foods and Special deserts that I made to surprise them. <br />
<br />
There have been any number of holidays that for many different reasons, work related, Jonathan has been gone on holidays. Sometimes he was simply at work and was home at some point in the day. Other times he was far away, Washington DC, Arizona, California. One year he was in Arizona for 3 months. Those months included Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and he came home the day after Valentines. He spent Thanksgiving, And Christmas planning meals for his guys to make their days special. New Years day that year he spent in the hospital. Valentines he, I assume, spent working and packing to come home. I have always felt really sad for him when he was away from us, even if what he was doing was so very important, but I was always really busy with keeping things going for everyone else. Its a lot of work. When I stopped and thought about it I couldn't imagine what it was like to not be here with the rest of us for what ever holiday. He must have been unhappy.<br />
<br />
As the circle of life has continued to spiral over the last few years, our holidays have gotten smaller and smaller. Kids grow up and move on to their own lives and that is as it should be. Other things happen that I have previously written about on other blog posts.<br />
<br />
So, I am thinking that having it be Valentine's Day, a day that isn't one of my favorite holidays anyway, to be the first holiday I have ever spent completely alone is a good choice.<br />
<br />
I started out my day as any other Saturday, I convinced myself to get out of bed and get ready for work even though my bed was so warm and comfy. Work had some ups and downs and strange plot twists which caused me to not finish what I had wanted to get done by the time to leave at 12:00. So at about 1:30, I realized that I was NOT going to get finished in any timely manner and maybe it was time to go home. Maybe it was really true that after some sleep, my brain would function better, and maybe so would my computer. So, I left to go home. <br />
<br />
A couple of my friends keep talking to me about taking care of myself but honestly, I don't know what that even means as there is always more important things that must be done then maybe I can get around to what ever Me is. So when I walked in to my house, and there was absolutely no one there, and no one was GOING to be home before Tuesday. I was at a complete loss of what to do other than the obvious, clean the living room and dining room that I was DETERMINED to get to this week but still haven't. Do more laundry, Clean out the refrigerator, Clean up my bedroom. Not to mention, I am waiting any day to come home to a pink note on the front door saying clean up your yard or go to court, again. <br />
Instead, I walked through the house, to my bed and crawled in it. Maybe this is what my friends have meant. <br />
<br />
So, the upshot of the whole thing here? It really doesn't matter what else is going on, on facebook or mushy movies on tv, or even what everyone else you know IS doing, a holiday alone is really pretty great. Especially if you give it a new name. And to that, I am going back to sleep.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-87859594124266129922015-02-04T20:14:00.002-08:002015-02-04T20:14:36.571-08:00Management Boot Camp Week 1So, because I have nothing to do in my evening time after a full 8-9 hours of work. I found out that through our local community ed program at the branch college in town I could work toward a certificate program in business management. Class started Monday actually, but I just got everything set up and in the program today. Suzanne was interested in taking it also and I truly believe that no education is wasted so here we go. Office mates taking classes together. <br />
<br />
We got set up today and got to look around on the website a little but tonight is the first moment I have had to really breathe and do anything besides my introduction. I am typing this while waiting for the first presentation to download. Its slow.<br />
<br />
My goal is to be finished with the first section by 10 but since it is taking so long to download I am not sure I will make it but as close as possible as the alarm is scheduled for 5. <br />
<br />
I have done my log in and written my introduction and goals for my self for the class. And now I begin. <br />
<br />
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-81483397360091202582015-01-31T22:27:00.003-08:002015-01-31T22:27:45.050-08:00I Need a Pensive 2005-2015 Sort ofBefore I begin, let me include a disclaimer. For those who know nothing about my life, I assure you that this is all true if maybe somewhat out of order in a few places and you have no idea how much I have left out. For those who "rode this horse with me" You may want to choose to skip this part of my blog, Ive been told its a bit much to relive in a short amount of time. You decide. But don't say I didn't warn you. Also, if there are things that you think I have forgotten and need included, message me and let me know and I will include them. <br />
<br />
Continuing we go.............<br />
2005 Must have been a quiet year or I have just not remembered. <br />
November 9, 2005 Ethan is born. I was invited to be there. Spent the night watching the same movie over and over. I got to hold him, he and I are friends for ever. Went to work and left Daddy with his new family. <br />
<br />
2006 I honestly cant remember the year but I THINK it was either 2005 or 2006. It was January, I know that. My parents wake up and start breakfast. My youngest brother, does not. The last 2 and a half years were great with him. Best time since he was younger than 10 years old. He and my parents traveled, did things together, my kids and I spent time with him. He is missed.<br />
Liz goes back to college. Independence Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas are pretty weird. <br />
<br />
May, <br />
Sam gets burned, he and I take an air ambulance to Lubbock, They want him out of the hospital here and to a burn unit as fast as possible because this involves his face so if his nasal passages or throat start swelling he could die quickly. Thunder and lightening all around and 5 loops over town to get over the mountain in the storm. Each leg of our trip, Ambulance from hospital to the airport, Air Ambulance, Ambulance to the medical center, the EMT's all apologize to me at the end of their run or al the stories they told Sam of the ways THEY did things that could have injured them at the least or killed them at best. I learned that I am really not sure how our species has survived. Spraying your hand with hairspray and then lightening it on fire? And THAT was from a FEMALE EMT. Diagnosis 2nd and 3rd degree burns up one arm, all across his chest, and over most of his face. The question we have is, are freckles on the surface of your skin or do they go all the way to the bone? We spend the next few weeks debriding his burns twice a day. Standing in the shower in warm water and I have a washcloth to scrub the area as hard as I can then rebandage.<br />
Abby graduates from high school. Cheer captain, band, honor society among other things. I am so very proud. We go on her graduation cruise. What a blast we have!!!!! The sunburn I get on the beach that lasts 3 weeks is TOTALLY WORTH IT !!! The food!!! Oh my gosh the food... Do you want a horse that goes slow or fast? I want a SHORT HORSE!!! Many memories there, check out my scrapbook. She starts college. <br />
<br />
Fall,<br />
Jonathan goes to the doctor to see what's wrong with his thumb, comes out with a stint in his heart. 95% blockage. Well, not really in and out, it involves a 2 night stay in the hospital here taking tests that he is passing with flying colors. 94th percentile for someone of his age, Doc says he is just fine to go home after they get the results of one more test. Ummm guess what, you are going to Las Cruces to a specialist, by ambulance. Long story short, the doctor decides to go look and see what we can see since there is nothing conclusive. My Aunt and Uncle come to sit with me. Doctor tells me he needs to change some things cause his arteries look like hamburger but if he gets some good exercise, eats better and gives up the tobacco things should go well for him with the aid of a little medication to assist. I learn things about the heart that I never knew I wanted to know. I also found out that Jonathan does not need to take Ativan ever again. He does not react well to it at all. We wont go into any more detail. Funny to figure out the things I can talk about and the things I don't seem to be able to yet. There are pictures in my head but I really cant form words in any way that makes sense. <br />
<br />
2007 Must have been pretty ordinary as I cant tell you much about it right now <br />
<br />
<br />
2008 June, Jace is born, There is something wrong but we don't know just what. A few days later he is diagnosed with Tricuspid Atresia. Tricuspid atresia is a type of heart disease that is present at birth (congenital heart disease), in which the tricuspid heart valve is missing or abnormally developed. The defect blocks blood flow from the right atrium to the right ventricle. In his case, the tricuspid heart valve is not there at all, but his body formed a hole between the right atrium and the right ventricle in a different place, just no valve there. We learn a great deal about the workings of the heart that we never knew we wanted to know. <br />
<br />
Two weeks after he is born, Liz and Dusty get married. We still have no idea really of prognosis for Jace. We had a great time, summer wedding ice cream sundae bar at the reception!!! Yum Yum. They wait a week to leave on their honeymoon so that Dusty can officiate for the wedding of a friend of ours. Can you imagine them being that thoughtful? Then they kind of all ride off to honeymoon land together. Liz and Dusty are going to Branson, My mom and dad head that way as well. Oh and the month before that they Graduate from college They literally live IN the church Dusty preaches in for more than a year. <br />
<br />
November, Abby and Aaron meet. They each just need a friend at the moment. We know that Aaron is deploying to Afghanistan in April. They spend a lot of time talking. <br />
<br />
2009<br />
Aaron leaves for predeployment training in March. <br />
, Being completely non military, this was a world we had really never touched before. Aaron was in EOD (Explosive Ordnance Disposal) He would be gone for 6 months. We learn about Skype, we learn about the delays in over seas calls. They email a lot as of course they are on 2 separate schedules. He and I talk a lot. Abby and I don't watch the news anymore. We also are very selective about songs that come on the radio. Aaron and I look at engagement rings on line. I keep a LOT of secrets during this time. We don't tell him anything about what is going on with my dad. They like each other and we don't want to worry him in his situation. He is gone until October.<br />
<br />
August<br />
<br />
My dad is diagnosed with stage 3 lung cancer. He and my mom and his brothers and sisters in law go on vacation. Sept. he starts treatment in Albuquerque. With the help of friends they go to Albuquerque to live for 2.5 months. We learn a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know. <br />
Oct 6, max bends over and realizes his back hurts. He presses on. Oct 10 my phone rings asking me to come take care of the kids so that an ambulance can take max to the hospital as he cant get up off the bathroom floor because of his back. Diagnosis, millimeters away from a fully ruptured disk in his back and he is unable to work. I go on working. Max is out for 6 months unable to work. I find a couple of brothers who can fill in for him at least part time.<br />
November, my mom and dad come back from treatment, and 2 days later Jonathan leaves for a detail in Arizona. Things look very good after treatment but we know how things can change so Thanksgiving and Christmas are holidays to be cherished this year even though Jonathan is in Arizona. The day after Christmas the boys and I drive out to Nogales to see Jonathan. We spend the weekend and come back on Monday for me to go back to work and be able to keep the store open. <br />
<br />
2009/2010<br />
Thursday is New Years Eve. Im at work. Phone rings, Jonathan tells me he doesn't feel well and his chest feels "wrong" so he is driving himself to the medical center in Tucson to be checked out. I start scrambling to get the store closed, find a place for the boys to stay, get them packed, get me packed, get out of town. As I am leaving, the phone rings again and he tells me that they aren't sure what is going on so they are going to go in and do another angiogram as soon as they can work him in (ON NEW YEARS EVE REMEMBER) but don't worry he will probably be the last one in late in the evening. I start driving. I pull in to Las Cruces, the phone rings again, they are going to start prepping him NOW... Im still in New Mexico YOU CANT YET. The doctors want to go home. I drive, boy do I drive. Did you know that a 2004 Dodge 3500's cruise control doesn't work above 90 mph? I do. The sun starts going down and it becomes very apparent that most of the rest areas are already filling up even if I felt like I had time to stop and go to the bathroom. The traffic that is still out on the road is me and semi trucks. 5 miles before the Arizona state line they call me and tell me he is out of surgery and I can slow down. Yeah right. I get there, spend the night in a chair. They did bring me a blanket though. I could stay there since I had no other place to go unless they had to bring another patient in, then I would have to go sleep in the waiting room. But at least this time he is resting peacefully. We know not to give him the same meds and he has his restless leg meds WITH him so we don't have to worry about him bleeding out because we cant get the bleeding to stop like the last time. The next day we meet with the team of doctors and residents and learn more about hearts than I knew I wanted to know. Things are clogging back up again. Meds need to be changed, life style items need to be changed. But things will be ok. Happy New Year..Its 2010<br />
<br />
The end of January the phone rings at work, I am waiting on a customer, my mom answers the phone. She says it is Ashley for me. I answer the phone, The voice on the other end of the phone says, Sherry, I'm at the hospital, I'm in Labor and I cant find my mom. I need you, Please? I tell the 2 salesmen that are waiting for me that they have to catch me next time as I really have to leave. In the next 12 hours, I learn about letting my niece wrap her arms around me to hold her steady while she gets an epidural. I learned that epidurals sometimes don't work, or work incorrectly, like they only numb the left side of a woman's body, and not all of it so you don't feel on one side and you feel it ALL on the other. I learned that there was a really great doctor on call who went home at 10 pm to get some sleep because while things were progressing we weren't there yet. Then she came back at 11 because when she got home to get in the shower before going to sleep, she just couldn't help feeling that even though she was "only" the doctor on call and had actually never seen my niece before, she just couldn't shake the nagging feeling that there was something she wasn't seeing and wanted to ask us if we thought it was time to consider a C-section or did we want to wait a while longer. Her hair was still wet. I asked her the question I have learned to ask doctors who give us those kind of choices.. "if this was YOUR daughter, what would you do?" She said Section her now. I was sent to change into scrubs as quickly as I could while they wheeled her into OR... I got in there just in time to see the doctor somersault a baby twice to unwrap the cord from around his neck...Twice. They cleaned him off, wrapped him in a blanket and handed him to me, to show to his mommy and then take to the Nursery in my arms while they finished looking at all of her internal organs to make sure everything was ok before they put them back where they belonged and sewed her up. He was perfect and I stayed with him till they brought his mommy back to her room. <br />
<br />
June, 3:00 am, Phone rings, Daddy, Im in labor. In the truck, I mention again that the curise control does not work above 90 MPH which is fine because we cant drive that fast going through the mountains anyway. It does NOT however take us 3 hours to drive to Hobbs, America. Things go along as labor does. This anestiseologist however doesn't ALLOW anyone in the room for an epidural so as uncomfortable as I was before, it made me really angry that NO one was allowed to stay in the room while this procedure was done. Things go along more hours. WE are finally at a point to push and the doctor is not there, they call him and reassure us that he is only 10 minutes away. An Hour and a Half later when she is still "NOT PUSHING" and the doctor is not there, I mentally give myself an ultimatum of 2 more minutes, If he is not there in 2 more minutes I am throwing everyone out of this room and her dad (who was an EMT and has done a lot of this) is going to deliver this baby. The doctor got in with 30 seconds to spare. ( This last year there was an article on the news about this doctor being indited for things that we were probably dealing with in this case) The good news was this sweet little boy was fine inspite. We were just going to be there till she delivered then go back home to work.. But Grandpa decided that Grandma needed time to spend with Dart before we went home so 2 more days were spent there Yeah it was Grandma who needed this. <br />
<br />
<br />
Interspersed in this year and the next couple Jace has angioplasty done a couple of times, open heart surgery 2 times. We learn things about hearts we never knew we wanted to know. I go with Leah to several appointments and take care of Ethan during times they are away for surgeries and recovery.<br />
<br />
Life goes on, work goes on, growing up goes on. Have I mentioned that Malachi is not fond of school. Have I mentioned that Malachi stays very busy? Have I mentioned that at 14 he completely runs the Vacation Bible School program at our church pretty much single handedly.<br />
<br />
Abby and Aaron are getting married. We have been having such a great time, planning, making, designing deciding on wedding things. Just before the wedding we find out that the cancer is back and my dad is now considered terminal with 6 months give or take to live. My uncles come for the wedding. We have a blast. Abby and Aaron head off for their honeymoon.<br />
<br />
September, its time to go. He falls and breaks his femur. The dizziness that causes the fall is probably a result of an arrhythmia cause by the cancer getting to his heart or the radiation damage that they caused. or it was just time. I wont forget the night I spent at the hospital before they could do the surgery on his bone sitting at the foot of the bed holding traction on his leg when the muscles started spasms very few minutes. Pulling on a broken bone somehow seemed counter intuitive but on the other hand, it stopped the pain for a few minutes. Standing over his bed and watching the man who was sedated take the intubation tube out of his own throat with his teeth and tongue was pretty amazing if not frightening. Then there was the move home after he decided he had been poked and prodded enough and was done. Then there was his final breath. My parents were married for 57 years. During that week in the hospital (wow was it only a week?) I learned a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know. <br />
<br />
Its a really rough time for Jonathan, Max, Sam, in particular. I just have to keep things going till they are ready. <br />
<br />
2011 I'm drowning trying to figure out all of the things I should have known how to do and I didn't. 2 businesses to run. Too many things to say here too that really aren't that important, but wow, its a really fast time of trying to get my feet under me and to keep things together for everyone else around me. There are bills to be paid. Choices are very limited. Have to keep Malachi and Sam's education going in some way as well. One foot in front of the other, I can do this. Fire season this year is the busiest we have had in years. One weekend Jonathan replaces water pumps on all 3 pieces of our equipment, one here in the yard, then one in Arizona and the third in Northern New Mexico and is back in time for his regular shift at work. <br />
<br />
July We get another phone call. The very short version of this story is we make a racing trip to Albuquerque to be there with my last remaining sibling when he passes away from kidney failure. <br />
He and I had talked pretty much every day. I ran ideas by him, he gave me his opinion, he was just the one who was there to listen to me any time I just needed to talk, he kept me straight as well. Every day is a little weird now. Some times I still wait for the phone to ring. <br />
<br />
2012 April 11, Jonathan has a heart attack. I think this is where I will stop. I'm pretty sure that not only am I not ready to really talk about this event and things that have happened after, but I don't think everyone is ready to hear my thoughts on it either. Just know that I learned a lot of things I never knew I wanted to know. A lot of second guessing and people deciding what caused the event. The good news is that with the exception of some questionable feelings and several trips to the doctor and the ER there have been no more episodes to date and we are almost at our 3 year anniversary. <br />
<br />
<br />
Life went on and that brings us to July of 2013 and the decision that has brought us to where we are now. That is another story even though I have shared parts of it in other blogs. New business ventures, new learning, new challenges. They continue every day but that choice to change directions has made today possible. It has granted Jonathan freedom to do some things right now that there is no way he could have done in his previous life. I am very thankful for the opportunities he currently has. Enough for now. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6402704451265057392.post-18477585778977471172015-01-31T20:23:00.000-08:002015-01-31T21:14:42.456-08:00I Need a Pensive Time Warp Edition 2001-2004<span style="background-color: #fff2cc; color: #e06666; font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">Before I begin, let me include a disclaimer. For those who know nothing about my life, I assure you that this is all true if maybe somewhat out of order in a few places and you have no idea how much I have left out. For those who "rode this horse with me" You may want to choose to skip this part of my blog, Ive been told its a bit much to relive in a short amount of time. You decide. But don't say I didn't warn you. Also, if there are things that you think I have forgotten and need included, message me and let me know and I will include them.</span> <br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: #b6d7a8; color: #8e7cc3;">Some how Sept 11 seems to be a good jumping off point. There are some events between when I was a child and that point that are important to how I got to this place on my path, but several of them are still not things I want to talk about or they involve events that involve others who probably don't want me to share their stories. </span><br />
<br />
<br />
Sept 11, 2001 Don't need to say more, just know that we, the family who lived in the mountains with out tv by choice, GOT tv. The older kids were all at school, Jonathan was at work, the boys and I were at home just doing what we did then. A friend emailed me (yes the world before text messaging and tweeting!!!!!) and asked if I was watching TV. We don't have TV so we found a place that I could find news feed on the internet, just in time to watch the 2nd tower fall. I don't think I even today have to describe our thoughts, feelings, confusion about the situation. What was different for us was my husbands career field. He was in government service that involved being on a national level search, trauma and rescue team as well as his regular job. We had no idea what this was going to mean for our family at that moment. The Defining moment for us was when the phone rang, it was for Jonathan. He was given the option of going on "Detail" to an undisclosed location, for an undetermined length of time, to do an undetermined job in the service of his country and he had about 2 hours to decide. We had no idea still really what was happening nation wide, how could I say no, I don't want you to go, What about us? This is too frightening....... I mean this is OUR COUNTRY who needs him, right? So, Im just trying to figure out what to do next, when we look over at Abby who is quite literally curled up fetal on the couch crying. He calls them back and tells them that he feels someone has to be on THIS side of the country to hold the fort so he would just as soon like to stay here. Jonathans birthday is September 12. We had planned the first ever birthday party we had thrown for him. No one felt much like partying at that moment so, that year we went to the store and filled out his needs in the search and rescue gear line just in case he had to go to an undetermined place, for an undetermined length of time to do an undetermined job. He has hated his birthday ever since. <br />
We got back to life on our quiet mountain much the same as before only we are just much more aware of the things around us than we were before. Maybe we watch "newcomers" a little more closely, and even those we have known a long time with a little more skepticism and distrust. <br />
Life goes on, school activities dominate our lives and we enjoy every single thing the kids are involved in and thus we are involved in. The circle of our family attends as many things as possible<br />
<br />
2002 Max graduates from high school. Band, sports, many things to be proud of. He goes off on a trip with the Lions Band. More high school activities for the girls!!!! We have a few friends who we do a few things with when we get the chance. Life on the mountain is great. <br />
<br />
2003 October 9th Jonathan and I were in El Paso to pin his supervisor bars on. I am so proud of him and so pleased that he asked me to come pin him Phone calls are made, my uncle is coming by to pick me up. Never mind don't rush too much, my grandfather has passed away before we could get back to town. He had had ALS for 5 years. His mind was totally all there but his body had betrayed him. My grandmother had had a stroke several years before then a while later fell and broke her ankle. Now she and my grandfather were both in the same nursing home here in town. My mother went there at LEAST once a day, but usually every meal to go make sure her parents could eat. When she was out of town, sick or in any other reason couldn't not be there, I went. My boys LOVED going, I lost them at the front door and they cruised the halls seeing their friends. Eventually they would end up at the cafeteria, usually pushing a wheelchair or two of the friends they had made I am not sure which one benefited most from their visits, the two rowdy children or the elderly they visited. <br />
Life goes on Ballet, Cheerleading, Work down the mountain, the boys are involved in many things now too <br />
Thanksgiving and Christmas that year are weird. <br />
<br />
2004<br />
May, Liz graduates from high school. Sports, Band, OM/DI so many more things. Off we go on her senior cruise, what a blast. The food was AMAZING!!! How much weight did I gain? In HOW MANY days? The ocean, the dolphins!!! <br />
<br />
June 9th My Grandmother passes away. They had been married 72 years They were 90. <br />
Liz heads off to college. Where did the time go. <br />
We move off the mountain into my grandparents house. Abby rides with a friend up and down the mountain every day to school.<br />
Thanksgiving and Christmas that year are weird. <br />
<br />
I know there are many events that I am leaving out in this but its so much to take in at one time so I think this is a very good place to stop for this episode.<br />
<br />
To be continued next year.......................................Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08994158521419271127noreply@blogger.com0