Before I begin, let me include a disclaimer. For those who know nothing about my life, I assure you that this is all true if maybe somewhat out of order in a few places and you have no idea how much I have left out. For those who "rode this horse with me" You may want to choose to skip this part of my blog, Ive been told its a bit much to relive in a short amount of time. You decide. But don't say I didn't warn you. Also, if there are things that you think I have forgotten and need included, message me and let me know and I will include them.
Some how Sept 11 seems to be a good jumping off point. There are some events between when I was a child and that point that are important to how I got to this place on my path, but several of them are still not things I want to talk about or they involve events that involve others who probably don't want me to share their stories.
Sept 11, 2001 Don't need to say more, just know that we, the family who lived in the mountains with out tv by choice, GOT tv. The older kids were all at school, Jonathan was at work, the boys and I were at home just doing what we did then. A friend emailed me (yes the world before text messaging and tweeting!!!!!) and asked if I was watching TV. We don't have TV so we found a place that I could find news feed on the internet, just in time to watch the 2nd tower fall. I don't think I even today have to describe our thoughts, feelings, confusion about the situation. What was different for us was my husbands career field. He was in government service that involved being on a national level search, trauma and rescue team as well as his regular job. We had no idea what this was going to mean for our family at that moment. The Defining moment for us was when the phone rang, it was for Jonathan. He was given the option of going on "Detail" to an undisclosed location, for an undetermined length of time, to do an undetermined job in the service of his country and he had about 2 hours to decide. We had no idea still really what was happening nation wide, how could I say no, I don't want you to go, What about us? This is too frightening....... I mean this is OUR COUNTRY who needs him, right? So, Im just trying to figure out what to do next, when we look over at Abby who is quite literally curled up fetal on the couch crying. He calls them back and tells them that he feels someone has to be on THIS side of the country to hold the fort so he would just as soon like to stay here. Jonathans birthday is September 12. We had planned the first ever birthday party we had thrown for him. No one felt much like partying at that moment so, that year we went to the store and filled out his needs in the search and rescue gear line just in case he had to go to an undetermined place, for an undetermined length of time to do an undetermined job. He has hated his birthday ever since.
We got back to life on our quiet mountain much the same as before only we are just much more aware of the things around us than we were before. Maybe we watch "newcomers" a little more closely, and even those we have known a long time with a little more skepticism and distrust.
Life goes on, school activities dominate our lives and we enjoy every single thing the kids are involved in and thus we are involved in. The circle of our family attends as many things as possible
2002 Max graduates from high school. Band, sports, many things to be proud of. He goes off on a trip with the Lions Band. More high school activities for the girls!!!! We have a few friends who we do a few things with when we get the chance. Life on the mountain is great.
2003 October 9th Jonathan and I were in El Paso to pin his supervisor bars on. I am so proud of him and so pleased that he asked me to come pin him Phone calls are made, my uncle is coming by to pick me up. Never mind don't rush too much, my grandfather has passed away before we could get back to town. He had had ALS for 5 years. His mind was totally all there but his body had betrayed him. My grandmother had had a stroke several years before then a while later fell and broke her ankle. Now she and my grandfather were both in the same nursing home here in town. My mother went there at LEAST once a day, but usually every meal to go make sure her parents could eat. When she was out of town, sick or in any other reason couldn't not be there, I went. My boys LOVED going, I lost them at the front door and they cruised the halls seeing their friends. Eventually they would end up at the cafeteria, usually pushing a wheelchair or two of the friends they had made I am not sure which one benefited most from their visits, the two rowdy children or the elderly they visited.
Life goes on Ballet, Cheerleading, Work down the mountain, the boys are involved in many things now too
Thanksgiving and Christmas that year are weird.
2004
May, Liz graduates from high school. Sports, Band, OM/DI so many more things. Off we go on her senior cruise, what a blast. The food was AMAZING!!! How much weight did I gain? In HOW MANY days? The ocean, the dolphins!!!
June 9th My Grandmother passes away. They had been married 72 years They were 90.
Liz heads off to college. Where did the time go.
We move off the mountain into my grandparents house. Abby rides with a friend up and down the mountain every day to school.
Thanksgiving and Christmas that year are weird.
I know there are many events that I am leaving out in this but its so much to take in at one time so I think this is a very good place to stop for this episode.
To be continued next year.......................................
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
I Need a Pensive Chapter 2
According to Merriam Webster:
Nightmare
1. an evil spirit formerly thought to oppress people during sleep
2 a frightening dream that usually awakens the sleeper
3 something (as an experience, situation, or object) having the monstrous character of a nightmare or producing a feeling of anxiety or terror
And:
Full Definition of FLASHBACK
1
: a recession of flame to an unwanted position (as into a blowpipe)
2
a : interruption of chronological sequence (as in a film or literary work) by interjection of events of earlier occurrence; also : an instance of flashback
b : a past incident recurring vividly in the mind
The Mayo Clinic defines:
I have had nightmares pretty much my whole memory. It was recognized in my family when I was 2. Until I was 2 I slept in a crib in my parents bedroom. Some time around 2.5 I was moved into "my own room". Not long after that, in order to get sleep herself, I guess, my mom moved me back to the crib in her room. Even at that age, there are two specific nightmares that I remember having. I was back in my parents room till I was somewhere over 4.
Time line of other events in life. 1959, I was born. Life was normal, till one day my mother takes me in to the doctor for some of my baby shots, I believe the 6 month shots. The doctor looks at my sister who is 4 years older than I am. He tells my mom let him look at her too. She is diagnosed with Leukemia. Life changes. I turned 2 in October and on New Years Eve, we loose her. Do I remember her? Yes, I actually have memories that we have traced to about the time I was 9 months old for sure. There are others that are more nebulous and could be earlier or later.
1963 I have a birthday. November 22, my mother is in the kitchen cooking lunch while I am watching tv in the livingroom. I am watching a procession going through Dallas. Who knows what influences children some times, but for what ever reason I apparently adored JFK so I was watching. My mother didn't have any idea what was going on until I suddenly became hysterical screaming, "THEY SHOT HIM< THEY SHOT HIM!!!!! Short version here is that I was glued to the TV through every event that came after that.
Nightmares expand. We have no idea there even IS such a thing as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder back then.
In college, when a friend was taking a class on dream therapy, and I was her guinea pig due to several life long reoccurring dreams, we figured out that the men in dark suits with wires coming out of their heads and rifles and hand guns at my door when no one else was home, were secret service men. She got an A on that paper and those dreams pretty much went away, only to rear their ugly head once or twice in the last 30 years.
It was the family joke that I slept with all of my toys in my bed with me. You know that scene in ET where he is in the closet surrounded by stuffed toys so no one realizes that he is there? I was doing that way before ET. If everything was in my bed with me, no one could see ME. Well, the only toy NOT in my bed was my clown. His name was Guckenheimer. He laughed at me sometimes and it made me mad.
I always tell people that I am the person who doesn't have abandonment issues as I figured out that people leave you when I was 2 years old. This really is true, over all I had a very normal upbringing and things rocked along fine. However, I also learned at a very early age to not make friends with people who you know to start with are going to only be around a short time. That was pretty tough in a small military based town. So I learned pretty early to take care of myself and be happy in my own skin. I learned to be a "watcher".
If things in my formative years had been different, would I be different? In some ways probably, but I was also what was called PAINFULLY SHY. I hid behind my dads legs. My first grade teacher called my parents in, I kid you not, to ask them if they didn't allow me to talk or what? (Yeah I cover that part of me pretty well now) But honestly, I am still very uncomfortable in most group situations.
Many of my nightmares have always involved groups of people and being lost, or everyone else going somewhere but being unable to join them or groups of people being in attack mode. (No NOT zombies)
As I go back and read over this, I am sure it won't seem to be that big of a deal to most. I still am not sure of the connections between these events and my subconscious. But its there.
You would also think that by the time I was an adult I could just let things go, like practice what I preach to others. The thing is, in my sunshine world, I CAN let it all go mostly. Its what happens when the shields are down and I am asleep. And after a while when I am in what I refer to as a dream cycle, I get to be afraid to try to sleep and to let those shields down.
And I am in a cycle, so now I am off to read a book for a while before I try to catch a couple hours sleep. I will return as I have just scratched the surface of my emptying my brain. I just hope this helps.
2 a frightening dream that usually awakens the sleeper
3 something (as an experience, situation, or object) having the monstrous character of a nightmare or producing a feeling of anxiety or terror
And:
Full Definition of FLASHBACK
1
: a recession of flame to an unwanted position (as into a blowpipe)
2
a : interruption of chronological sequence (as in a film or literary work) by interjection of events of earlier occurrence; also : an instance of flashback
b : a past incident recurring vividly in the mind
The Mayo Clinic defines:
I have had nightmares pretty much my whole memory. It was recognized in my family when I was 2. Until I was 2 I slept in a crib in my parents bedroom. Some time around 2.5 I was moved into "my own room". Not long after that, in order to get sleep herself, I guess, my mom moved me back to the crib in her room. Even at that age, there are two specific nightmares that I remember having. I was back in my parents room till I was somewhere over 4.
Time line of other events in life. 1959, I was born. Life was normal, till one day my mother takes me in to the doctor for some of my baby shots, I believe the 6 month shots. The doctor looks at my sister who is 4 years older than I am. He tells my mom let him look at her too. She is diagnosed with Leukemia. Life changes. I turned 2 in October and on New Years Eve, we loose her. Do I remember her? Yes, I actually have memories that we have traced to about the time I was 9 months old for sure. There are others that are more nebulous and could be earlier or later.
1963 I have a birthday. November 22, my mother is in the kitchen cooking lunch while I am watching tv in the livingroom. I am watching a procession going through Dallas. Who knows what influences children some times, but for what ever reason I apparently adored JFK so I was watching. My mother didn't have any idea what was going on until I suddenly became hysterical screaming, "THEY SHOT HIM< THEY SHOT HIM!!!!! Short version here is that I was glued to the TV through every event that came after that.
Nightmares expand. We have no idea there even IS such a thing as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder back then.
In college, when a friend was taking a class on dream therapy, and I was her guinea pig due to several life long reoccurring dreams, we figured out that the men in dark suits with wires coming out of their heads and rifles and hand guns at my door when no one else was home, were secret service men. She got an A on that paper and those dreams pretty much went away, only to rear their ugly head once or twice in the last 30 years.
It was the family joke that I slept with all of my toys in my bed with me. You know that scene in ET where he is in the closet surrounded by stuffed toys so no one realizes that he is there? I was doing that way before ET. If everything was in my bed with me, no one could see ME. Well, the only toy NOT in my bed was my clown. His name was Guckenheimer. He laughed at me sometimes and it made me mad.
I always tell people that I am the person who doesn't have abandonment issues as I figured out that people leave you when I was 2 years old. This really is true, over all I had a very normal upbringing and things rocked along fine. However, I also learned at a very early age to not make friends with people who you know to start with are going to only be around a short time. That was pretty tough in a small military based town. So I learned pretty early to take care of myself and be happy in my own skin. I learned to be a "watcher".
If things in my formative years had been different, would I be different? In some ways probably, but I was also what was called PAINFULLY SHY. I hid behind my dads legs. My first grade teacher called my parents in, I kid you not, to ask them if they didn't allow me to talk or what? (Yeah I cover that part of me pretty well now) But honestly, I am still very uncomfortable in most group situations.
Many of my nightmares have always involved groups of people and being lost, or everyone else going somewhere but being unable to join them or groups of people being in attack mode. (No NOT zombies)
As I go back and read over this, I am sure it won't seem to be that big of a deal to most. I still am not sure of the connections between these events and my subconscious. But its there.
You would also think that by the time I was an adult I could just let things go, like practice what I preach to others. The thing is, in my sunshine world, I CAN let it all go mostly. Its what happens when the shields are down and I am asleep. And after a while when I am in what I refer to as a dream cycle, I get to be afraid to try to sleep and to let those shields down.
And I am in a cycle, so now I am off to read a book for a while before I try to catch a couple hours sleep. I will return as I have just scratched the surface of my emptying my brain. I just hope this helps.
1
: a recession of flame to an unwanted position (as into a blowpipe)
2
a : interruption of chronological sequence (as in a film or literary work) by interjection of events of earlier occurrence; also : an instance of flashback
b : a past incident recurring vividly in the mind
The Mayo Clinic defines:
I have had nightmares pretty much my whole memory. It was recognized in my family when I was 2. Until I was 2 I slept in a crib in my parents bedroom. Some time around 2.5 I was moved into "my own room". Not long after that, in order to get sleep herself, I guess, my mom moved me back to the crib in her room. Even at that age, there are two specific nightmares that I remember having. I was back in my parents room till I was somewhere over 4.
Time line of other events in life. 1959, I was born. Life was normal, till one day my mother takes me in to the doctor for some of my baby shots, I believe the 6 month shots. The doctor looks at my sister who is 4 years older than I am. He tells my mom let him look at her too. She is diagnosed with Leukemia. Life changes. I turned 2 in October and on New Years Eve, we loose her. Do I remember her? Yes, I actually have memories that we have traced to about the time I was 9 months old for sure. There are others that are more nebulous and could be earlier or later.
1963 I have a birthday. November 22, my mother is in the kitchen cooking lunch while I am watching tv in the livingroom. I am watching a procession going through Dallas. Who knows what influences children some times, but for what ever reason I apparently adored JFK so I was watching. My mother didn't have any idea what was going on until I suddenly became hysterical screaming, "THEY SHOT HIM< THEY SHOT HIM!!!!! Short version here is that I was glued to the TV through every event that came after that.
Nightmares expand. We have no idea there even IS such a thing as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder back then.
In college, when a friend was taking a class on dream therapy, and I was her guinea pig due to several life long reoccurring dreams, we figured out that the men in dark suits with wires coming out of their heads and rifles and hand guns at my door when no one else was home, were secret service men. She got an A on that paper and those dreams pretty much went away, only to rear their ugly head once or twice in the last 30 years.
It was the family joke that I slept with all of my toys in my bed with me. You know that scene in ET where he is in the closet surrounded by stuffed toys so no one realizes that he is there? I was doing that way before ET. If everything was in my bed with me, no one could see ME. Well, the only toy NOT in my bed was my clown. His name was Guckenheimer. He laughed at me sometimes and it made me mad.
It was the family joke that I slept with all of my toys in my bed with me. You know that scene in ET where he is in the closet surrounded by stuffed toys so no one realizes that he is there? I was doing that way before ET. If everything was in my bed with me, no one could see ME. Well, the only toy NOT in my bed was my clown. His name was Guckenheimer. He laughed at me sometimes and it made me mad.
I always tell people that I am the person who doesn't have abandonment issues as I figured out that people leave you when I was 2 years old. This really is true, over all I had a very normal upbringing and things rocked along fine. However, I also learned at a very early age to not make friends with people who you know to start with are going to only be around a short time. That was pretty tough in a small military based town. So I learned pretty early to take care of myself and be happy in my own skin. I learned to be a "watcher".
If things in my formative years had been different, would I be different? In some ways probably, but I was also what was called PAINFULLY SHY. I hid behind my dads legs. My first grade teacher called my parents in, I kid you not, to ask them if they didn't allow me to talk or what? (Yeah I cover that part of me pretty well now) But honestly, I am still very uncomfortable in most group situations.
Many of my nightmares have always involved groups of people and being lost, or everyone else going somewhere but being unable to join them or groups of people being in attack mode. (No NOT zombies)
As I go back and read over this, I am sure it won't seem to be that big of a deal to most. I still am not sure of the connections between these events and my subconscious. But its there.
You would also think that by the time I was an adult I could just let things go, like practice what I preach to others. The thing is, in my sunshine world, I CAN let it all go mostly. Its what happens when the shields are down and I am asleep. And after a while when I am in what I refer to as a dream cycle, I get to be afraid to try to sleep and to let those shields down.
And I am in a cycle, so now I am off to read a book for a while before I try to catch a couple hours sleep. I will return as I have just scratched the surface of my emptying my brain. I just hope this helps.
If things in my formative years had been different, would I be different? In some ways probably, but I was also what was called PAINFULLY SHY. I hid behind my dads legs. My first grade teacher called my parents in, I kid you not, to ask them if they didn't allow me to talk or what? (Yeah I cover that part of me pretty well now) But honestly, I am still very uncomfortable in most group situations.
Many of my nightmares have always involved groups of people and being lost, or everyone else going somewhere but being unable to join them or groups of people being in attack mode. (No NOT zombies)
As I go back and read over this, I am sure it won't seem to be that big of a deal to most. I still am not sure of the connections between these events and my subconscious. But its there.
You would also think that by the time I was an adult I could just let things go, like practice what I preach to others. The thing is, in my sunshine world, I CAN let it all go mostly. Its what happens when the shields are down and I am asleep. And after a while when I am in what I refer to as a dream cycle, I get to be afraid to try to sleep and to let those shields down.
And I am in a cycle, so now I am off to read a book for a while before I try to catch a couple hours sleep. I will return as I have just scratched the surface of my emptying my brain. I just hope this helps.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
I Need a Pensive
Sometimes when big things happen, words back up in my head and seem to clog up. I can almost picture them standing around at the entrance to the slide where they come out. Its almost like the scene in one of the Marx Brothers movies, the one in the ship cabin that they cram 90 people in and then try to get them back out again all shoulder to shoulder trying to fight their way through a narrow door but unable to get by the one next to them.
Events of this week have caused that clog in my brain, again. So many thinks to think, so few that probably need to come out my mouth. But where for them to go? So, they just bump around inside there keeping me from peace.
The first thing in the last 2 days is that I have never been the person who believed in "letting nature take its course," Or "letting God plan my family" or "society owes me birth control" So I "controlled" my fertility and gave birth to four children. I was, also, third of four children born to my parents. I have always told people that I didn't believe in having only children unless there was no way around it as kids need other kids around them. I wont go into any more of my reasons for that belief here as it really doesn't matter to my story.
Fast forward a whole lot of years to just a few years ago. My dad is diagnosed with lung cancer. The short version of my story is that by this time, in my 50s, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I only have one sibling left, my older brother, who is not in a position, due to his own life choices, to be by my side as decisions are made as to Dads options and care. We go through a year of treatment, we have our ups and downs, things look bleak, things look good, things ARE bleak again. Then things go BLACK. This is it, sooner than we thought but who is ever ready to loose someone they love, respect, depend on to be that compass in life, who you KNOW you are not through learning from every single day. We have our little band around us, my mom (they were married for 57 years, by the way, and that is a fairy tale story I will tell sometime too.) my husband, my brother by telephone when he can call, and my nephew who is "holding the fort" for the last couple weeks. We get through it, we put one foot in front of the other and keep going, we move on, life becomes a new normal.
Ten months later, I lose my only remaining sibling. And now, I am an only child. My mom is almost 82. Life continues to change, in some very drastic ways. But it goes on.
This whole back story brings me to this week. Here we are, at a party for a new friends birthday, in a room filled with other new friends. Only our little circle, Jonathan, Abby, Malachi and I have any real history together. The phone rings, the jokes start about who it could be. Jonathan says "Its my mom" He answers. He jovially starts talking to his beloved mother. He stops and listens. Suddenly, we all realize that we are staring at him, watching his face suddenly draw in, his body still, his eyes cloud. My new friend turns her head and looks at me and asks, "Is this serious?" We all saw the change. "Yes, this is something serious." We all freeze in place until he hangs up.
"My dad had a heart attack and is on the way to the hospital." The flurry starts, everyone, it seems, is on a smart phone. Some looking for rental car places to see who is open on a Sunday afternoon, Some calling those places, some looking for airlines. Jonathan wants a rental car, the only place open is at the airport. Jonathan is calling his brother to see what he wants to do, he lives in Albuquerque. "Let me know what you decide, Bubba" Jody and I remain adamant that he should fly down there and either rent a car or get a ride there. There will be cars to use there. Guess what, it is about 3 in the afternoon, and there is a flight leaving just after 5. We are less than 10 miles from the airport. We get in the car and drive.
"Do you want to park and we will come in with you until we know what you are doing?"
"No, it is easier to just let me out here, I will text you when I know something".
It would have taken us 2 hours to drive home, some time to gather his stuff, and 2 hours back to the airport, so we let him out of the car at the entrance to El Paso International Airport with the clothes on his back. With the word we had at the time, standing in front of my vehicle, cars and people moving in seeming slow motion all around, (you know, that tunnel vision thing that they do with camera tricks on TV) He said, "I don't think I'm ever going to see my dad again" That half of my brain that talks to the other half with out any others knowing the words are rattling around in there looked over and said to the other half of my brain, "I've been there, I've done that, I have no words of comfort for you, I don't know what to do because I'm sending you there alone" That other "Me" inside my head curled up fetal.
Ok, so this is taking way more words than I thought it would take, but here we are to where I was going with all of this.
Children should not be "only children" because in my mind it is not good for them when they ARE children. BUT< that said, there will come the OTHER END of the spectrum as well. It is not fair, fun or easy to be the ONLY making decisions and seeing to the care and comfort of elderly parents.
I know that making decisions in groups is not always easy either but just knowing there is someone there, ya know? Someone with the whole history. It took me over night to remember that when Jonathan landed in San Antonio, he would have his sister there, over night we got plane tickets to get his brother there. It was hard for me not to be there by my husbands side where I belong, but knowing that honestly in this case I have no right, responsibility, or need to make decisions here, made things a little easier for me. I have to remind myself that this is not at all the same as it is in the case here back at home As his dad continues to recover, there are many more options for them because there are more of them. And the blessing here is that he IS on a road to recovery. Again, on the way to a new normal, but it will come. All of them surrounding each other can not hurt the situation at all!!!
And I will continue to 'hold the fort" here at home until we need to reevaluate.
I also just want to put out there for anyone who wants to read this far, one of the keys to all of this working, without mass hysteria, anger, and hard feelings is to talk about these issues over time. This is a whole other blog post that I think I will eventually get to but just know, if you spend years talking about options, ideas, what ifs, what does that PERSON WANT to have happen when they have little ability to make choices themselves, it is much easier to MAKE those decisions with a clear conscience. Its much easier to decide in a group when everyone may have their own opinions, but they know what the loved one wants to see happen in various scenarios. It doesn't mean that you wont make mistakes. I know that with my dad, I did some things right and I did a couple wrong. I am trying still to get past the decisions I made that were wrong, but it will be ok.
So if you find these types of discussions to be uncomfortable, morbid, or just icky, Do it ANYWAY.
If you haven't talked about these things with parents, siblings, to your own children, START TODAY!
Ok, maybe one thing out of my brain for more peace tonight.
Events of this week have caused that clog in my brain, again. So many thinks to think, so few that probably need to come out my mouth. But where for them to go? So, they just bump around inside there keeping me from peace.
The first thing in the last 2 days is that I have never been the person who believed in "letting nature take its course," Or "letting God plan my family" or "society owes me birth control" So I "controlled" my fertility and gave birth to four children. I was, also, third of four children born to my parents. I have always told people that I didn't believe in having only children unless there was no way around it as kids need other kids around them. I wont go into any more of my reasons for that belief here as it really doesn't matter to my story.
Fast forward a whole lot of years to just a few years ago. My dad is diagnosed with lung cancer. The short version of my story is that by this time, in my 50s, due to circumstances way beyond my control, I only have one sibling left, my older brother, who is not in a position, due to his own life choices, to be by my side as decisions are made as to Dads options and care. We go through a year of treatment, we have our ups and downs, things look bleak, things look good, things ARE bleak again. Then things go BLACK. This is it, sooner than we thought but who is ever ready to loose someone they love, respect, depend on to be that compass in life, who you KNOW you are not through learning from every single day. We have our little band around us, my mom (they were married for 57 years, by the way, and that is a fairy tale story I will tell sometime too.) my husband, my brother by telephone when he can call, and my nephew who is "holding the fort" for the last couple weeks. We get through it, we put one foot in front of the other and keep going, we move on, life becomes a new normal.
Ten months later, I lose my only remaining sibling. And now, I am an only child. My mom is almost 82. Life continues to change, in some very drastic ways. But it goes on.
This whole back story brings me to this week. Here we are, at a party for a new friends birthday, in a room filled with other new friends. Only our little circle, Jonathan, Abby, Malachi and I have any real history together. The phone rings, the jokes start about who it could be. Jonathan says "Its my mom" He answers. He jovially starts talking to his beloved mother. He stops and listens. Suddenly, we all realize that we are staring at him, watching his face suddenly draw in, his body still, his eyes cloud. My new friend turns her head and looks at me and asks, "Is this serious?" We all saw the change. "Yes, this is something serious." We all freeze in place until he hangs up.
"My dad had a heart attack and is on the way to the hospital." The flurry starts, everyone, it seems, is on a smart phone. Some looking for rental car places to see who is open on a Sunday afternoon, Some calling those places, some looking for airlines. Jonathan wants a rental car, the only place open is at the airport. Jonathan is calling his brother to see what he wants to do, he lives in Albuquerque. "Let me know what you decide, Bubba" Jody and I remain adamant that he should fly down there and either rent a car or get a ride there. There will be cars to use there. Guess what, it is about 3 in the afternoon, and there is a flight leaving just after 5. We are less than 10 miles from the airport. We get in the car and drive.
"Do you want to park and we will come in with you until we know what you are doing?"
"No, it is easier to just let me out here, I will text you when I know something".
It would have taken us 2 hours to drive home, some time to gather his stuff, and 2 hours back to the airport, so we let him out of the car at the entrance to El Paso International Airport with the clothes on his back. With the word we had at the time, standing in front of my vehicle, cars and people moving in seeming slow motion all around, (you know, that tunnel vision thing that they do with camera tricks on TV) He said, "I don't think I'm ever going to see my dad again" That half of my brain that talks to the other half with out any others knowing the words are rattling around in there looked over and said to the other half of my brain, "I've been there, I've done that, I have no words of comfort for you, I don't know what to do because I'm sending you there alone" That other "Me" inside my head curled up fetal.
Ok, so this is taking way more words than I thought it would take, but here we are to where I was going with all of this.
Children should not be "only children" because in my mind it is not good for them when they ARE children. BUT< that said, there will come the OTHER END of the spectrum as well. It is not fair, fun or easy to be the ONLY making decisions and seeing to the care and comfort of elderly parents.
I know that making decisions in groups is not always easy either but just knowing there is someone there, ya know? Someone with the whole history. It took me over night to remember that when Jonathan landed in San Antonio, he would have his sister there, over night we got plane tickets to get his brother there. It was hard for me not to be there by my husbands side where I belong, but knowing that honestly in this case I have no right, responsibility, or need to make decisions here, made things a little easier for me. I have to remind myself that this is not at all the same as it is in the case here back at home As his dad continues to recover, there are many more options for them because there are more of them. And the blessing here is that he IS on a road to recovery. Again, on the way to a new normal, but it will come. All of them surrounding each other can not hurt the situation at all!!!
And I will continue to 'hold the fort" here at home until we need to reevaluate.
I also just want to put out there for anyone who wants to read this far, one of the keys to all of this working, without mass hysteria, anger, and hard feelings is to talk about these issues over time. This is a whole other blog post that I think I will eventually get to but just know, if you spend years talking about options, ideas, what ifs, what does that PERSON WANT to have happen when they have little ability to make choices themselves, it is much easier to MAKE those decisions with a clear conscience. Its much easier to decide in a group when everyone may have their own opinions, but they know what the loved one wants to see happen in various scenarios. It doesn't mean that you wont make mistakes. I know that with my dad, I did some things right and I did a couple wrong. I am trying still to get past the decisions I made that were wrong, but it will be ok.
So if you find these types of discussions to be uncomfortable, morbid, or just icky, Do it ANYWAY.
If you haven't talked about these things with parents, siblings, to your own children, START TODAY!
Ok, maybe one thing out of my brain for more peace tonight.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Personal Mission Statement Part 1
I will have my personal mission statement completed by the end of the month. Who am I and what do I want to achieve. Ala Dave Ramsey's Mission Statement Worksheet.
Actually step one is probably the hardest part of all of this for me. So if anyone wanted to add things to this step with me, let me know.
Step 1: Your skills and abilities
List your skills and abilities in the space provided. Examples include: organization, teaching, planning, system development, musical talent.
Ok first of all I finally looked up system development to find out exactally what that was and yeah, I am NOT in any way good at that. But now I have a definition and picture of what I NEED to be good at on that one.
I am a crafty person, I listen pretty well, most of the time, I cook well, I am very concerned about the people around me and their well being.
I am very adaptable as far as fitting in to other peoples methods of doing things. I am good at helping other people achieve their dreams.
I read,
I USED to be good at teaching but I am not so sure I am any more.
Step 2 Your Personality Traits: list your personality traits in the space provided Examples include: creative, theoretical, studious, analytical, expressive, verbal, adventurous, dominant, cheerful, playful, solemn, outgoing, logical.
This one is probably the easiest for me
creative, verbal, solemn, loyal to a fault, reserved, rooted, studious, concerned but not necessarily compassionate. I see the best that other people CAN be. I get disappointed fairly easily though.
I harbor guilt when I shouldn't, I try to be logical and see to the other side of the box before I make a decision.
Step 3: Your values, dreams, and passions: List your values, dreams, and passions in the space provided.
values I know pretty well, I can sort of tell you what I feel passionate about anymore but dreams, That is the sticking point for me.
I am passionate about my family, about other people being passionate about THIER families, I am passionate about my faith. I am passionate about those I care about achieving their goals and doing all they are capable of doing.
Values? Honesty, openness, accountability, activeness is apparently a value, and I value being active and the people around me being active
alertness, yeah sure
This list I am looking at includes amazement and amusement Yeah amazement..... "Something AMAZING I guess.... yeah that fits.
amusement. You better be prepared for my strange sense of humor. I never know when it is going to jump out and grab someone.
BALANCE!!!! Oh My Gosh yes I guess I DO value that
Credibility Dependability Drive, Ethics Faith Family Fierceness Yeah I think that is something I value
Gratitude
Intelligence
Loyalty
Peace
Resilience
Punctuality
Trust
Teamwork
Now as for dreams. I can tell you the dreams I have for everyone else, but as for my own? Who even knows.
So, giving my writing a little more time to gel and sink in, if there are things anyone who knows me thinks about adding? let me know.
Step 4: My personal Mission Statement
Actually step one is probably the hardest part of all of this for me. So if anyone wanted to add things to this step with me, let me know.
Step 1: Your skills and abilities
List your skills and abilities in the space provided. Examples include: organization, teaching, planning, system development, musical talent.
Ok first of all I finally looked up system development to find out exactally what that was and yeah, I am NOT in any way good at that. But now I have a definition and picture of what I NEED to be good at on that one.
I am a crafty person, I listen pretty well, most of the time, I cook well, I am very concerned about the people around me and their well being.
I am very adaptable as far as fitting in to other peoples methods of doing things. I am good at helping other people achieve their dreams.
I read,
I USED to be good at teaching but I am not so sure I am any more.
Step 2 Your Personality Traits: list your personality traits in the space provided Examples include: creative, theoretical, studious, analytical, expressive, verbal, adventurous, dominant, cheerful, playful, solemn, outgoing, logical.
This one is probably the easiest for me
creative, verbal, solemn, loyal to a fault, reserved, rooted, studious, concerned but not necessarily compassionate. I see the best that other people CAN be. I get disappointed fairly easily though.
I harbor guilt when I shouldn't, I try to be logical and see to the other side of the box before I make a decision.
Step 3: Your values, dreams, and passions: List your values, dreams, and passions in the space provided.
values I know pretty well, I can sort of tell you what I feel passionate about anymore but dreams, That is the sticking point for me.
I am passionate about my family, about other people being passionate about THIER families, I am passionate about my faith. I am passionate about those I care about achieving their goals and doing all they are capable of doing.
Values? Honesty, openness, accountability, activeness is apparently a value, and I value being active and the people around me being active
alertness, yeah sure
This list I am looking at includes amazement and amusement Yeah amazement..... "Something AMAZING I guess.... yeah that fits.
amusement. You better be prepared for my strange sense of humor. I never know when it is going to jump out and grab someone.
BALANCE!!!! Oh My Gosh yes I guess I DO value that
Credibility Dependability Drive, Ethics Faith Family Fierceness Yeah I think that is something I value
Gratitude
Intelligence
Loyalty
Peace
Resilience
Punctuality
Trust
Teamwork
Now as for dreams. I can tell you the dreams I have for everyone else, but as for my own? Who even knows.
So, giving my writing a little more time to gel and sink in, if there are things anyone who knows me thinks about adding? let me know.
Step 4: My personal Mission Statement
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
10 hours walking in NYC Video as seen from my front door
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB8QqQIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Db1XGPvbWn0A&ei=HoNTVKrPIcGhyASmgIL4Bg&usg=AFQjCNE2W0KKqv2NX89BP1PsuW7z-xx1NQ&sig2=hpVcb62W3KU0wmyerbkEKA&bvm=bv.78677474,d.aWw
For any one who has seen this video, I know you have thoughts and feelings. In our culture there is nothing but controversy on how men deal with women. I am not excusing or agreeing with anything in this video but I do have my own comments to share.
Back a world away from here during the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings in 1991, America was riveted to out news media. Well, at least a group of local business men in a small town in New Mexico were. This group got together at a particular "coffee shop" restaurant at least once a day and several of them went to this place two or three times a day for coffee, conversation, lunch, male bonding. These were all mature men in their 50s and 60s. Most of them happily married men who as I say were all business owners and very upstanding men. As they watched the proceedings, their behavior in the coffee shop began to change. Each morning, they started making comments to their waitresses such as, Why did ya wear THAT to work today? or (remember this?) You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny. After a few weeks of this, one of the waitresses finally breaks down and asks them.. "What is going on?????" The answer from this group was... Well, we have realized thanks to all this stuff that if we come in here like we used to and tell you you look nice today, or you are pretty or even ask how you feel today, you could sue us for sexual harassment.. sooooooo We have no choice if we want to acknowledge you. Hummm gave me something to think about.
Further back in the land of the lost, when I was a teenager we go. I have to say with out bragging in any way, I was blonde, greeneyed, 110 lbs 5' 10" with the girl next door kind of cuteness, I was told.
I was kind of quiet, actually pretty much painfully shy but enjoyed life around me. I cant say that boys my age had a lot to do with me because I was also told that I conveyed an attitude to those my own age of superiority. (Really guys, I was just painfully shy and was trying to not run away from converstaions) But, out in public, I was on the receiving end of many of those kind of "catcalls" that this young woman was experiencing even in our small town. I was NOT the teenager who flirted, who wiggled her tushy to draw attention, who wore the shortest skirts possible, or most of the other popular clothing of the time. I did however have men who were old enough to know better, men in a service organization that my father and grandfather belonged to say inappropriate things to me and actually put their hands on me in inappropriate ways. One night at a party for this organization, one of the men looped his finger through the ring on the zipper to the jumpsuit I was wearing and asked me what would happen if he pulled the golden ring??? After I told him that he would find himself on the floor when that pull would bring my knee into his crotch, he got huffy and walked away.. Yes ladies this was in a crowed room full of upstanding people. My friend who was standing there with me told me that I should Never have said that to this man as he was a friend of our fathers and was in a position to cause my dad and my grandfather "trouble" and it was rude anyway... Ummm no ma'am my parents taught me that I have the right and responsibility to protect myself and what HE did was wrong. But I dindt need to run to my dad or grandfather as I could protect myself. The end of that story was that after several of these episodes with this man and a couple of others, when this organization started a Wives Auxillary to the organization, my mother, my grandmother and I were NOT extended the invitation to join. My mother was told that it was because several of the other wives considered ME TO BE TROUBLE!!!!!!! I was told that all I did was flirt with their husbands.
Watch tv, or movies. Construction workers are many times portrayed as the "type" who shouts rude things at women from up on the rafters as if they have nothing better to do that sit and watch for pretty women, instead of actually BUILDING THAT BUILDING. Then there is the flip side of those same shows.. where the women get upset when the men stop or they catcall at one of them and not another.. it elicits the what's wrong with me feeling in that woman.
For all this, just take a look around the internet, facebook, and other social media. I personally hate it when I am confronted with cartoons and jokes presented by men who have little or no respect for women (in my opinion) who think that those jokes and cartoons are hysterical, that present women as noisy, annoying, ugly, and should only be seen and not heard. Men, let me tell you, these jokes are not funny, they are not even mildly amusing and they do not make us want to be around you to cater to your every need and wish.
Now, that all said, I did not grow up in a city, I did not live as an adult in a city, I do not have a great deal of experience with "cat calls" out in public, I have never been a man, but I believe that this issue is much deeper than it seems. Women really do want to be acknowledged as attractive, even sometimes by a stranger it can make you feel just a little bit better about your world. Men, REAL MEN, want to be able to see an attractive woman and not feel like he is committing a crime.
I think this video was very interesting and very informative in a number of ways that were not really obvious. Go back and watch it a few more times and see all the men who did NOT make this woman feel objectified. Go back and watch it a few more times and see the men who "looked but did not touch". Go back and watch the video a few more times and see the women who were NOT being perused by these "creepy men" And lets start a dialogue about those people.
Just a view from my front window.
For any one who has seen this video, I know you have thoughts and feelings. In our culture there is nothing but controversy on how men deal with women. I am not excusing or agreeing with anything in this video but I do have my own comments to share.
Back a world away from here during the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings in 1991, America was riveted to out news media. Well, at least a group of local business men in a small town in New Mexico were. This group got together at a particular "coffee shop" restaurant at least once a day and several of them went to this place two or three times a day for coffee, conversation, lunch, male bonding. These were all mature men in their 50s and 60s. Most of them happily married men who as I say were all business owners and very upstanding men. As they watched the proceedings, their behavior in the coffee shop began to change. Each morning, they started making comments to their waitresses such as, Why did ya wear THAT to work today? or (remember this?) You are ugly and your mother dresses you funny. After a few weeks of this, one of the waitresses finally breaks down and asks them.. "What is going on?????" The answer from this group was... Well, we have realized thanks to all this stuff that if we come in here like we used to and tell you you look nice today, or you are pretty or even ask how you feel today, you could sue us for sexual harassment.. sooooooo We have no choice if we want to acknowledge you. Hummm gave me something to think about.
Further back in the land of the lost, when I was a teenager we go. I have to say with out bragging in any way, I was blonde, greeneyed, 110 lbs 5' 10" with the girl next door kind of cuteness, I was told.
I was kind of quiet, actually pretty much painfully shy but enjoyed life around me. I cant say that boys my age had a lot to do with me because I was also told that I conveyed an attitude to those my own age of superiority. (Really guys, I was just painfully shy and was trying to not run away from converstaions) But, out in public, I was on the receiving end of many of those kind of "catcalls" that this young woman was experiencing even in our small town. I was NOT the teenager who flirted, who wiggled her tushy to draw attention, who wore the shortest skirts possible, or most of the other popular clothing of the time. I did however have men who were old enough to know better, men in a service organization that my father and grandfather belonged to say inappropriate things to me and actually put their hands on me in inappropriate ways. One night at a party for this organization, one of the men looped his finger through the ring on the zipper to the jumpsuit I was wearing and asked me what would happen if he pulled the golden ring??? After I told him that he would find himself on the floor when that pull would bring my knee into his crotch, he got huffy and walked away.. Yes ladies this was in a crowed room full of upstanding people. My friend who was standing there with me told me that I should Never have said that to this man as he was a friend of our fathers and was in a position to cause my dad and my grandfather "trouble" and it was rude anyway... Ummm no ma'am my parents taught me that I have the right and responsibility to protect myself and what HE did was wrong. But I dindt need to run to my dad or grandfather as I could protect myself. The end of that story was that after several of these episodes with this man and a couple of others, when this organization started a Wives Auxillary to the organization, my mother, my grandmother and I were NOT extended the invitation to join. My mother was told that it was because several of the other wives considered ME TO BE TROUBLE!!!!!!! I was told that all I did was flirt with their husbands.
Watch tv, or movies. Construction workers are many times portrayed as the "type" who shouts rude things at women from up on the rafters as if they have nothing better to do that sit and watch for pretty women, instead of actually BUILDING THAT BUILDING. Then there is the flip side of those same shows.. where the women get upset when the men stop or they catcall at one of them and not another.. it elicits the what's wrong with me feeling in that woman.
For all this, just take a look around the internet, facebook, and other social media. I personally hate it when I am confronted with cartoons and jokes presented by men who have little or no respect for women (in my opinion) who think that those jokes and cartoons are hysterical, that present women as noisy, annoying, ugly, and should only be seen and not heard. Men, let me tell you, these jokes are not funny, they are not even mildly amusing and they do not make us want to be around you to cater to your every need and wish.
Now, that all said, I did not grow up in a city, I did not live as an adult in a city, I do not have a great deal of experience with "cat calls" out in public, I have never been a man, but I believe that this issue is much deeper than it seems. Women really do want to be acknowledged as attractive, even sometimes by a stranger it can make you feel just a little bit better about your world. Men, REAL MEN, want to be able to see an attractive woman and not feel like he is committing a crime.
I think this video was very interesting and very informative in a number of ways that were not really obvious. Go back and watch it a few more times and see all the men who did NOT make this woman feel objectified. Go back and watch it a few more times and see the men who "looked but did not touch". Go back and watch the video a few more times and see the women who were NOT being perused by these "creepy men" And lets start a dialogue about those people.
Just a view from my front window.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
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