If this is Mourning,... It SUCKS

Mourn·ing
[ˈmôrniNG]
NOUN
1. the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died, typically involving following certain conventions such as wearing black clothes.

This past year has been a real challenge in my world. This time last year I was running 3 businesses, caring for my mother who was becoming more and more ill with liver disease but the lung issues had been deemed to be stable and not a problem. That is a very long story in itself but that is a whole series from another place. The short version is that at the end of January she went in to the hospital to figure out what was going on. It was cancer that had not been there in November but was raging now. Just after midnight February 5 she passed from this world. At the same time,Jjonathan was working while making trips back and forth to San Antonio to help his sister out with their mom who was having some health issues as well. Between my mothers death and funeral, Winnie was diagnosed with pneumonia and hospitalized. Jonathan headed back there the day after the funeral to check on things and stayed for almost 3 months. She was diagnosed with cancer and went home on hospice. Many things happened during that time that were unimaginable. I can not even imagine the lasting trauma, and my heart hurts for him on a daily basis as I try to do what I can for his healing.
While Jonathan was caring for his family to the best of his ability, I was caring for our businesses to the best of my ability. Or I thought I was. Or the best of my ability was extremely below par. In May, I thought that maybe things could start returning to normal, but all of our owner operators quit and went to work for the guy we got started, leaving Jonathan as our only driver. Ok no sweat, I believed people that this was just a set back due to a really hard spring and things would get better. We went to the truck show in July and took some classes that excited me and gave me such hope. Then I found out differently. We struggled along, I thought, trying to get back in the grove, hiring help to make things flow and get us to the point we should have been before we put more people on the year before. Every single thing I did to try to get things together turned out to be the wrong thing to do. Everything I did only seemed to make matters worse and worse.
Trying to execute the will, get the inherited businesses legally running, Talking to the bank about expanding the other business. Keeping the day to day going. Move in to the house and get settled, while figuring out what to do with the other house, then there is the other property. So much to be done every day. So few hours in the day.
And then, the end of October happened. My last driver quit. And no one understood my reaction to it. I should have been happy, I should have been excited, I should have seen the peace and tranquility. I didn't. There was none of that for me. For me, there was brain exploding, freaking out, panic, fears for my survival. There was letting employees go who were being devastated by the loss of their job, There was wondering where the money was going to come from to pay the bills that "the main, growing, rising star business" was paying. Time, I needed time to make this work. I know it will work but I need time to prepare. There was the feeling of responsibility for telling people things that gave them courage to make plans. I stand and accept the blame for all the devastation my vision caused those people, the vote of no confidence, the anger and lack of trust. For me, there was fear, sadness, hopelessness, loss and more fear in the place of happiness, excitement, peace and tranquility*-` Many of the people that had been looking to me for advice kept saying, " but I thought you were going to …………." My only answer as yeah, none of that was real, I guess. I was a complete fake." Other people kept wondering what my problem was, everything was going to be fine, but all I could think was.. Are you kidding me, NOTHING is ever going to be fine again. I have no idea how to even think anything is going to be fine again. I mean I know things are going to BE… so can we just stop the sentence with don’t worry, things are going to be. Lets just leave off the fine part. Then as time progressed the answer seems to be, it needs more time. Its not time yet, things will be fine until its time... TIME FOR WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Where are things going? What will be the next thing? WHEN will be the next thing???? Today< can it be TODAY? No, then when. Who knows when, things may never come to pass. Or they may, or something else may just wait and see. Wait, no wait do this!! No wait… I didn’t mean NOW…. As time has gone by, it feels more and more that what I did was not enough, was not the right thing, was not possible to ever be. My vision was completely incompatible with reality at all. And then, it became very possible that my mistakes had affected pretty much everyone around me. It seems as time goes by what ever this is that is happening around me is virally spreading and affecting everyone around me in very negative ways. It seems as if life is imploding a little more each day. Things for so many people around me sucks...and I cant seem to stop or even slow down "the suck". Nightmares of unbelievable magnitude even for me, a feeling of hoplessness that I have never had before. Things that obviously I cannot explain because I don't understand any of it myself. And then I came upon an article on the internet. (this is actually a wonderful article and you should take time to read it) https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/journey-grief-six-needs-mourning/ I mean I have known for many years the 5 stages of grief. I have seen them happen, I have dealt with things myself in my own head... but nothing I was feeling seemed to fit, until now. Lets start at the beginning. Need 1: Acknowledging the reality of the death This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again. Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real. Ok so let me start by saying that the realization I have come to is not about what others think it is. This is not about loosing my mother, or my mother in law. I began getting ready to lose my mother, probably the day my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2010, but most especially in July of 2017 when she was diagnosed with liver disease. I did enough research to know that most people with what she had live on average 2 years with the diagnosis so honestly I was prepared. My mother in law had been an extremely heavy smoker most of her life so lung cancer was not a surprise diagnosis for her either. I had already had the plan in the back of my head that knowing my own mother was on short time, the next step in the world as I saw it was to build our business up during that time and start preparing to start a second division of the company somewhere around the San Antonio area while this one would become able to run from a distance with some trips this way to check on things. We would live there for the intervening years as long as my in laws needed us close by and then we could build a third division either around the Metroplex area or Baton Rouge, or even both. So while yes, we sustained death 2 months apart, this was not the death that hurt. July began the fear of death for me. The uncontrollable illness of “a child” I tried valiantly to push it away, to avoid it coming, to ignore it and it would go away and the plan would return. We were just tired and sad, it wouldn’t last. Yeah, I was wrong and it has taken talking about it to make it real and acceptable… but the people I had to talk to didn’t see it as a death so they didn’t understand my reaction. It was about losing 2 mothers, the business was just a stupid thing that could stay or go, it wasn’t real anyway. Need 2: Embracing the pain of the loss This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss—something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it. You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it. Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.” If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain. So this is the stage I guess I have never been good at. My philosophy has generally been ignore it till it goes away. After reading this I find that the real thing I am grieving for I have honestly NOT been able to distract myself from because I am still dealing with the business on a daily baisis.. I still get phone calls periodically from account reps asking If we have room to fill a load in for them. I don’t think it is my place to tell them that we aren’t in this business anymore. So I just keep getting blind sided. I have all the paperwork to still do for the legal end of the business that is quarterly and monthly and yearly until we close it out. Then there is creating a safe space to move toward the pain. Well since I am the only one mourning this thing and the understanding of what and why I am mourning is absent it makes it really hard to create a safe space, so the safe space is in my head in the night time. It is something that seems to have to be addressed every day at the end of the day or sometime during the night and it is pretty exhausting if I do say so. Then there is the challenge of getting out of bed in the morning to face the going to a building every day to….. well really nothing… to the finishing up that has to be done of nothing. Its an empty space….. waiting to be filled, but with what, and why, and is any of THAT going to be real or just another part of my imagination? Need 3: Remembering the person who died Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship. But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past. Im the one who wants it all to go away. I don’t want to see memories of the past 5 years. I don’t want to to continue any kind of relationship with this past at all. I want to wipe it all away. It has been pointed out how many people have been hurt by my dream so why would I want to have any momentos or memories from it? And why would I want to ever have another dream? Remembering makes me want to vomit. Need 4: Developing a new self-identity Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes. You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent.” The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage; someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained. You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear. Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss. Developing a new self identity. Or maybe it was developing a self identity to start with.. .
The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed. Without a doubt. I now question every single word I say, every single move I make, every single idea I have. As we could say here, I now question every single aspect of who or what I am. And I cant figure out if other people don't question all those things about me and if they don't, why DONT they? They should.
You may feel feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear. With nearly every breath I take. Add to it uselessness and inability to add anything of value to the world.
Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. Im waiting and praying for this to be true for me. Right now, my self identity is more negative than it has ever been in my life and I have had some pretty down times.

This is all I can say. Maybe at sometime it will get better. Which brings us to step 5

Need 5: Searching for meaning
When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask “How?” and “Why” questions.
“How could God let this happen?” “Why did this happen now, in this way?” The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless.
The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty.
This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.

Lack of control of anything.. powerlessness over everything and anything. My heart and soul.



Need 6: Receiving ongoing support from others
The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot—nor should you try to—do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.
Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to “carry on,” “keep your chin up” and “keep busy,” many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. “It’s over and done with” and “It’s time to get on with your life” are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.
To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed—even encouraged—to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.

There are a lot of “they MUST’s used in this paragraph. I don’t thing anyone MUST do any of these things because I think that the LAST think I want is placating, or pretense or because they have to. If you don’t get it. Great. You don’t have to. It was just a business, businesses come and go, so what. Businesses aren't real things, they are just words on a piece of paper.


So if this is mourning, it sucks. If this is mourning it isn’t for a person or for people because I have always known that people die and you just need to do what you can do for humanity every day and give it your all. And most people would understand and totally support me in mourning for any of the PEOPLE I have lost. Im weird, I don’t really mourn people, that isn’t in my control.
So what am I mourning? A business, an inanimate object that isn’t even real in any way but legally. It didn’t have skin, it didn’t breathe, it couldn’t feel emotion. A bunch of paperwork and expenses. It wasn’t even one of my dogs… It was nothing.

The 7 Experiment Wrap Up

    

A question was posed to our group as we begin wrapping up our 7 Experiment.  Well, actually it was a couple of questions that should have been easy.  Basically, she was asking what is each of our "take aways" from the project. What did we learn, what did we struggle with, what do we plan to continue and what happens from here? 

 The answers, as usual for me, aren't that simple.  So very much has happened to change the course of my life in the last 8 months that I was not even truly sure where I started from.  So, I decided to go all the way back through the group and see what I shared through each step.  I know that I pretty much went AWOL during several months of the experiment because my mother unexpectedly decided to leave this world, and then hot on her heals my mother in law decided to take a little longer in the process but to begin her own journey into what happens next.  This dumped HUGE amounts of stress and disorientation upon my little brow and something had to give.  I really didn't STOP my participation in the experiment, I just stopped sharing as much.  The only way I could honestly cope during that season was to just crawl into my shell and hide.  I have never been good at letting anyone else into my feelings, or heck for that matter, I have just never been good at FEELING.  How I came to the belief that my feelings are an inconvenience, over blown, and simply just not necessary is the subject of a whole other blog post, but there they are.

So the way this has ended up being written is kind of two phase.  BLUE words are how each month actually went according to my journal and my blog and face book posts.
The ORANGE words at the bottom are what I am actually taking from the project as I look through it all today.  What my thoughts and plans for the future are.  

Anyway, as I go back through each months postings I find myself starting out in January with high hopes for getting this family feeding thing under control, getting us all healthy and organized and on the road to not living excessively food wise.  Just reading what I wrote somehow makes me want to gag in some weird way.  The part at the end of that blog where I was talking about my own thought life.  About for some reason feeling superior to those who were not participating in this program, as if I were doing something so grand and noble for the world by planning a menu and using the food I had in the house rather than letting it go bad and throwing it away.  WOW, so maybe one of the "take aways" is going to turn out to be "Get Over Yourself, Girlfriend". 

My last post for the month of January I was kind of whining over trying to feed to difficult to feed people.  I was not feeling well at that moment myself as I had been down with some kind of stomach virus.  I made the comment that I had one more week of January to go and who knew what that week was going to hold and I might be able to turn it around yet.  Little did I know that in that last week, my mother would be admitted to the hospital, massive blood clot would be found which would lead to a diagnosis of "its cancer... just all cancer in there"  The doctor estimated that we could get some good nutrition in her and get her set up at home for a good couple of months, but that didn't happen, 4 days later before we could get her stable enough to bring home, she passed away.  So now I knew why she was having such a hard time eating. Cancer, a lot of it and massive pain she refused to admit to right up to her final breath.  Food, great way to start this project.  

February 2 I posted that life had taken a sharp right turn and I was backing out.  Mom passed on February 5

I didn't post anything in February on clothing but I can go back and tell you now that we had moved in to care for my mom in September, somewhere around a year ago.  We pretty much took the clothes we were wearing and Malachi had brought us each a few more.  I counted at one point and wrote down in my journal that in February I had to choose from 3 pair of jeans, 5 pair of socks, two pair of shoes, and approximately 10 shirts.  Two dress or blouse/skirt combinations and one bra completed the package.  After I had lived from September to February with that combination. ( oh and two sets of pajama like clothes) I was pretty sure that clothing was not an issue for me.  I didn't even really have an idea of what clothing I had left behind at our house. 

March: Possessions: Just wow.  So many of them.  I did spend the month clearing out enough things to actually MOVE in to this house but still most of my belongings are not here.  

April: Pause

May=Media Month
Media is really not a hard topic for me.  I look back at my blog and my Facebook posts and it seems that Jonathan and I took Mothers Day Sunday off and just RESTED.  I'm pretty sure that day involved watching a movie or something.

June Waste
Total Fail.  Not even going to discuss it. Too much emotion... just too much. 

July: Spending  We doubled down on financial principals and control of our spending.  This is not easy folks and less easy when more than one though process is involved.  We found that if everyone in your household is not on board and on the same page and any other cliché you want to use, things get a bit muddy in the peace and tranquility of the home.  For me, its going to take another year to two years to dig us out to the point of financial freedom but we are truly developing a plan to get there finally.  It really is good to be walking arm and arm on this one.  We have come a really long way, have a ways to go but are really getting there!!!

August:  Stress.  The 7 prayer pauses and observing the Sabbath.  So much information in there.  So much research I did.  So many scriptures I am trying to memorize.  Still not doing very well at that but of all, this one is the most important and the one to keep working on the hardest.  I have learned several things from out in the secular world about the importance to our digestion to take a moment and pray over a meal.. INCREDIBLE... How would God know that taking just a moment or two to stop and pray resets your brain from the business of the day to the process of properly digesting our food.... and how would the secular world know it when we don't ….. go figure.  So much of this is going to continue.  Sabbath, Yeah, that is a hard one for our culture to observe but a friend taught me that God really DEMANDS it from us, its not just a good idea.  More research there as well. 

End results: 

Food

I can also say that I still struggle with the menu planning aspect of all of this but its mostly because I now spend most of my month alone.  Jonathan is generally out on the road 15-25 days of the month so meal prep for me tends to be cook something.. eat it for 4 meals, cook something else.  Some times I cook two things and rotate those things for 8 days.  Lunch is generally a handful or two of fresh veggies and some hummus, a hand full of nuts and a bottle of water.  Some days I eat breakfast, some I don't, boiled eggs or cheese tortilla.  When Jonathan is in town we either eat out or I go shop by the day again as I'm never really sure how many days at a time he is going to decide to stay in.

Clothing:

I have bought a few things since February to upgrade my wardrobe because I am doing more meeting with people in our business setting that I feel the need to look a little more professional from time to time and as I went through my mothers clothes I found several outfits that I liked but had honestly never seen HER wear so I kept them.  I haven't counted but I am still pretty sure that I have fewer than 100 items hanging in my closet and most of them can work together.  I do have several more pair of shoes too but less than 10, for various weather and styles of dress.   My goal is still to lose about 40 pounds and that will alter my wardrobe a lot. 

Posessions:  From March to now, with things that I have read in Jen Hatmaker's books and seen around me more closely I find that this is where The Evil One has tried to make the most inroads on my peace of mind.  Right at the moment, I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF.  WAY, WAY more than I need to be sure BUT..... extenuating circumstances, already.   While some have gone to great lengths to make me feel guilty about what I have, God has also gone to great lengths to assure me that I have nothing to feel guilty for, so I am no longer in that mental state.  There will be a point when I will be back down to the amount of things that my family and I NEED to function in life but in the mean time, it is going to be a very slow and somewhat steady process to get there.  I purchased very few of the things I am now the proud owner of so I don't need to feel guilty there.  My first obligation is to figure out if there are items in my possession that a member of my family needs or wants, then after that I will figure out what to do with the rest.  Sorry, this is becoming a bit of a rant and I will stop here.  

April: Pause

Because Elizabeth and I were both having a bit of a hard time coping with all that was going on in our lives and I was having to be out of town so much in March and April the decision was made to pause for the month of April and now I kind of regret that decision as the pause seems to have some what derailed us all from that point forward.  I appreciate the break but if it were to happen again I wouldn't choose taking the break but pushing on as part of the Sacrifice of my Fast to God...

Media May:  The first time I went through 7 I broke a lot of media habits and have continued in that vein.  Somewhere in here this summer we figured out what "saving by bundling: was actually costing to have satellite TV in two rooms, two land line telephones that no one ever called on and the interweb.  So we canceled everything and moved to a different Internet provider. We now have a fire stick or what ever that is, I still fail to know how to use most of what it covers.  I watch a very few things on Netflix.  I watch mostly old movies and television show channels of the antenna and if it is even ON its turned on to music, (mostly smooth jazz)  I do read books checked out from the public library on my Ipad but pretty much that is all the Ipad does.  I have not attached any of my social media to it.  I'm on my lap top for mostly work related items or blog posts or pod casts but rarely much more than that.  My phone is a phone that I can use to look up information on when I need it.  I have clocked it and when I am home alone I spend less than 10 hours a week with the screen on.  I'm OK with that.  

June: Waste Takeaways
Its hard to deal with throwing things away being a sin when you are so overwhelmed with stuff that no one wants, needs or should be burdened with.  Possessions VS Waste... uuggh EMOTION, just WAY TO MUCH EMOTION!!!!!!  Later I will tackle that one.  And still throwing too much food away... Got to continue to work on that one or buy some chickens.

July, Spending:  For This month I pause and Pray.  God, give me the words of Grace to say and show your love here as we have all "been there" in some form or another. 
 I have observed those around me and my own situation much more closely this trip through training for the race God TRULY wants us running.  I see THIS ONE  to be maybe the most dangerous month to date.  Each of the previous months has been placed there to teach us to live with out the things that get in the way of our focus on God, to eliminate the things that take up our time and resources and OUR MIND that we SHOULD be spending walking with God, spending time in the one place we will get to know Him and his wishes for us the best, His Word.  It is a very hard month to play out if everyone in your house is not "on the same page".  It is the month that it is easiest to just say " Did God REALLY Say?" and move right along the way we see is right in our own eyes. 
  The other 5 are much easier to tailor to your personal circumstances.  (You may drive a beemer and I may ride a bike.  Neither is right or wrong particularly)  (I may have 25 pair of shoes, you may have 3, it may depend on each of our job choices and after work activities to dictate how many each of us needs rather than how much money we have)  But finances is just a bit different.  Money is what buys everything we addressed in the first 5 months, so if we are eliminating those items in our worlds and being more conscious of how we spend our money and who that spending is affecting, then it should go with out saying that God has some ideas on how we should accumulate and spend that money.  And really the only way to know what that is, is to dive deeply into His Word.  I know that sometimes it is hard see that part in the Bible that talks about not being able to serve two masters. What does that REALLY mean, anyway?  
I have also seen through our spending month and beyond that this topic has caused more arguments among the group, among families, among couples, among friends than anything in any other month.  Did God REALLY SAY? Sure, but its ok for me to...…... we all do it. 
There are more things said in the Bible about money and money related items than pretty much anything else, so it MUST be an important topic to God.  

And last but not least, my take away from the Stress month. What I have come to see, and I don't know if this was Jen Hatmaker's plan or her wise editor, or The Counsel  or strictly Gods, but this time through the project I see that months 1-5 are all about US.....How do I want do deal with MY food, My clothes, MY possessions, MY media outlets (and really this is also about recreational time in general), the things I waste.  Then we do a little switch to, because of all this STUFF that is in MY world, I have to decide something, am I going to serve God? or Money.....how is God calling Me still to use MY money.  See the little shift in perception there?  Maybe its not all about ME???  But, Man, its kinda hard to get out of the its about Me and My world and My stuff mind set, isn't it?  

So, that brings us to the biggest switch of all!  Now that our stuff is out of the way, and we have figured out that we want to Honor GOD in all that we have and all we do and we want to rule our money and not let it rule us so that we can honor God, we can now get down to the nitty gritty of this whole thing.  How are we going to Worship our Lord?  Are we going to continue to do what we have always done up to this point?  Are we going to just replace all that stuff we eliminated in the months before with more, or to just substitute something else about US in those bits of time and space we have created?  Or are going to take the focus off of ourselves put it on HIM?  How does HE want us to spend the time he has given us?  Maybe now if we each ask what we should do from here, I think the answer would be pretty clear.  
And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself". 

And now, we are free to do that much more readily, aren't we?

THIS is the time to dive in to the Living Water and start swimming!

Who is Church For? Sinners?

The other day when you asked me why we stayed at the church after people were so unsupportive of Malachi and I said I needed to think about it before I answered.  My first answer was a pop-off answer and I knew it. 

1)      I was tired of changing churches and searching for a place to truly belong and fit in.  But there were even more reasons. 

2)      Malachi was old enough to make his own choice and as much as I wanted, he obviously did not fit in there- this isn’t the worship style and never has been that he likes best

3)      Things went off the rails much before that when Sam was basically run out of the church, and I stayed then, too. 

4)      I have never truly “fit in” to a church I have attended since……..no, not ever.  I have always been a fringe wierdo and have never really had close friends in church-because me and mine are just to strange to do things outside of church with and that’s honestly where you build relationships-  not actually in services. 

5)      I stayed because it seems now, maybe I’m supposed to try to protect others who don’t fit in what will come along…

I have been asked to leave three church settings over my life. 

The first was when I was 17 and  I told my Sunday school class that I (and my family) have Some kind of telepathic communication thing that is NOT evil as the teacher was saying, because it has never happened in any situation that was not for good.  I was called evil and asked to ot come back because I was scaring people.  I left and didn’t go back to church for about 14 or so years.

I ended up in a marriage that I was pretty much forbidden from attending church, any time and any place.  I could easily have gone but it would have created a fight and I saw no need to fight.  I just figured that he could forbid my corporate worship experience but he couldn’t control what I read when I wasn’t around him and he most certainly couldn’t stop me from praying.  So when our marriage fell apart, I went BACK to that church as one of my friends down the hall at school went there.  The pastor of the church then was contacted by that friend and so he came to visit me.  He sat in my home and told me that he honestly had no idea how to help me through a divorce, he thought I just needed to go back and try harder.  I said, “we are sitting here in my living room, with my two children nearby, and I’m not sure what you are telling me to go back to… I DIDN’T LEAVE>>> ‘Im right here.. HE LEFT not ME.  I did not cheat, I did not desert my children, I did not leave my spouse.. How do I go back?  He stared at me for a few minutes and said I don’t have any idea what to say or how to help you, and he left.   After Jonathan and I got married he wanted to go to church but for obvious reasons afore mentioned I think he was not comfortable at that churchso we changed churches.

When Sam was a toddler, I was teaching the 2-3 year old class in Sunday School at our new church because I had been asked to teach it along with another friend who had a son that was 10 days older than Sam.  One day, after we had moved to Cloudcroft I had a visit from the deacons telling me that they felt they needed to find another teacher for that class because I was failing to teach my children to sit quietly in church and their parents were frustrated and the people who had to sit around them wiggling around were frustrated.  They would find someone else who could do a better job than I was doing.  That’s when we changed churches to Cloudcroft after all that’s where we lived. 

We were part of the inner circle at the church we attended in Cloudcroft for years.  We were committee members, teachers, neck deep in moving and shaking-I can’t tell you how much sleep I made Jonathan miss when he was on rotating shifts for us to be “part of Gods work” That was horrible of me in retrospect because it was mostly to fit in.  Even with all the effort I put in to at least “LOOK NORMAL”, my 4 year old son was shaken by the pastor and taken in front of the congregation to be told what an awful child he was and NO  BOY would mistreat a girl in “HIS CHURCH” (Sam accidentally stepped on a girls hand when she moved her hand , she was sitting on the floor and he had been called to the front of the children’s sermon area by the pastor)  I was too shocked and humiliated at that moment to even move from where I was sitting until after church was over.  I just sat there and hugged him when he came back.  That was one of the last times Max went to church as well.  The pastor and I decided to “work things out between us” Which we did.. the solution was that Sam was not allowed to come forward unless either I or one of the older kids was with him to hold him on their lap.  I WAS however, asked later on to teach a 1-3^rd grade Sunday school class because two of the girls in that class had parents who were divorcing and they kept wanting to talk about it in class and the teacher and other parents were upset by that so SURELY I knew (being divorced myself) how to get them to stop talking about their feelings and stresses.  I didn’t make them stop, I just gave them a safe place to do it.

Then a couple of years later, when we had no deacons serving in our church any more and we movers and shakers were concerned about the preacher needing some help, so some of us went to the preacher to see how to solve this problem because we had a number of good solid men ready to step up.  He waited until all the concerned husbands were out of town on various business trips at one time and gave all the wives literature basically explaining how all of us had committed the unforgivable sin of divorce and remarriage and we were all going to hell so that’s why we couldn’t have deacons.  We only had one man other than the pastor who was “qualified” to serve.  I don’t think I stopped crying for 2 solid weeks until Jonathan returned. 

Don’t even ask what happened when one of my daughters went to the hospital by ambulance and was diagnosed as Bi-Polar.  That too was an interesting visit by the deacon and his wife.  So, eventually, we moved to Alamogordo and drove up the mountain as much as possible to go to Our Church and went to either First Assembly from time to time to support my recovering niece who was trying hard to stay clean, or Grace Methodist where Malachi liked the Pomp of the early service.  Until I got the letter in the mail telling me that Jonathan and I had (not the girls, only Jonathan and I) were being taken off the rolls as members because it had come to the attention of the church that we were attending a church of a different faith (GRACE NOT FIRST ASSEMBLY was the problem!!!!!)  I later found out these letters went out to 4 other couples who all eventually landed at Christ Community and wanted to invite us.  That was just before we landed at New Beginnings officially. 

We ended up at New Beginnings with two boys who were extremely excited to serve God.  Sam is a rough-cut diamond who needed to see strength and compassion through the manly arts and with other men inside the church setting.  It can be manly and God centered at the same time.  Two things happened.  Tom Rich went to Sam and talked to me AFTERWARD and told Sam he was not to be seen in the nursery again because it was not appropriate for men and boys to be in the nursery and honestly there was no place for a boy of his age to serve unless his dad was with him.---- and then Fred Died----- We lost Sam, and I couldn’t blame him-that was his last straw but hey, he and one of those two little girls from Cloudcroft are together now, go figure. 

Most of the rest of the New Beginnings stuff you know.  And I don’t think I have ever told anyone but Tom was supposed to be at the cemetery the day we were going to take my dads ashes to the cemetery.  Nothing big just part of the immediate family since we had already done his memorial service.  He never showed, no answer on the phone.. that was when everything was unraveling for him and apparently, I now know.. he was drunk in Ruidoso and forgot. We took care of it all ourselves.

So, instead of why did we stay after things went south with Malachi?  I think maybe the real question is why do we go to church AT ALL?????

After a lot of thought and sole searching the only answer I have found is that I understand how churches and church people work—and I have learned not to put my faith in either.

There really isn’t a lot of LOVE there at all.  Not agape love anyway.  But the Triune God loves me and I love God so I do what I can to over come the lack of love from humanity and corporate programs.  I try to learn all I can in the setting of what scripture says and I try to look and act as much “normal” as I can so that in some way I can be a bridge between “the Haves” and “the Have Nots”  and be a model of  what Jesus REALLY meant about ministering to real people, with real problem starting where they are at. 

Sunday, May 13, 2018 Another Day

Well, today is Mothers Day.  I took this weekend and pretty much went in to hiding but not for the reasons most people will think.  I just don't know how to handle everyone else.

Thanks to a passing conversation with some friends, I decided that this was the weekend I just needed to hide  and call it hibernating.   So that's what we did.  Things have just been so fast and furious since the end of January but honestly this has all been ramping up since sometime in August and we were both pretty much at the point of breaking.
In this conversation, my friend reminded me that the thing is that no matter what else has gone on, We have each other.  That is the bottom line.  It was time to take a break and rest and look each other in the eye for a few minutes.

When my alarm went off this morning, I just didn't get up.  I knew that Jonathan had been up and down all night again as usual, sleep is not his friend.   I knew that he was up and had been for hours out in the den, but I just couldn't do it.  I went back to bed, turned my radio ap on and put the pillow back over my head. I didn't get up until about 10 am. That is the longest I have slept since sometime in August probably, but I KNOW the longest I have slept at one stretch since we moved in here in September.  The interesting part is that Jonathan normally has few dreams or at least few that he remembers long enough to discuss.  I have a long history of horrible, horrible nightmares that I don't talk about because they freak people out completely and suggest I get help.  We have changed places some how in all of this.  Jonathan is unable to sleep much because of the nightmares and I don't think I have actually been asleep deeply enough or long enough to even have a dream since probably September or October.  To go that long with out dreaming unpleasant dreams actually scares me to death.  I figure when it happens again, its going to be really bad and I'm pretty nervous.  And I would love to know how to help Jonathan.

One of the first things I did this morning as I was waiting for my tea to brew (yes world, I also had a cup of hot tea this morning, not coffee)  I checked in to Facebook.  Hey, Guess what!!! Facebook Announced to me that it was Mothers Day.  Then I started scrolling... and kept scrolling, and continued scrolling... After a few minutes, I decided it was the day to check out.

As you gasp and begin to feel sorry for me because yes, now you remember something about me loosing my mother back the beginning of February and things getting much more complicated from there with Jonathans mother being found to be very ill as well, I want to tell you that is the reason I checked out.  Between reading through all of my Facebook friends who were wishing good thoughts to their own mothers who would be reading these comments sometime today, and those wishing good thoughts to mothers who are gone.  Then there were the constant reminders to be sensitive today to those women who want desperately to be mothers but are unable or have lost children.  And then there was the comments made to Jonathan, and by Jonathan about his own mother whos loss is much fresher and more painful.  I checked out because I just have no idea what to say, to anyone.
 
The emotion involved in all of this mess is so very complex.  I have never been a person who feels most things strongly, it seems, or maybe its just that I don't express them the way other people do.  I don't know why that is or isn't but its just me.  It doesn't mean that I don't love deeply, or feel anger greatly, or have any other extreme emotion.  I do, those few people who have seen those things know.  How many times have I heard, "remind me not to tick you off".  My favorite catch phrase at this moment in time is: She isn't fragile like a flower, she is fragile like a bomb.  I think maybe the biggest reason I keep things as low key as possible in my head is that believe it or not, I am a very competitive person.  And I really cannot let any of this turn into a competition.

So here I am,  Not sure what it is even that I want to say.  I really am glad that a select few people privately checked in on me today just to make sure. You know how you are and thank you very much.  Those who maybe read this and think Oh my gosh I didn't think to check in, don't stress its not a thing. I really DONT want anyone feeling sorry for me, I am very uncomfortable with that at all.
Know that I'm fine.  I don't know how things would have gone at a different point in time, but because of circumstances all of my feelings and processing the whole event got compressed into about a 2-3 week period of time.  From January 30 to sometime a couple of weeks later in February, and then we had to move on to the next event.   Boom, here we go.  People who care about me say things like, I should work to keep myself busy at this time.  All I can do is say thank you, I will keep that in mind, while inside my brain is laughing.

For me, Life is just what comes my way.  Those things that are unplanned or some how you didn't think would happen to you?  Well, when they happen to me, I just figure I have to put one foot in front of the other and do it, Ill worry about how I feel about it later, then when later comes?  Well its over now so...………. I guess its just a way I trick myself. That doesn't mean sometimes I don't kick and scream and fight the process, but if you notice, those are usually dumb things that really don't matter a hill of beans, like learning how to use the new computer or tv set up. The big things??????? Its just what life is, get out of my way and I will get this done.  By the way, all, this applies to the super good things that happen as well as the bad.

Trust me, I'm not a fan of all the things I have to take care of, learn to do, get taken care of all alone now, but it has to be done so (sorry Jonathan) It is.... what it is.. because, yes, this is part of life I have absolutely no control over but I have to do it anyway.  I have already made decisions since 2009 and taken care of things that I didn't want to have anything to do with but there was no one else to do it.  Most of those decisions were way harder than hey, what should I wear today.  And they will continue to be very hard for probably another year or so with just THIS part of life. Who knows what's next.

But now the most important thing I have to do, besides all the paperwork and financial related stuff, is figure out how to support Jonathan and his family.  I am learning how to just listen, and not try to fix.. (yeah I know guys... I get how hard this is for you, Im there.)  I cant fix this, I cant make anything any better for them.  All I can do is try to direct them to the place or person who CAN help them.  And then its up to them.  

So a little rest and relaxation so that we can regroup and hit it running again tomorrow.  Ramping up to the next phase of all of this.  

I'm never good at ending these things.  

So Happy Mother's Day to all who choose to celebrate, and Happy Sunday to those who don't.  Me?  its time for bed.  Love you all.   

I Got This, (and You Can Have It Too)

There have been some events that have happened in and around my life lately that have made me try to figure out where I came from, how I got here, what makes my world view different from so many others and why.   I started to put some things together in my own head.

Am I telling any of this story for sympathy?  No, I'm not.  Have I had a hard life?  not at all.  I had a wonderfully Blissful, blessed and amazing life.  but I have a little thing on my desk that Jonathan bought for me because I ask a lot of questions and hate to make mistakes so I have this stupid need to understand before I try on things that I am afraid might disappoint someone if I make mistakes.  I think that asking the questions may be just as disappointing to those people as if I just made the mistakes..  but I digress, It says "I can explain it to you, but I cant understand it for you" The though has occurred to me that there are people who are looking at me and not sure they understand how I do what I do.  

I also keep telling people that they should be REALLY Proud of me for the things that I DONT say. (which is the gods honest truth, it people only saw what does NOT come out of there, it might frighten them)  

But maybe its time to share a few of the things inside there that have in part of making me who I am.

It all started on February 4, 2018 sometime around midnight as I stood beside my mothers hospital bed.  The words she spoke to me were " I don't want to do this amore, I don't want to be here, this hurts too much."  I said the only thing I could say in this moment.  "Don't stick around here for me, go do what you need to do, I got this. "  What else could I say?  (Inside, my head was screaming, how am I going to do all this myself>)
Hummmm no that isn't where it all began.  I think we need to back up a few days.  When she entered the hospital and kept telling me to not worry about her and go on to the office, the hospital people would take care of her.  "No, really, everything is fine with work, phones are forwarded to me and I can do what I need to do from my laptop right here and anything else we will take care of later, its fine."   Hummm nope, that isn't it, lets back up some more.

I think it was 3 years ago in January, (correct me if I'm wrong)  We were sitting at a house in El Paso having a wonderful time with one of our drivers who we were becoming friends with.  The phone rang and Jonathan answered it.  His face went white, we all saw it.  Darla asked me if everything was ok and I told her I had no idea what was going on but No it was definitely NOT alright.  An hour later we drove across town to the airport and put him on a plane to San Antonio with nothing but the clothes on his back because his father had collapsed in the yard, required resuscitation and was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital and we didn't know what was going to happen.  For the next month, while Jonathan was there to take care of his dad and get him to and from Drs appointments and therapy and help his sister out as best he could, I said nearly every day,  "Don't worry about what's happening here, I know that your hands are full with what you are doing,  Do what you need to do, I got this."  (truth is, I had NO IDEA what I was doing for the most part,  I cant believe how many problems I caused, ended up loosing that driver shortly after because of my mistakes but over all things stayed afloat)

Hold it, maybe we should back up a little further.  I'm not really even sure what year it was but I KNOW it was April 11 and I THINK the year was 2012.  That was the night we put Jonathan first in an ambulance then a helicopter for Las Cruces in the middle of having a heart attack.  The storm was coming in so they had to hurry and get him across the missle range before the weather shut down that possibility.  The boys and I stared at his deathly gray face in the back of the ambulance while he in turn told each of us that he loved us and to not forget that and asked Malachi to pray for us.  As the ambulance doors closed the three of us looked at him and said the only thing we could say... Do what you need to do here and don't worry about us, We got this." and we all sped off for the hospital.  By the time we got up there they had cleared the flight and he was already in the chopper.  The boys and I were headed that way in the pickup when Sam told me to stop the truck, he had to get out.  Mom I CANT do this.. I just cant.... and it was very obvious that he was having a panic attack.  I had a split second to decide whether I stayed there and took care of my son and got him through this or drove the 70 miles as fast as humanly and mechanically possible to see if my husband was even still alive when I got there.  I did the only thing I could do.  I left him on the side of the road at the top of Indian Wells to walk home and hopefully be ok and drove like hell. I called my nephew and asked him to go find Sam and make sure he was ok.  (My head was screaming, is this for real????? Can the world slow down and let me breathe for 5 minutes?, NO? )

Malachi and I got there just in time to hug him and kiss him and tell him we loved him before they took him in to surgery.  He was already drugged up and has no memory of any of that.  I'm not even sure at this point how Malachi got back to Alamogordo during time or really if he did.  Abby and Aaron were in Las Cruces at that point and they came and got me and took me to get some food and go buy a change of clothes and underwear.... They stayed at the hospital while I went to my aunt and uncles house to take a shower and change clothes.  Then back to the hospital.  We were there a week, in ICU because the doctor was not sure what had happened.  Jonathan had had a stress test 3 weeks before that he passed with flying colors and now we were in ICU.  Jonathan slept most of the time we were in icu.  Max ran the store and we talked on the phone and made decisions as we needed to make them.  Some of the Border Patrol agents that came by to check on us brought me in food from time to time.  I'm pretty sure I ate at least once a day but I honestly didn't really care.  We left the hospital from ICU and drove to Alamogordo a week later.  That day Jim and Layne were driving in to see him.  The doctor had given me very strict instructions for Jonathan on the need for further rest, for things he needed to eat and things he DIDNT need to eat and that he really MUST MUST MUST quit the tobacco.  I told the family that we would be at the house.  They told me they were too tired after the drive to come to the house so we needed to come see them at their hotel..... AND WE DID.  Sat there in the lobby "visiting" for several hours and ordered in Pizza before we went home and put Jonathan to bed for a while.  The next morning, jonathan rented a car... and I watched him get in the drivers seat to make the trip to San Antonio to see his mother.  Yes, he was driving because his dad and brother had back problems and couldn't do it.  Yep the guy who was a day out of ICU got to drive because the others "just couldn't"  I did the only thing I could do.... I hugged him, I smiled and said Don't worry, do what ever you need to do... I got this.  (I was dying  a little inside) But jonathan was right, it all worked out just fine.  Hummm nope lets back up a little further

The year is 2009. Summer, life is wonderful.. until the diagnosis.  My dad is diagnosed with stage 4 inoperable lung cancer.  he smoked most of his life was around many carcinogenic  chemicals, work on things with asbestos... how could he have gotten lung cancer?????   Well, chemo and radiation was possible but it was going to take a few weeks to get set up so Jim and Jeanne did the thing they did best while waiting... ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!  Off to Branson with his brothers and their wives they went.  I waved them off.  Don't worry, do what ever you need to do... I got this.  
So back they come and then off to Albuquerque for 2.5 months of chemo and radiation.  That was the somewhere in September.  On October 6, Leah calls me at somewhere around 4 in the morning asking me to come take care of the kids while they take Max to the hospital by ambulance with back spasams so bad he cant get up off the bathroom floor... that began 6 months of him being off work to repair that.  That's ok.  Do what you need to do to get healthy, I got this.  Ma and Pa came back from Albuquerque the first week in November and life was going to go back to normal, well normal ish... he was still recovering but things had gone pretty well.
The next week, Jonathan got the opportunity to go to Nogales Arizona to help guard the border there. The detail was for 6 weeks, no problem.  We will miss you for Thanksgiving, but you will be back in time for Christmas, its great to get to do something different and exciting and that has always been our deal.  I'm a yucca and live in New Mexico but you can go on any detail to any place in the United States that you want to go.
so, Don't worry, carreer calls, and I got this.....

I get a call one day asking me how I would feel about him extending his time out there another detail round.  Sure, that's fine.  Its good be needed and I know that they need you.  So, Christmas passes and that weekend the boys and I go out to visit.  First time I have ever gone to a place where jonathan was on detail.  The place he was living was far nicer than any place I have ever lived and it was spotless, now I know why you do this........ We had a great time and then came home.  The next weekend, of course, was New Years... I get a call from him about 10:00 on New Years Eve.  Jontahn tells me that he is having some chest pains and is going to drive himself up to the medical center in tuscon to get checked out.  Ummm ok well its going to take me a  wile to get there.. Long story there (yeah I say that NOW?)  I get the kids organize, someone to look after them, get the store closed down, pack a bag and start toward Tucson.  They have already told me not to rush because being New Years eve they were going to have to work him in for a heart cath anyway and it was going to be a matter of fitting him in at the end so we were probably not looking at anything before 9-10 that night and I had plenty of time to get there.  Then my phone rings in Las Cruces.. guess what, they are taking him in as soon as they can....... Interesting bit of trivia.. the cruise control on a 2004 Dodge 1 ton truck doesn't work over 90 MPH.  I get another phone call between Lordsburg and the state line somewhere.. My heart stops for a minute.  It is the border patrol agent who has been assigned to be at the hospital with him since I was not there.  Telling me he is out of surgery, things went fine and I could talk to him... We talked for about 3 mintues but he is still drugged and has no memory of that conversation.. or for that matter of knowing I was there sleeping in the chair next to his bed until he woke up when the sun came up in his room.  The doctors told me that he was pretty much ok.  this happened because some of his meds were probably interacting with each other and they made some changes to that and he should be ok to go back to work and finish his tour in Nogales just fine.. so after a day or two there, back to Alamogordo I go and back to life.

Then in July of 2010 the cancer is back with a vengeance and things become very short.  A fall in Sept breaks a femur, intubation in the hospital for the surgery, Things at the hospital there that I still really don't want to talk about... and a funeral.  No problem Jim, do what ever you need to do.. don't worry about me, I got this.. I will make sure Mom has everything she needs, I will take care of the businesses, I will take care of all of it... I got this.....

Then there was that time in 1994 that Mom had breast cancer, they had just changed insurance so we didn't know if either company was going to cover the surgery and treatment so my dad did what he knew to do.. he had the opportunity to work a very good job that would pay for at least most of the medical expenses if that is what they needed to do.  Its ok do what you need to do.. I got this here.
Mom was NOT happy about him leaving and I did my best to explain in a way that she could understand that he WAS taking care of her.. he just left me and Max to do the daily grind work and that is what we did.. We HAD this.

We an even back up if we want to the summer of 1990 when divorce happened.  Elizabeth was 4 and Abby was less than a year old and Cliff "wasn't sure if I want to be a husband or father at all, and I need to go out there in the world for a year or so and find myself"  Ummm yep, if you haven't been here for the last 10 years, you probably better look somewhere else... but hey, don't worry, I got this.. do what you need to do... (and frankly I AM pretty proud of how the girls turned out!!!!!!!!)  but at the time.. yeah my head was screaming.. how am I going to do this, I cant do this.. But I did.

We can go back before even 1990 to my college days.  I wanted to go to college to be a teacher.  I knew that paying for that was going to be a hardship on my family... so Don't worry, I had it.  Yes, I worked on weekends and summers in the family business earning much of the money there, but I worked my tail off.  I also always had a job during the year to pay my expenses, no loans, no grants, no scholarships.... one of the biggest fights my parents and I ever had was over them wanting to help me pay for a semester of school that they knew I was coming up short on.  NO WAY!!!!!! I GOT THIS!!!!!!!  And I did.

A car payment, a loan at the bank to buy my flute, neither in my name because I was underage... but I made every payment on both....

There are things clear back to childhood but this is far enough.

So, the moral of this story is, no matter what was floating around in my head, over my life time I have just learned to put one foot in front of the other and keep walking forward, to stay in my circle and just do the Next Thing.

Moving On Beyond.

What is the appropriate time of mourning these days? At one point in history it was appropriate to mourn a parent for a year.   If you read Facebook you will continuously see that there is never a time it goes away, Grief never ends, it just changes,  how everyone grieves in their own time and the hole in your heart never mends.  All of those things.  For years reading those things has made me feel like a cold hearted or maybe even NO hearted person, because, as we put it in our world today, MY Truth is different..  I truly have a hard time with grief over all believe it or not so for me, its past time to move on. I hope that does not offend anyone reading.    So here goes.....a new series.

You learn a great deal when you clean out someone's personal effects, if you slow down and look at items and look for patterns etc.
I learned when going through my grandparents life time of existence that nothing could be taken for granted,  every single envelope, box, drawer and pocket had to be checked.  Such a valuable lesson.

So here we are living in my parents house.. trying to make room for our things.  We moved in, little by little, I think back in September.  For a while we just kind of co-existed like we were just visiting and then it became evident that we were her for the duration so it was time to start getting comfortable. Now, its my home.

One of the weekends I realized that I HAD to find a way to consolidate all the cleaning products in this house and just find out what was here.  I had gotten some of my FAVORITE 31 bags.. and I was putting one together to go under each bathroom sink so you could just grab it out and clean the bathroom in less than 15 minutes and put it back... and then I figured I could have one for cleaning supplies for the rest of the house in the utility closet. You know, like with dusting supplies and window cleaner and things like that... and there has been a wooden box under the kitchen sink for many years that was full of kitchen cleaning supplies and pods for the dishwasher and things like that.  But as I started looking around, it became apparent that we had WWWAAAYYYYY more cleaning supplies than we needed. WAY more.... I began to wonder, can you be a cleaning product addict?  If you could, my mother was.... I even found cleaning supplies in the top back of her closet, things that were completely irrelevant to cleaning a bedroom..... Hummm it could be true.  Jonathan spent an entire day pulling things out of cabinets, boxes, closets, under sinks, in places you wouldn't imagine and sorting them.  There were things we couldn't even identify the label on any more. What do we do with this? is it safe to throw away? Would it be considered toxic waste?  We cant even tell what it is.  HOW OLD are these things, are they still useful?  Did they loose their potency, did it GROW?

I counted them up as I went through the house as well, there were more than 50 febreze small spaces air fresheners through out this 3 bedroom 2 bath house.

I know that part of the reason for these things came from a great fear that she had of  at some point "smelling like an old person"  I knew enough to know what she was talking about.  As a small child I remember going to her older relatives houses, which I dearly loved to do, but some of them DID have a particular smell.  The houses were old and generally uninsulated, they used either wood or gas heat in the winter,  I even remember wood cook stoves in some of the houses.  We have none of the things that would cause many of the smells in our houses today, but she never could get that thought out of her head.  Also, she had a fear of smelling like an old person, herself.  Again, we have much better bathing situations and even nutritional situations so that was not going to happen, but if we have thoughts in our heads.

I also know that she forever compared herself to those around her.  Well, not really that, more she was afraid that those people were comparing her to themselves.  She never felt like anything she did was of any remote importance, or in any way special, therefore nothing she HAD was of any importance, nor was special.  She just knew that anyone who came in her house was looking down on her for what she perceived as pretty meager surroundings compared to others she knew.  Instead I think those same people were seeing a house filled with love, and comfort and kindness over seen by a woman who was truly concerned about their welfare and wellbeing.  I think they saw the artwork that hung on the walls, much of which SHE had done herself.  Her creativity was something to behold in so many areas. They just saw comfort and mostly, LOVE.

 She always said that she had no idea how to decorate a home like all of her sisters in law did.  I believe that all of them would disagree with her on that subject as well.  Again, her house was decorated with LOVE.

But that leads me back to the original though of this edition.  Neatness, tidiness, and over all cleanliness were very important to her for many reasons.  I'm not saying in any way that she should not have concerned herself with these things but I certainly say that one of her blessings on me is that I will not have to buy cleaning supplies beyond a few items for at least the next year or so.

Thank you so much, I am trying hard to live up to your standards.

The ironic month of posessions 7 experiment

Well, I didn't get up as early today as my alarm went off but I'm up and moving now anyway.  I am trying very hard this month to stick to the goal of our 7 experiment program and not to deviate away. I wanted to do this program again for a reason so I'm trying to stick with the reason.  I am also sort of trying to catch up on the clothing month.  With my mothers passing and moving in to her house there will be many things to purge as they don't matter to me so I almost feel like I'm cheating in some way on this path but that's ok too I think. 

Our church is getting ready to have a yard sale to help fund our kids going to summer camp so this is the perfect time for me to do this.  I have a place for many of the things to go that will benefit someone else and maybe help raise some money for the kids as well.  I'm not sure how far I will get in this month either as now my mother in law is in the hospital with pneumonia.  She has advanced COPD as well so I'm afraid this is going to be rough.  My husband is in San Antonio with her while I am here taking care of all the businesses, beginning the legal stuff on my mothers affairs and just keeping the home fires burning.  Over the weekend I hauled out 2 garbage bags of things that were just trash.  Most of one of them to be fair was flowers that people sent us at my moms funeral.  They were beautiful and I loved walking in to the livingroom in the morning and smelling them, but time passes. 

There are so many things that need another home here in this house and in the Aloha House that it seems crazy and overwhelming to even think about it but I think that what I need to do to get over the overwhelm is to look at what Jen Hatmaker set out to do.  Her idea was to purge 7 items a day so I think that is going to work for me and then maybe I can also do more on days I have time.  I can then decide whether those 7 items go into the generic yard sale boxes or if they go in to the I have someone special in mind for these things boxes.  My goal will be to get those things out of my sight quickly before I decide that for what ever reason they need to be kept and I put them back away. 

So todays 7 purge has been completed.  4 vases from flowers that came.  I kept 2 of them that will be nice to have for future flowers. (I am going to do my best to keep fresh flowers in my house as they make me happy)  and 4 books that I don't care to read so that makes 8.  Now off to work and find 7 items there to purge as well.