If this is Mourning,... It SUCKS

Mourn·ing
[ˈmôrniNG]
NOUN
1. the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died, typically involving following certain conventions such as wearing black clothes.

This past year has been a real challenge in my world. This time last year I was running 3 businesses, caring for my mother who was becoming more and more ill with liver disease but the lung issues had been deemed to be stable and not a problem. That is a very long story in itself but that is a whole series from another place. The short version is that at the end of January she went in to the hospital to figure out what was going on. It was cancer that had not been there in November but was raging now. Just after midnight February 5 she passed from this world. At the same time,Jjonathan was working while making trips back and forth to San Antonio to help his sister out with their mom who was having some health issues as well. Between my mothers death and funeral, Winnie was diagnosed with pneumonia and hospitalized. Jonathan headed back there the day after the funeral to check on things and stayed for almost 3 months. She was diagnosed with cancer and went home on hospice. Many things happened during that time that were unimaginable. I can not even imagine the lasting trauma, and my heart hurts for him on a daily basis as I try to do what I can for his healing.
While Jonathan was caring for his family to the best of his ability, I was caring for our businesses to the best of my ability. Or I thought I was. Or the best of my ability was extremely below par. In May, I thought that maybe things could start returning to normal, but all of our owner operators quit and went to work for the guy we got started, leaving Jonathan as our only driver. Ok no sweat, I believed people that this was just a set back due to a really hard spring and things would get better. We went to the truck show in July and took some classes that excited me and gave me such hope. Then I found out differently. We struggled along, I thought, trying to get back in the grove, hiring help to make things flow and get us to the point we should have been before we put more people on the year before. Every single thing I did to try to get things together turned out to be the wrong thing to do. Everything I did only seemed to make matters worse and worse.
Trying to execute the will, get the inherited businesses legally running, Talking to the bank about expanding the other business. Keeping the day to day going. Move in to the house and get settled, while figuring out what to do with the other house, then there is the other property. So much to be done every day. So few hours in the day.
And then, the end of October happened. My last driver quit. And no one understood my reaction to it. I should have been happy, I should have been excited, I should have seen the peace and tranquility. I didn't. There was none of that for me. For me, there was brain exploding, freaking out, panic, fears for my survival. There was letting employees go who were being devastated by the loss of their job, There was wondering where the money was going to come from to pay the bills that "the main, growing, rising star business" was paying. Time, I needed time to make this work. I know it will work but I need time to prepare. There was the feeling of responsibility for telling people things that gave them courage to make plans. I stand and accept the blame for all the devastation my vision caused those people, the vote of no confidence, the anger and lack of trust. For me, there was fear, sadness, hopelessness, loss and more fear in the place of happiness, excitement, peace and tranquility*-` Many of the people that had been looking to me for advice kept saying, " but I thought you were going to …………." My only answer as yeah, none of that was real, I guess. I was a complete fake." Other people kept wondering what my problem was, everything was going to be fine, but all I could think was.. Are you kidding me, NOTHING is ever going to be fine again. I have no idea how to even think anything is going to be fine again. I mean I know things are going to BE… so can we just stop the sentence with don’t worry, things are going to be. Lets just leave off the fine part. Then as time progressed the answer seems to be, it needs more time. Its not time yet, things will be fine until its time... TIME FOR WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Where are things going? What will be the next thing? WHEN will be the next thing???? Today< can it be TODAY? No, then when. Who knows when, things may never come to pass. Or they may, or something else may just wait and see. Wait, no wait do this!! No wait… I didn’t mean NOW…. As time has gone by, it feels more and more that what I did was not enough, was not the right thing, was not possible to ever be. My vision was completely incompatible with reality at all. And then, it became very possible that my mistakes had affected pretty much everyone around me. It seems as time goes by what ever this is that is happening around me is virally spreading and affecting everyone around me in very negative ways. It seems as if life is imploding a little more each day. Things for so many people around me sucks...and I cant seem to stop or even slow down "the suck". Nightmares of unbelievable magnitude even for me, a feeling of hoplessness that I have never had before. Things that obviously I cannot explain because I don't understand any of it myself. And then I came upon an article on the internet. (this is actually a wonderful article and you should take time to read it) https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/journey-grief-six-needs-mourning/ I mean I have known for many years the 5 stages of grief. I have seen them happen, I have dealt with things myself in my own head... but nothing I was feeling seemed to fit, until now. Lets start at the beginning. Need 1: Acknowledging the reality of the death This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again. Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real. Ok so let me start by saying that the realization I have come to is not about what others think it is. This is not about loosing my mother, or my mother in law. I began getting ready to lose my mother, probably the day my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2010, but most especially in July of 2017 when she was diagnosed with liver disease. I did enough research to know that most people with what she had live on average 2 years with the diagnosis so honestly I was prepared. My mother in law had been an extremely heavy smoker most of her life so lung cancer was not a surprise diagnosis for her either. I had already had the plan in the back of my head that knowing my own mother was on short time, the next step in the world as I saw it was to build our business up during that time and start preparing to start a second division of the company somewhere around the San Antonio area while this one would become able to run from a distance with some trips this way to check on things. We would live there for the intervening years as long as my in laws needed us close by and then we could build a third division either around the Metroplex area or Baton Rouge, or even both. So while yes, we sustained death 2 months apart, this was not the death that hurt. July began the fear of death for me. The uncontrollable illness of “a child” I tried valiantly to push it away, to avoid it coming, to ignore it and it would go away and the plan would return. We were just tired and sad, it wouldn’t last. Yeah, I was wrong and it has taken talking about it to make it real and acceptable… but the people I had to talk to didn’t see it as a death so they didn’t understand my reaction. It was about losing 2 mothers, the business was just a stupid thing that could stay or go, it wasn’t real anyway. Need 2: Embracing the pain of the loss This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss—something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it. You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it. Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.” If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain. So this is the stage I guess I have never been good at. My philosophy has generally been ignore it till it goes away. After reading this I find that the real thing I am grieving for I have honestly NOT been able to distract myself from because I am still dealing with the business on a daily baisis.. I still get phone calls periodically from account reps asking If we have room to fill a load in for them. I don’t think it is my place to tell them that we aren’t in this business anymore. So I just keep getting blind sided. I have all the paperwork to still do for the legal end of the business that is quarterly and monthly and yearly until we close it out. Then there is creating a safe space to move toward the pain. Well since I am the only one mourning this thing and the understanding of what and why I am mourning is absent it makes it really hard to create a safe space, so the safe space is in my head in the night time. It is something that seems to have to be addressed every day at the end of the day or sometime during the night and it is pretty exhausting if I do say so. Then there is the challenge of getting out of bed in the morning to face the going to a building every day to….. well really nothing… to the finishing up that has to be done of nothing. Its an empty space….. waiting to be filled, but with what, and why, and is any of THAT going to be real or just another part of my imagination? Need 3: Remembering the person who died Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship. But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past. Im the one who wants it all to go away. I don’t want to see memories of the past 5 years. I don’t want to to continue any kind of relationship with this past at all. I want to wipe it all away. It has been pointed out how many people have been hurt by my dream so why would I want to have any momentos or memories from it? And why would I want to ever have another dream? Remembering makes me want to vomit. Need 4: Developing a new self-identity Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent.” The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage; someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained. You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear. Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss. Developing a new self identity. Or maybe it was developing a self identity to start with.. .
The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. Without a doubt. I now question every single word I say, every single move I make, every single idea I have. As we could say here, I now question every single aspect of who or what I am. And I cant figure out if other people don't question all those things about me and if they don't, why DONT they? They should.
You may feel feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear. With nearly every breath I take. Add to it uselessness and inability to add anything of value to the world.
Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. Im waiting and praying for this to be true for me. Right now, my self identity is more negative than it has ever been in my life and I have had some pretty down times.

This is all I can say. Maybe at sometime it will get better. Which brings us to step 5

Need 5: Searching for meaning
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask “How?” and “Why” questions.
“How could God let this happen?” “Why did this happen now, in this way?” The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless.
The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty.
This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.

Lack of control of anything.. powerlessness over everything and anything. My heart and soul.



Need 6: Receiving ongoing support from others
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot—nor should you try to—do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.
Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to “carry on,” “keep your chin up” and “keep busy,” many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. “It’s over and done with” and “It’s time to get on with your life” are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.
To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed—even encouraged—to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.

There are a lot of “they MUST’s used in this paragraph. I don’t thing anyone MUST do any of these things because I think that the LAST think I want is placating, or pretense or because they have to. If you don’t get it. Great. You don’t have to. It was just a business, businesses come and go, so what. Businesses aren't real things, they are just words on a piece of paper.


So if this is mourning, it sucks. If this is mourning it isn’t for a person or for people because I have always known that people die and you just need to do what you can do for humanity every day and give it your all. And most people would understand and totally support me in mourning for any of the PEOPLE I have lost. Im weird, I don’t really mourn people, that isn’t in my control.
So what am I mourning? A business, an inanimate object that isn’t even real in any way but legally. It didn’t have skin, it didn’t breathe, it couldn’t feel emotion. A bunch of paperwork and expenses. It wasn’t even one of my dogs… It was nothing.