DAY ONE OF GETTING IT TOGETHER.

 

Tonight I end my day by shining my kitchen sink. 

Today, I begin my days with making my bed.  Sounds simple, and maybe for many it is.  There are many reasons that for me it has never been simple, but today, I strive to give myself at least one single task that gets COMPLETED.  I strive to give myself a reason to think that no matter what happened today, there was order and organization somewhere.  I strive to give myself a reason to believe that tomorrow will be better.

It will soak in hot water and bleach till morning

Feet and Their Outlook on Summer

Feet on the turtle tank. Feet at the beach.

 

Feet at the hot springs, Feet at the  "GREEK"

Feet buried in the sand, feet sneeking a peek

Shoes looking like feet. For feet not ready to share.

If I squat down and look away, you cant see me

Have you ever known anyone who, maybe, you understood some things about them better than they understood themselves? 

Have you ever known anyone who suddenly and very completely removed their circle from the small place your circles intersected in your collective Venn Diagram? 

Have you ever watched this distance happen in a way that really didn't surprise you all that much because while you had  hoped better of the person, you really DID see it coming?  Maybe, even, more than that person did.

And then, when a chance encounter happened again, as you knew it would in a small town,  that same person, quite literally, tried to run, duck and hide?  

At least, it was entertaining.  And definitely gave me some things to think about. 

Pages of Life are Turning

They say that everyones life is a series of chapters in The Book of His Life.  That means that each chapter has pages that turn day to day to reach from beginning to end of each chapter of that life.  So, that has led me to wonder lately. 

It makes sense that each persons book would have a different number of chapters and that means also that each persons chapters would also have different numbers of pages, right?  There are no two that are identical.  So my next question has to do with each of those pages. 

Lately, I have been paying attention to seeing my world from the eyes of those around me, more than I usually do, I guess. What has come to me, is that each page represents a twenty-four hour day.  and that's there the "sameness " leaves.  Each person has a different number of chapters, and each chapter contains a different number of pages.  BUT,  the number of words on each persons pages is different as well.  Now I do wonder what that difference stems from.   Do each of us use different fonts?  Or do each of us read our own lives at different paces?  Do some people include pictures on the pages, and some don't? 

I wonder about these things because I have had people over the years tell me in various different ways, that in their opinion that I should slow my world down. I was told at one point that I needed to learn to do things that were "fun" as the activities that I enjoyed when I was in what I considered "down time" were not fun,  things such as crocheting, and other crafting as they were solitary activities and didn't involve groups of people.   I have been told that I was hard to be friends with because of the unpredictability of my life.  I have even been told that they were sure God considered my life too fast paced.  That just scratches the surface of things I have been told over my 54 years that I SHOULD do with my life. 

When I have taken the time in the last few months to really look around, think about past and present, I find that all of those things may well be true, they may also be false,  and maybe, just maybe, God really HAS written the story of my life, and for what ever reason, the pages of my life simply have been written in a smaller font so that more words fit on each of my pages.  Maybe, just maybe, I AM where God wants me to be, and I AM doing what God sees fit for me to do and those critics in my world are wrong no matter if they are pretty sure they have a direct line to God and know what God has in store for me and those around me. 

I have a hard time explaining the pace of my world to those who have not seen.  But that is ok.  I still invite all who know me who might want to know more about me, should stop by the business and just watch me for a couple of days.

Just some fun flowers

From our trip to the West Coast.  I love the college campus we have gone to now 4 years running... I wish there were a way I could attach the SMELL of the flowers as you walk down the pathways on this campus.  I have decided that since this is a Denominational University... that must be the way Jesus smells..... I don't know if you remember the movie "Michael"  Michael was an angel who had come to earth to do some business.  He smelled to all those who got close to him like warm fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies....

So I think that Jesus smells like these flowers. 

Things I continue to learn about myself.

I think its something we all do, whether we realize it or not.  We watch other people and make calls about ourselves through their events.  I hesitate to call this judging as that opens a different can of worms, but it is a matter of looking around at others and saying, "Hum, I would do that.. or I would not do that".  

The desire to understand my own actions in certain situations has been a driving the "back of my mind" for the last few months and yesterday several events came together in my mind to that Ahhh Haaaa moment.

Those who know me well know to NEVER EVER throw me a surprise party.  No, it would NOT be funny, trust me.  Nor would it be fun for anyone involved, most ESPECIALLY me.

Which brings me to the exact reason I have found for this epiphany. 

I DONT TRUST GRAND GESTURES!!!!!

 

 

Yep, that's just not me, I am not a grand gesture person. 

 

 

Gary Chapman wrote a book some years ago called The 5 Love Languages.   For those who have read any of the series of books that have occurred from that, I have read it and believe that he is on to something there.  I can tell you what I test out as in the book.  I can tell you what love language each of my family members would be.    For me, its Acts of Service and Quality Time in a very big way. 

 

As I have been an adult, which includes being a Daughter, a Wife, a Mother, a Friend, I have watched the way others around me relate to the people around them.  I have listened to what those same people have tried to tell me should be the way I relate to those closest to me.  I have had constant mental conflict between the things that feel natural to me, and the things that apparently feel natural to them.  I have spent YEARS trying to reconcile those feelings.  What I mean by this is that everyone has a BUBBLE around them... some peoples bubble is bigger than others.  I think those that have a big bubble may understand what I am talking about more than those who have a smaller bubble. 

 

My 2nd daughter is the one who first put it in to words for us.  "I love you... I'm glad you love Me... but could you do it from----------->over THERE?   My mother always has referred
to it as being a "touch me not".  Then the same daughter would tell her younger brothers "Bubble, My Bubble is THIS BIG....... MOVE OVER.  

 

The list goes on and on..... But, I on the other hand, have had children of all ages and sizes sleeping in my bed, leaning on me, touching me,

 

This is much more me.  Come in close, sit near me, you can even stand close to me, however, I am NOT good at making eye contact.  And I do not like Grand Gestures. 

One of two things goes through my mind at those times. 

Why do you have to work that hard to convince one of us that you like me that much.... or what does this mean that I owe you.  I mean, how big of an event is this, what do you expect in return and don't tell me nothing because we know that isn't true deep down inside of you.

So just give me a single flower,  cook me dinner, sit and talk about our day.  That's just fine for me. 




 

 

 

 

 

Dwelling thoughts Friendship

I seem to be spending a lot of time thinking about the category of  friendship and my roll in it.  Not sure why this has come up in the last couple months other than I have spend quite a bit of time alone lately.  This is really very UNUSUAL for me.  At least in my adult life.

Lets go back and think.
As a kid, I spent much of my time alone.   We lived in a neighborhood with a number of kids around my age but they all lived on the other side of the street.  That meant that in the pecking order of children, I was at the bottom of the ladder as I did not live on the "right side of the street"  I had two brothers but one of them was 6.5 years older than me and the other was 8.5 years younger than me. 
In upper elementary school I had a group of friends, there were 6 of us, but the 5 of them lived in about a one block radius and I was clear on the other side of the zone of that school so I had to make the effort to get to their neighborhood, and being a kid........

These friendships continued in to junior high and even somewhat in to high school but slowly that group drifted apart with other high school interests.  Probably they would say I was the first to go really, as I said, neighborhoods were very different and by that time, all the other kids in my neighborhood, the Right Side of the Street Club, had all moved away.  In I think 4th grade, my grandfather bought me my first horse and from that time, my horses were my best friends.  Other people came and went in my life generally to get to ride my horses.  I also saw people around me making choices that were not right for me, so up in to the foot hills my horse and I went. 

After high school I went to the local community college for 3 semesters.  Few of the people I went to high school with were there as the point was that there was a great big world out there and our home town was awful so off in to the world we go and those who chose to stay home were in some way losers.  So, most of the friends I made there were older than me and going back to school as adults. 

Off to University I went in my 4th semester and again.  I had a plan for my college time.  I planned to get my education and become a teacher.  I wasn't there to party, or to find a husband, or to find sorority sisters to be friends for life.  I went to school, I studied, I worked (Oh yeah, I had jobs in college to pay for my college)  That took a lot of the time others were out in groups so I wasn't there.

After college, I became less of a loner as I became a teacher and had people around me constantly.  Not just the little people I taught, every day, I had people to eat lunch with, we went to conferences together, we shared motel rooms.. 4-5 of us at a time.  We took continuing Education classes to maintain our licenses together in the summers.  When I quit teaching, I quickly realized that those friends were no longer there either.   

Then I became a mom.  That really changed things.  Not only did my kids go everywhere with me, when they weren't and were at daycare while I worked, I made a new group of Mommy Friends when we shared babysitters and such.  Not to mention, my brothers each were beginning families at that time too and we shared babysitters and had family dinners and did things together so our kids could be together. Then there were children's activities that we all participate in. And when you are raising 7 kids, that is a LOT of activities.  More "friends" came with that.  But when those activities were not part of our lives, those people also drifted away.

I'm down to the last of the kids who is in "activities".  He is 17 and we only have a short time left but the things he is involved in even requires travel.  So, the people I am involved in with that for the most part are from a 200 mile radius.  Not very close at hand.  And when this son moves on out in to the world........

Other than this, the vast majority of the things I do revolve around extended family.  Don't get me wrong, this is in no way a bad thing, it just is what it is.

So, I have been here reflecting lately. 

Friend by definition is: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.


Acquaintance by definition:

a person one knows slightly, but who is not a close friend.

 

By definition, I am finding that I am acquainted  a pretty great number of people and then there are  people that I THOUGHT were friend who were  never really anything but someone I knew slightly.  Well, actually, I think the deal is that I knew them better than they knew me.  I just believed what I wanted to believe about having a bond of mutual affection with them. 

I think we live in a day and age where we do not have to rely long term on people as much as we did in generations past.  We also "get to know" people and keep in touch by way of social media where we can be what we want to be, not necessarily what we REALLY are.  This makes people much more disposable in our lives than ever before and the excuses of Hey, I have just been really busy,  Its not you, its me, and many others just pop out of peoples mouths and fingers. 

I find myself thinking about a particular situation where I have repeatedly gone back to the last encounter with a specific person and ask myself if there was something I was supposed to hear in that conversation that I missed?  Or if I said something that was misinterpreted, or just what happened.  I tell myself that it really doesn't matter as I don't think I would get a straight answer anyway. 
I guess the biggest point is that its just time to move on and do the job in this life I was meant to do and understand that few acquaintances actually ever become friends.   And that is just Ok.