July 4th

     I was just posting a comment on a friends blog this morning when I realized that this summers
independence Day celebration was a bit off.

     I have worked very hard over the last say 4 years to maintain our family traditions inspite of things changing in our world. 

     In the last 10 years we have begun the process of loosing the elders of the family, which moves all the younger ones up.  The younger ones have begun creating the next generation to replace us.  This is "the circle of life" and as it should be. 

     My circle of elders included both of my maternal grandparents, and my parents.  Then there were my 2 siblings, each one a brother, one older and one younger.  I had also had an older sister but she died from Lukemia when she was just 6 and I was 2.  Then those who came after included my husband and  my own 4 children,  my older brothers 2 children, my younger brothers daughter.  3 of those have brought spouses into the mix and my nephew has brought 4 children in to the fold, my oldest daughter has brought 2 in and my niece has brought 2 in for a total of 8 in the next generation, to date. 
     Over the years, this has made for a raucous time at holidays, some of it very good, some of it not so good, some of it downright BAD.  But all interesting none the less.

     Then on the upper end of the line, change began to happen.  October of 2003, the Patriarch of the family was called home, leaving quite a hole in the knowledge base around us.  The man was so very knowledgable of the world around him and we forgot to ask some questions of him before he left. 

     My grandmother passed on, in June, only 9 months later as so often happens.  She was the keeper of the family recipes and homemaking knowledge.  She made it so effortless that we honestly didn't understand how much she knew until she was gone and I found some things in her belongings that shed great light on what we should have paid more attention to. 
Both of my grandparents were 91. 

     Then, very unexpectedly, a couple of years later, my younger brother passed from this life  He was only  in his 30's.

     In September of 2010, Jim Sanders, passed away rather unexpectedly and yet we knew.   He had been diagnosed as terminal in July of that year and given about 6 months.  We all know that those dates are kind of nebulous but still.  However, the end of September, he fell, broke his femur and in a week was gone.  This loss, for those of us remaining is what is known as "THE BIG ONE"  This is the place that all the change really began as he was the Partiarch, The one we all looked to for training, advice, example, steadiness, you name it.  He was it.   When we lost him, we lost our anchor. 

     July of that next year, 2011, my older brother also passed away.  We received a phonecall from the hospital 200 miles away telling us that if we wanted to see him, we should hurry.  We did,

     Somehow, my mother now was the oldest remaining member of the family, and I was next in line. 
She is now 81 and has never been excited about being in the limelight, so the "Keeper of the family" job has been handed down to me.  I tell you now, I am not worthy of the title, nor have I really ever truly wanted it.  There are those in the remaining family who will tell you that they did not appoint me in this roll.
      I had a doctor a number of years ago who told me that he called this roll in the family, "the family hero".  He recognized in dealing with my extended family that this was my roll whether anyone else knew it or not and he honestly talked to me over a few years worth of visits and in some way helped me prepare for this time in life.  No, he was not a psychiatrist or psychologist, of all things, he was my OBGYN. 

     That back story brings me to today.  I realized as I was posting on my friends blog that this Independence day was different than I think it has ever been in my life time.   The attendees were, from top down, my mother, my nephew and his four kids, my niece and one of her two sons, my daughter who was home for a short visit, my two sons who are 17 and 21 and still live at home, and myself.  For various reasons, there was not a spouse in attendance.  My mom is a widow as we discussed, both my husband and my daughter's husband are in other places working, my nephew is in the middle of a separation and divorce, my niece and my sons have not been married.  That, I realized this morning was just odd. 

     I have been going back through my own blog posts from the last year and have realized just how much is different than this time last year.  Most of the changes we really didn't even see coming, quite honestly.  Some have been very good, some have not been so good, but all of them have been hard.   Some of them are far enough down the road, even, that we are beginning to see the results of and what the next piece of the puzzle is.  

     I am not, nor have I ever been good at change, flux, reorganization, movement with out definite purpose that I understood the reason for at the beginning.  But here I am, in some way in the middle of some huge changes.  I will spend some time either here, or inside my own head trying to digest and make pathways to where we have gone in the last year and where the future is headed.             


Join me, or not, its ok with me either way. 
    

DAY ONE OF GETTING IT TOGETHER.

 

Tonight I end my day by shining my kitchen sink. 

Today, I begin my days with making my bed.  Sounds simple, and maybe for many it is.  There are many reasons that for me it has never been simple, but today, I strive to give myself at least one single task that gets COMPLETED.  I strive to give myself a reason to think that no matter what happened today, there was order and organization somewhere.  I strive to give myself a reason to believe that tomorrow will be better.

It will soak in hot water and bleach till morning

Feet and Their Outlook on Summer

Feet on the turtle tank. Feet at the beach.

 

Feet at the hot springs, Feet at the  "GREEK"

Feet buried in the sand, feet sneeking a peek

Shoes looking like feet. For feet not ready to share.

If I squat down and look away, you cant see me

Have you ever known anyone who, maybe, you understood some things about them better than they understood themselves? 

Have you ever known anyone who suddenly and very completely removed their circle from the small place your circles intersected in your collective Venn Diagram? 

Have you ever watched this distance happen in a way that really didn't surprise you all that much because while you had  hoped better of the person, you really DID see it coming?  Maybe, even, more than that person did.

And then, when a chance encounter happened again, as you knew it would in a small town,  that same person, quite literally, tried to run, duck and hide?  

At least, it was entertaining.  And definitely gave me some things to think about. 

Pages of Life are Turning

They say that everyones life is a series of chapters in The Book of His Life.  That means that each chapter has pages that turn day to day to reach from beginning to end of each chapter of that life.  So, that has led me to wonder lately. 

It makes sense that each persons book would have a different number of chapters and that means also that each persons chapters would also have different numbers of pages, right?  There are no two that are identical.  So my next question has to do with each of those pages. 

Lately, I have been paying attention to seeing my world from the eyes of those around me, more than I usually do, I guess. What has come to me, is that each page represents a twenty-four hour day.  and that's there the "sameness " leaves.  Each person has a different number of chapters, and each chapter contains a different number of pages.  BUT,  the number of words on each persons pages is different as well.  Now I do wonder what that difference stems from.   Do each of us use different fonts?  Or do each of us read our own lives at different paces?  Do some people include pictures on the pages, and some don't? 

I wonder about these things because I have had people over the years tell me in various different ways, that in their opinion that I should slow my world down. I was told at one point that I needed to learn to do things that were "fun" as the activities that I enjoyed when I was in what I considered "down time" were not fun,  things such as crocheting, and other crafting as they were solitary activities and didn't involve groups of people.   I have been told that I was hard to be friends with because of the unpredictability of my life.  I have even been told that they were sure God considered my life too fast paced.  That just scratches the surface of things I have been told over my 54 years that I SHOULD do with my life. 

When I have taken the time in the last few months to really look around, think about past and present, I find that all of those things may well be true, they may also be false,  and maybe, just maybe, God really HAS written the story of my life, and for what ever reason, the pages of my life simply have been written in a smaller font so that more words fit on each of my pages.  Maybe, just maybe, I AM where God wants me to be, and I AM doing what God sees fit for me to do and those critics in my world are wrong no matter if they are pretty sure they have a direct line to God and know what God has in store for me and those around me. 

I have a hard time explaining the pace of my world to those who have not seen.  But that is ok.  I still invite all who know me who might want to know more about me, should stop by the business and just watch me for a couple of days.

Just some fun flowers

From our trip to the West Coast.  I love the college campus we have gone to now 4 years running... I wish there were a way I could attach the SMELL of the flowers as you walk down the pathways on this campus.  I have decided that since this is a Denominational University... that must be the way Jesus smells..... I don't know if you remember the movie "Michael"  Michael was an angel who had come to earth to do some business.  He smelled to all those who got close to him like warm fresh out of the oven chocolate chip cookies....

So I think that Jesus smells like these flowers. 

Things I continue to learn about myself.

I think its something we all do, whether we realize it or not.  We watch other people and make calls about ourselves through their events.  I hesitate to call this judging as that opens a different can of worms, but it is a matter of looking around at others and saying, "Hum, I would do that.. or I would not do that".  

The desire to understand my own actions in certain situations has been a driving the "back of my mind" for the last few months and yesterday several events came together in my mind to that Ahhh Haaaa moment.

Those who know me well know to NEVER EVER throw me a surprise party.  No, it would NOT be funny, trust me.  Nor would it be fun for anyone involved, most ESPECIALLY me.

Which brings me to the exact reason I have found for this epiphany. 

I DONT TRUST GRAND GESTURES!!!!!

 

 

Yep, that's just not me, I am not a grand gesture person. 

 

 

Gary Chapman wrote a book some years ago called The 5 Love Languages.   For those who have read any of the series of books that have occurred from that, I have read it and believe that he is on to something there.  I can tell you what I test out as in the book.  I can tell you what love language each of my family members would be.    For me, its Acts of Service and Quality Time in a very big way. 

 

As I have been an adult, which includes being a Daughter, a Wife, a Mother, a Friend, I have watched the way others around me relate to the people around them.  I have listened to what those same people have tried to tell me should be the way I relate to those closest to me.  I have had constant mental conflict between the things that feel natural to me, and the things that apparently feel natural to them.  I have spent YEARS trying to reconcile those feelings.  What I mean by this is that everyone has a BUBBLE around them... some peoples bubble is bigger than others.  I think those that have a big bubble may understand what I am talking about more than those who have a smaller bubble. 

 

My 2nd daughter is the one who first put it in to words for us.  "I love you... I'm glad you love Me... but could you do it from----------->over THERE?   My mother always has referred
to it as being a "touch me not".  Then the same daughter would tell her younger brothers "Bubble, My Bubble is THIS BIG....... MOVE OVER.  

 

The list goes on and on..... But, I on the other hand, have had children of all ages and sizes sleeping in my bed, leaning on me, touching me,

 

This is much more me.  Come in close, sit near me, you can even stand close to me, however, I am NOT good at making eye contact.  And I do not like Grand Gestures. 

One of two things goes through my mind at those times. 

Why do you have to work that hard to convince one of us that you like me that much.... or what does this mean that I owe you.  I mean, how big of an event is this, what do you expect in return and don't tell me nothing because we know that isn't true deep down inside of you.

So just give me a single flower,  cook me dinner, sit and talk about our day.  That's just fine for me.