Thanks to a passing conversation with some friends, I decided that this was the weekend I just needed to hide and call it hibernating. So that's what we did. Things have just been so fast and furious since the end of January but honestly this has all been ramping up since sometime in August and we were both pretty much at the point of breaking.
In this conversation, my friend reminded me that the thing is that no matter what else has gone on, We have each other. That is the bottom line. It was time to take a break and rest and look each other in the eye for a few minutes.
When my alarm went off this morning, I just didn't get up. I knew that Jonathan had been up and down all night again as usual, sleep is not his friend. I knew that he was up and had been for hours out in the den, but I just couldn't do it. I went back to bed, turned my radio ap on and put the pillow back over my head. I didn't get up until about 10 am. That is the longest I have slept since sometime in August probably, but I KNOW the longest I have slept at one stretch since we moved in here in September. The interesting part is that Jonathan normally has few dreams or at least few that he remembers long enough to discuss. I have a long history of horrible, horrible nightmares that I don't talk about because they freak people out completely and suggest I get help. We have changed places some how in all of this. Jonathan is unable to sleep much because of the nightmares and I don't think I have actually been asleep deeply enough or long enough to even have a dream since probably September or October. To go that long with out dreaming unpleasant dreams actually scares me to death. I figure when it happens again, its going to be really bad and I'm pretty nervous. And I would love to know how to help Jonathan.
One of the first things I did this morning as I was waiting for my tea to brew (yes world, I also had a cup of hot tea this morning, not coffee) I checked in to Facebook. Hey, Guess what!!! Facebook Announced to me that it was Mothers Day. Then I started scrolling... and kept scrolling, and continued scrolling... After a few minutes, I decided it was the day to check out.
As you gasp and begin to feel sorry for me because yes, now you remember something about me loosing my mother back the beginning of February and things getting much more complicated from there with Jonathans mother being found to be very ill as well, I want to tell you that is the reason I checked out. Between reading through all of my Facebook friends who were wishing good thoughts to their own mothers who would be reading these comments sometime today, and those wishing good thoughts to mothers who are gone. Then there were the constant reminders to be sensitive today to those women who want desperately to be mothers but are unable or have lost children. And then there was the comments made to Jonathan, and by Jonathan about his own mother whos loss is much fresher and more painful. I checked out because I just have no idea what to say, to anyone.
The emotion involved in all of this mess is so very complex. I have never been a person who feels most things strongly, it seems, or maybe its just that I don't express them the way other people do. I don't know why that is or isn't but its just me. It doesn't mean that I don't love deeply, or feel anger greatly, or have any other extreme emotion. I do, those few people who have seen those things know. How many times have I heard, "remind me not to tick you off". My favorite catch phrase at this moment in time is: She isn't fragile like a flower, she is fragile like a bomb. I think maybe the biggest reason I keep things as low key as possible in my head is that believe it or not, I am a very competitive person. And I really cannot let any of this turn into a competition.
So here I am, Not sure what it is even that I want to say. I really am glad that a select few people privately checked in on me today just to make sure. You know how you are and thank you very much. Those who maybe read this and think Oh my gosh I didn't think to check in, don't stress its not a thing. I really DONT want anyone feeling sorry for me, I am very uncomfortable with that at all.
Know that I'm fine. I don't know how things would have gone at a different point in time, but because of circumstances all of my feelings and processing the whole event got compressed into about a 2-3 week period of time. From January 30 to sometime a couple of weeks later in February, and then we had to move on to the next event. Boom, here we go. People who care about me say things like, I should work to keep myself busy at this time. All I can do is say thank you, I will keep that in mind, while inside my brain is laughing.
For me, Life is just what comes my way. Those things that are unplanned or some how you didn't think would happen to you? Well, when they happen to me, I just figure I have to put one foot in front of the other and do it, Ill worry about how I feel about it later, then when later comes? Well its over now so...………. I guess its just a way I trick myself. That doesn't mean sometimes I don't kick and scream and fight the process, but if you notice, those are usually dumb things that really don't matter a hill of beans, like learning how to use the new computer or tv set up. The big things??????? Its just what life is, get out of my way and I will get this done. By the way, all, this applies to the super good things that happen as well as the bad.
Trust me, I'm not a fan of all the things I have to take care of, learn to do, get taken care of all alone now, but it has to be done so (sorry Jonathan) It is.... what it is.. because, yes, this is part of life I have absolutely no control over but I have to do it anyway. I have already made decisions since 2009 and taken care of things that I didn't want to have anything to do with but there was no one else to do it. Most of those decisions were way harder than hey, what should I wear today. And they will continue to be very hard for probably another year or so with just THIS part of life. Who knows what's next.
But now the most important thing I have to do, besides all the paperwork and financial related stuff, is figure out how to support Jonathan and his family. I am learning how to just listen, and not try to fix.. (yeah I know guys... I get how hard this is for you, Im there.) I cant fix this, I cant make anything any better for them. All I can do is try to direct them to the place or person who CAN help them. And then its up to them.
So a little rest and relaxation so that we can regroup and hit it running again tomorrow. Ramping up to the next phase of all of this.
I'm never good at ending these things.
So Happy Mother's Day to all who choose to celebrate, and Happy Sunday to those who don't. Me? its time for bed. Love you all.
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